How to be a Tortured Intellectual

Major in the Humanities, preferably English or Poli Sci.    If you have a degree in engineering, forget it: you’ve sold out and you’re automatically disqualified.

Avoid mainstream commercial radio like the plague.   Only listen to NPR (or the CBC, if you’re Canadian).

Same thing goes for regular network TV.  If you must, permit yourself to only watch PBS….barely.

Hairstyle tips for women:  the shorter, the better.  For men, it’s the opposite  (give yourself bonus posits if you have a pony tail).  For either gender, never display your natural hair color either.  Dye it in a primary color.

Complain that the Pyörgen Kibòlshivik’s documentary on Ecuadorian textile workers should have gotten an Academy award.   The only reason it didn’t is because of those Fat Cats in Hollywood that control the film industry.

Eating animal protein is a definite no-no.    Be a vegetarian.   No, wait, make that a vegan.    Better yet, why not just sit there, with your arms spread out, and photosynthesize?

What to wear:  Jet Black, Coal Black, or Angst Black.   Wear multiple layers as though it’s freezing outside, regardless of what month it is.

Only frequent coffee establishments that know what “biscotti” and “venti” means.    If they happen to serve donuts there,  LEAVE at once.

Remember:  anything based on Western Judeo-Christian values is automatically considered paternalistic, imperialist, and wrong.  But anything coming from repressive third-world countries is to be tolerated, nay, accepted and celebrated as part of our multicultural mosaic.

Have at least one tattoo with oriental symbols, but don’t have any idea what they mean.

Use words that end in “ism” a lot. (Geo-morphism and astigmatism don’t count).

Buy eclectic CD’s that embrace interesting fusions of third-world traditional music with established Western genres.  (Buddhist Hip-Hop and Himalayan Bag Pipes, anyone?)

Be able to quote the most obscure poetry and literature references, but have absolutely no concept of what a carbon dioxide molecule is.

Attend an anti-globalization protest wearing your Nike shoes and Levi jeans.   Stop at Starbucks on the way home for a double-frappuccino-venti-fallopian grande espresso, and complain to your friends how large corporations are ruining the planet.

Roll your eyes when people tell you your poetry doesn’t even RHYME.

Hang African sculptures around your apartment, even if your ethnic origins might be Norwegian.

Develop a taste for Fair-Trade, Cruelty-Free granola.   Pack some of it into your ears.  This helps prevent you from hearing the propaganda from the Neo-conservative  right-wing biased media.

Let everyone know that there are cars out there that can get 100 mpg, running on sheer willpower alone.   The only reason we don’t see them on the streets is because of those Fat-Cats in Washington that control the oil industry.

Don’t forget to have a worldly, self-righteous, holier-than-thou sense of SMUG (never mind that you’re earning 7 bucks an hour and living in your parents’ basement).

Be offended by this list.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, display any muscle tone, get a tan, or appear well-fed (How are you supposed to appear tortured, otherwise?)

Last but not least, lose all ability to laugh at yourself.  If necessary, have your sense humor surgically removed.

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Tags: artsy-fartsy, CBC, humanties major, humor, NPR, protesters, rant, short hair on women, student, tortured intellectual, vegan, vegetarian

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