Posted tagged ‘Yoko Ono’

Some Questions Best Left Unanswered

April 15, 2009

cant-hear

What unspeakable things did Jabba the Hutt make Princess Leia do, when she was kept on a chain, as his slave?

Which Yoko Ono songs weren’t considered quite good enough to get on the Double Fantasy Album?

What’s in hot dogs?

What things did George Bush really screw up, so baldy, that we’ll never hear about?

What’s your parents’ sex life like?  (Ewwww…!)

…what about your grandparents?    (Double Ewwww…!)

What else can be deep-fried, besides cheeseburgers and Mars Bars?

How many voters can’t even locate their own state on a map?

What age was Céline Dion, when her manager, René Angeli, started to have the hots for her?

Just how painful is hemorrhoid surgery?

Just how much more of an S.O.B. can Eric Cartman become?

How far would Betty be willing to go, in order to get Archie to like her more than Veronica?

Forget the fluorescent blue water…what do soiled napkins really look like?

What will upset today’s kids, 25 years from now, when their kids want to shock them?

What happens if you drink an entire quart of cream?

How did Wilma ever manage to deliver Pebbles? (My God…have you seen the SIZE of that kids’ head?)

Exactly what did the Perfessor from Gilligan’s Island get his PhD in?

What sick sonnovabitch came up with the recipe for raisins and glazed lima beans?

What was that crunchy, unidentified tidbit at the $7.99 Chinese buffet?

If Oprah can’t even pump her own gas, what else doesn’t she know?

What TV shows did Fox TV reject which never saw air-time?  (As opposed to the high-quality programming they broadcast right now.)

What kind of idiot would pay $50 for bottled water?

How do all the Smurfs deal with the fact that there’s only one Smurfette?

How did the pioneers cope 200 years ago, in log cabins with no running water or toilet paper?    Especially when they got the stomach flu?

How close have we ever come to another 9-11 without realizing it?

What the hell did the dog just eat, that he’s trying to hide from us?

Does Bob Dylan deliberately sing that way just to mess with us, or is he really, honestly trying?

How much time do we waste each day on Twitter?

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Things that make me CRINGE

March 16, 2009

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When dorky pop singers stand in front of a choir, and solo,  when it’s obvious they know NOTHING about gospel music.

(No, you are NOT Aretha Franklin!…get OVER yourself!)

Why don’t any of those backup singers ever just come up, push the bozo off-stage,  and take over as lead singer themselves?

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Similarly, sappy pop songs,where the lead singer is backed up a chorus of  KIDS.

(Owww!  My pancreas!…where’s the insulin?)

Seriously…does anyone honestly ENJOY these lame-ass songs (other than the parents and grandparents of the little maggots who’re on the sound-track?)

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Shameless over-commercialized Easter chocolate  (i.e. Sponge-Bob,  Spiderman, NASCARS collectibles, or NBA Basketballs).

Whatever happened to just chocolate bunnies and eggs?

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Bagpipes…ANYTHING to do with bagpipes!

(With maybe the exception of Paul McCartney’s Mull of Kintyre…)

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Céline Dion covering an AC/DC song.

(This is so wrong, on so many levels, I can’t even begin to describe it here).

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When TV news shows  insist on interviewing 8-year-old-kids to get their opinion on relevant world events.

“Umm…global warming…is…um…like BAD.   So…um…maybe if we didn’t pollute so much…we can…um…make global warming not happen.    If we…um…maybe recycled more, …um, it would be better for the polar bears.”.

Kid:  You’re eight…no one CARES what you think!

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Two faces have I“.

Crappiest.  60’s Pop Song.   Ever.

(When I hear this monstrosity, I not only cringe, but I want to poke pencils into my ears, to make myself deaf.)

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Listening to someone being interviewed, who uses  “know what I’m sayin’ ?'”  like a punctuation mark at the end of every sentence.

On top of that, they’re too damned lazy to even pronounce all the syllables  (nome-sane…?)

No, I DON”T know what you’re sayin’… GET A #$%&ING  VOCABULARY! !

