Posted tagged ‘humor’

Monday Night Art Class: The Day of the Squirrel

October 29, 2014

Oh well.

They can’t all be gems.

 

The Day of the Squirrel

Stupid Burger

May 7, 2014

How desperate do you have to be,  that you’re willing to eat a microwave a burger?

Burger 1 IMG_7860
I mean…I’m one of the laziest cooks out there.

I HATE cooking.

But even a schmuck like me is willing to buy some ground beef, make patties and throw them onto the grill.

But let’s say you’re not even willing to cook even THAT much.

For the same price,  why wouldn’t you just go to the Drive-Thru?

I mean, it would still be junk food…but at least it would be made fresh.

So who would want eat a microwave burger?

 

I dunno.

But for the past 2 years, I’ve been seeing these abominations in the freezer section at the Jumbo Cat Grocery Store, and I’ve been ignoring them.

But curiosity had finally got the best of me.

So this week I had to check them out.

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Still frozen:

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After 60 seconds on the microwave (as per the instructions)

Actually, it doesn’t’ look as bad as I had imagined.

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At least the bacon looks reasonable. 

Burger 6

Burger 7

 

Originally, I had no intention of eating it.     This was just a consumer experiment.

But after another 10 seconds in the microwave,  and adding some mustard and relish,  I was willing to give it a try.

Burger 8IMG_7866

 

VERDICT:

Surprisingly adequate.

Don’t get me wrong.   They’re not great.   I don’t think I’d buy one again.

But they’re not horrible.

No better or worse than a re-heated cheap fast-food burger.

 

Regardless,  I got my $2.00 worth of amusement.

It was worth it.

 

Honest-to-Goodness True Fishing Stories.

May 3, 2014

Fishermen tend to be full of shit.

I can tell you this from first-hand experience.

We’ll talk about the one that got away.

Or we’ll only show you photos of the big ones we caught, while holding the fish in front of the camera lens to make it look huge.

We’ve all done that.

But what we don’t tell you,  are the countless times we’ve gone out for the entire day, and gotten skunked.

And what you don’t see, are the dozens and lame-ass minnows we get,  that we throw back and don’t talk about.

But I think it’s time to come clean.

To break precedent, I’ve decdided to showing of my less-than-spectacular catches.

And these photos are true.

Honest to God.

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Trophy Pike.

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Another trophy.    (And come to think about it, this wasn’t the smallest pike I got, either)

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Trout fail.   This huge monster is the net result of driving 90 minutes each way, and paddling the entire day.

At least I didn’t’ get skunked, though.

Small Trout IMG_1680

 

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Trophy Walleye

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Small Walleye IMG_2844

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Okay…I can’t lie.  My fishing guide caught this one.   He wins.

IMG_2851 Even Better Trophy

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Anyone who’s gone after perch, knows how easy they are to catch.

And how sad it is…when you can’t even got one large enough for the frying pan…

Small Perch IMG_3053

 

This one’s the best.   I was casting for trout, and I got a clam.

Clam

My Very Catholic Workbook

March 6, 2014

This goes back to my Grade 1 Religion Class  when I attended Regina Caeli Elementary School in Montreal.   (Circa 1970-71).

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“I became a Child of God on August 9th…”

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…and thus the indoctrination begins.

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I think here we were supposed to draw the gifts God gave us…

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So why did I draw myself spraying the bugs?

I have no idea.

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“Draw something God made for us to enjoy”.

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Let me see…from left to right, there’s a kiddie pool, a fort made of blankets and lawn chairs, the neighbors cat, and me and a bike.

With the exception of the cat, these are all material possessions.

Obviously I missed the whole point, here.

Note that Mrs. McGuire gave me a “C”, which stood for “Correct”.

That was the default grade she gave:  meaning your work was adequate, but not great.

But I did get rewarded with the mandatory religious stamp.

Cath 3 Stamp

(If only I could be like that haloed boy…*sigh*).

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“Show Adam and Even when they were happy with God”

Cath 3 IMG_7309Wow…I must have really knocked this one out of the park.

Because I got the trifecta:   The standard “C” for Correct.

The bonus religious stamp of the angel:

.Cath 3 angel

And…the coveted “E” for “Excellent”.

When you got an “E”, you know you did well.

Cath 3 Excellent

Mrs. McGuire didn’t just hand those E’s to anybody, you know.