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Watching retro TV cartoons, and realizing just how bad Super Friends really is, now that I’m no longer nine years old.

(Wonder Twin Powers….Masturbate Activate! )

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Watching the idiots on the Jackass movie give themselves paper cuts.

(I dare anybody to watch this and not cringe.)

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Cartoons from the 1930’s, and  TV from the 1970’s.

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Remembering my hemorrhoid surgery.    (No, I won’t go there…)

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In the movies, when a 100-lb. chick beats the crap out of a 250-lb villain.  (Yeahhhhright.)

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“Safety lectures” at the workplace, where they try to force you to participate.

“Okay…who among you turns down their thermostat at night to save on heating fuel? ?  Stand up.  C’mon!  Stand up! ….And who here uses the Blue-box to recycle?   Stand up! …C’mon…STAND UP!

Ummm…what GRADE are we in, again?

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Bad Karaoke.  (And therefore,  most of American Idol).

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Donald Trump’s hair.

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Rosie O’Donnel’s head.

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Puppets.  (Not muppets, they’re okay)  …I’m talking about PUPPETS.

Especially from  low-budget TV shows in French,  where the kids’ voices are adults speaking in squeaky tones.

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Workplace drones who speak using the company-assigned acronyms, and sincerely BELIEVE in them.

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Yoko Ono.   Especially here.

(John, was the acid good for you too?)

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Extreme fighting.

(Normally, getting hit in the face with bare fists is something I’d think most people would want to AVOID).

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Having to listen to Jean Chrétien when he was our Prime Minister.  He actually made Dubya sound smart.

Here’s the PROOF.

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Reading a blog post from a Cool Kid that states the no-duh blatantly obvious…Then watching all the wannabees write in how great it was, because it was written by a  Cool Kid.

Friar’s Random Rants (Part IV)

October 14, 2008

Hey, you yokels in Northern Ontario, selling blueberries off the side of the road…

…why don’t you learn to FREAKING SPELL!?

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By the way, what IS it….with geologists and beards?

They always seem to have one.

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I think anyone who uses the words “numbers game” deserves, by law, to be severely pummeled.

Like if you happen to be unemployed and you’re discouraged about being unable to find work.

And some rocket scientist (who HAS a job) dismisses your problems, and tells you:

“Oh, don’t let it get you down.  It’s only a numbers game.”

Gee, thanks.

Great advice.

I’m SURE to land that important interview, now!

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Movie/TV characters that communicate extremely well with no words:

– Lassie
– Flipper
– Chewbaca
– R2-D2
– Toot (from The Mighty Hercules)

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“If Life hand you lemons, make lemonade”.

Oh, yes.

By all means.

Let’s talk about CITRUS BEVERAGES.

THAT’LL HELP!

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John Lennon and Yoko Ono both contributed to the album Double Fantasy.

Guess whose songs I like better?

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Rejected pub names:

– The Thrusting Pig
– The Lanced Boil
– The Purple Helmet
– Anything with “Clam”.

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Okay, so Mickey hangs out with his best friend Goofy, who walks upright and talks like a human.

Yet he also owns Pluto, who can only bark and sleeps outside in a doghouse.

So where do you draw the line, between man and dog?

I’m SO CONFUSED here!

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While we’re on the subject:

Why do Mickey and Goofy wear pants, and Donald Duck doesn’t?

Why are naked feathers acceptable, but naked fur ISN’T?

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When women menstruate, it’s a fluorescent blue liquid.

I know this, because the TV and magazine ads tell me so.

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If we humans were ever captured by an advanced alien race and kept in a zoo, I wonder what they would feed us?

Some kind of standard food pellet, I suppose.

I like to think it would be Cheerios.

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Dagwood, summarized in 7 words:

Sleeps.  Bathes.  Hates work. Eats big sammitches.

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Rejected Pokemon Names:

-Hemorrhoid Blast
-Turdo
-Re-Turdo (evolves from Turdo)
-Jello Mold
– Fax Machine

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Those Smart Cars.

Wussy little things.

I just wanna tip ’em.

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I like in Elvis movies, how he can randomly turn on a radio, and at that precise moment an instrumental number is playing which he can sing along to.

How convenient.

Where can I get a radio like that?

I bet you at the same store where the cast of Giligan’s Island got theirs.

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Have you see the Worlds Largest Tee-Pee in Medicine Hat, Alberta?

I’m sorry, that is NOT a tee-pee.

No.  That is a huge monstrosity made up of metal girders.

And it’s hardly what I’d call traditional.

Somehow, I doubt the nomadic tribes of the Great Plains had very many steel mills back then.

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Two Scoops of Raisins in a Package of Kellogs Raisin Bran

Okay, define a “scoop”.

What is that in S.I. Units?

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Thank God we use “Kelvin” degrees for the absolute temperature scale.

Imagine, if instead, it was something else?

I can just picture a high-school chemistry teacher, saying “Nitrogen liquefies at 77 MELVIN”.

God, that would sound so LAME.

We’d have a nation full of football players because no one would ever want to go into science.

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Godammed R.V. people.

It’s not good enough that you monopolize the campground with your gas-guzzling behemoth vehicles, with their air conditioning, wireless internet and satellite TV?

But do you REALLY need to bring along your plastic dogs and shitty lawn ornaments?

Can’t you at least PRETEND to rough it, just a LITTLE?

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Things I am Ungrateful For.

September 19, 2008

Mosquitoes
Thanks a LOT, God!

Mercury
Wussy little planet.  Seriously…what’s it done for me LATELY?

Scrappy Doo
Most.  Annoying.  Cartoon character.   Ever.

Cathy Comics
A quick plot summary:   I’m fat.  I’m insecure.  AAAAK!

Four-Hole Punches
Why do they even HAVE these?

Endless Wipes
‘Nuff said.

Yoko Ono
‘Nuff said.

The McDLT
Remember this one?   “Keep the hot side hot, and the cool side cool”.   Great…when you put them together, your burger was luke-warm.

Low-quality T.P.
Especially when combined with endless wipes.

Movie Trailers
START THE DAMNED SHOW, ALREADY!

Carob
Don’t even attempt to tell me you’re as good as chocolate.

Whole Wheat Wonder Bread
Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

Tai-Chi
Kung-fu for old people, who can’t move very fast.

Hay-Fever
The planet is trying to kill me.

Crows (Screeching)
It’s 6:00 AM.  Will you PLEASE…SHUT THE @#$% UP?

Loser Tables
When you’re stuck at these, at wedding receptions.

RV’s
When driven in front of you, by octogenarians.

Nuns and Circus Clowns
They both frighten me.

Bag Pipes
Oboy.  Now I know what a cat being throttled sounds like.

Screaming Kids
See Bag Pipes.

Beatle Songs that Suck

September 14, 2008

Before I ruffle any feathers (like when I wrote about Bob Dylan),  let me just say that I’m a HUGE Beatles fan.

At the risk of being labeled a heretic, though, I’ll go out on a limb and say that not everything the Fab Four touched necessarily turned into gold.  Seems we always hear about their hits, but we never hear about their flops.

Here are some of their songs that didn’t quite make the Top Ten.

Hold Me Tight
This one’s found on the B-side of With the Beatles.  And boy, does it ever SUCK.

Worst.  Beatle Song.   Ever.

They sound like another band trying to impersonate the Beatles, and doing poor job of it.

Hold Me Tight just goes on and ON.  You wish it would just end already.

….Hold me tight, feels so right, etc. etc..      (Okay…Okay…I GET IT!)

Well, to be fair, this one WAS early in their career.

McCartney considered it a “work song”.   Lennon’s comment was that he “was never really interested in it either way”. (*)

It shows.

Within You Without You
Many consider Sergeant Pepper to be one of the most innovative and influential rock albums of all time.  I tend to agree:  the album is excellent.

Most of the album, that is…

I make an exception with George Harrison’s interminable  sitar solo.   I can’t believe John and Paul gave him so much album space for something that at best, is a soundtrack for a low-budget Bollywood movie.

(Thanks for coming out, George, but I think we’ll pass on that whole Eastern-music-mysticism thing).

I always found this song such a pain in the ass…this was the part of the album when I’d always have to get up at and fast-forward to the next song.

(YES…I know I’m dating myself!…This was back in the Dark Ages before CD’s or i-pods).

Bungalow Bill
I’m okay with 98% of this one.  But then there’s that short 5-second clip, where they actually allowed Yoko Ono to SING.

That alone ruins the song (if not the entire White Album).

Ob-la-Di Ob-la-Da
It’s funny, how whenever people want to criticize Paul McCartney, they always bring up this song as a prime example of his worst work.  I think it’s become one of the most hated Beatle songs ever.

I was neutral at first.   The tune wasn’t great, but I wouldn’t turn it off if I heard it played.

But that was before those Classic Rock stations kept playing the damned song over and over, and beating it half to death.  That was probably the tipping point…

Now when I hear Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, I have to resist the urge to drive into on-coming traffic.

Good Morning, Good Morning
Another dud from Sergeant Pepper’s. The song itself is average-mediocre, but it’s the the end that kills me.

That’s when the music fades, and they start the sound effects of screeching barnyard animals.

Okay, maybe back in the LSD-hazed days of 1967, this was considered novel, because no one had ever put these sounds on a record before.

But it’s 2008 now, and let’s call a spade a spade…this is just plain God-awful NOISE.

Lennon later described this song a “piece of garbage” (*).

At least you gotta admire his honesty.

Revolution 9
What a bunch of tortured-intellectual avant-garde performance art CRAP.

Could someone please explain to me what is appealing about a series random sounds stuck together, while some dick-wad drones on about “Number Nine…Number Nine…” ?

Over a twenty-five year period, I think I might have listened to this abomination, beginning-to-end, maybe TWICE.    And that’s enough for this lifetime, thank you very much.

John…John…John…WHAT were you thinking?

Obviously, Yoko had a hand in this.

Wild Honey Pie
This one is so bad, I can’t describe it.  You have to hear it to believe it.

What that hell….?!?

No, seriously…WHAT THE HELL ?!?!

Hey Bulldog
The equivalent of Hey Jude or Let it Be, this one is NOT.

Similar to Good Morning Good Morning, it’s the last minute of the song that’s the worst.    John and Paul banter between themselves as the music fades.   Then Paul barks like a dog and John ad-libs, telling him to sit and be quiet.   This is followed by maniacal laughter that sounds like a wheezing epileptic seizure instead.

Just plain embarrassing.

What goes on
Ringo sings in this one and harmonizes with the others.  And surprisingly, he doesn’t do a bad job of it, either.

But listen to the lead guitar.

George….ummm…exactly WHAT were you trying to do there?   He sounds like a confused twelve-year-old learning to play a new instrument.

Hard to believe that this was the same guy, who four years later,  came up with  “Something” and “Here comes the Sun“.

Maggie Mae
No, this isn’t the classic pop hit that Rod Stewart sang.  It’s a traditional Liverpool folk song about a hooker robbing a sailor.

This forgettable ditty is found on the Let it Be album.   One suspects it’s a remnant from the cutting-room floor.   Producer Phil Spector probably stuck it in as filler material at the last minute.

The song is only about 40 seconds long, and it sounds like an off-key drunken rehearsal sung in a pub.   (My favorite is Ringo trying to consistently harmonize a few beats too late.)

On top of that, the song doesn’t even end properly:  everyone seemed to just randomly stop playing when they felt like it, with the tape reel still running.  It’s like they suddenly stopped giving a shit.

I think 40 seconds of silence would have been better than this.

But Maggie Mae is so bad, it’s almost funny.    Maybe that’s why they kept it on the album:  for comic relief.

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(*) Steve Turner, “A Hard Day’s Write”,  Prospero Books (1999).