You had to EARN them.

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But Religion Class wasn’t all fun and drawings.   80% of my book was filled with text.  Apparently we did a lot of reading along and underlining.

(All part of the indoctrination process,  naturally…)

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“Draw yourself with other people.  We are children of God”.

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Looking at this, I don’t think I was really interested in drawing myself with other people.

I just wanted to draw a green Volkswagen, which was my favorite car at the time.

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“Draw yourself helping at home”.

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Not my best work.  But obviously I was very enthralled with the vibrant pink color from my new felt pen set.

I recognize my baby brother in the crib.   But aside from that , this was a pretty shitty drawing,  even for a kid.  The walls to the left and right are just scribbled in.

Even Mrs. McGuire noticed.   I got a “V. G.” beside the “C”.

Meaning “Very Good”.  Which was one step below “Correct”.

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“Draw Noah and his family on the ark”.

Cath 05 Noah IMG_7315

It looks like I actually put a lot of thought into this one.   I got Noah’s family looking out the windows, with a few animals, including (third from the left) what appears to be an ALLIGATOR!

Cath 05 Noah Gator IMG_7315

And if that’s the case, then I think this drawing is AWESOME!

Funny thing is, I actually remember drawing this.   And remembering the story about how Noah set out three doves to look for land.   Apparently the first two drowned and never came back.  But the third one came back with an olive branch or something, and that’s who Noah found Mount Ararat.

Anyway, for whatever reason, I chose to draw one of the drowning birds.    On the roof, right next to the nonchalant giraffe. 

Cath 05 Noah Bird IMG_7315

Pretty harsh, when you think about it.

But hey…this was the Old Testament.

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What would I have said to Jesus?

“Thank you Jesus for the food.  It was good”.

Cath Food was Good IMG_7334

Which, obviously, was the right thing to say.

Because it got “Excellent”.

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“Draw Jesus with three of his Apostles”.

Cath 6 IMG_7321Yes.  Three apostles:  James, John, and qeter.

But it did earn an “Excellent”.   And not just as an “E”, but with the whole word written out.

This was rare compliment from Mrs. McGuire.

I was really starting to get the hang of this.

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“Draw Jesus and his Apostles in the  boat”

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See?   I got too cocky, and here I only got a “Correct”.

Probably because I screwed up the names of the apostles, and tried to erase the lettering and got it all smudged.

I have to admit,  Mrs. McGuire was consistent and fair in her marking.

And you gotta respect that.

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“Draw some people Jesus wants you to love”

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Yeahhh….and I don’t think I really wanted to draw that.    Obviously, I preferred to draw myself building a snow fort instead.

Hence, the lesser grade of “C” instead of the coveted “E”

Geez.

You couldn’t fool ol’ Mrs. McG.

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“Pray to the Holy Spirit.  Write your prayer here”

Cath 8 IMG_7324“Thank you Jesus for going back to Heaven!”

(????)

I’m not a theological expert.   But I don’t think you’re supposed to thank Jesus for going to heaven.   You’re probably supposed to thank him for dying for your sins instead. 

But what do you want?

I was only in Grade 1.

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“Draw yourself being a child of God”.

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Wow.  Look at the size of that SUN.

Anyway, I think this was supposed to be me playing with my sister.

Because from a seven-year-old point of view, the ultimate sacrifice to God is being nice to your pesky younger siblings.

Apparently, so is cleaning your room for Jesus.

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Though I am intrigued as to why I suddenly regressed back to drawing stick-figure people.

I dunno..maybe it was some kind of “minimalist” artistic phase I was gong through.

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Here’s one of story of the Prodigal Son.

Cath 7 Prodigal IMG_7322

On the left, I drew the rich son leaving home and setting out in the wold with his big bag of cash with the dollar sign on it.

(Because the dollar was standard currency back in biblical times).

On the right, we see the son returning home, tattered and poor, falling at his farther’s feet.

Though they both look like bums…both equally tattered and poor.

(Oh well).

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“Draw yourself  saying Thank you to Jesus”

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Oooh…LOOK!   This is probably the FIRST CARTOON BUBBLE I ever drew! (Even though I ran out of room and had to add to it).

Mrs. McGuire liked it too…I got an “E”    And also (look in the top right), a colored stamp of the three Wise Men.

Cath 10 stampIMG_7330

(Awesome).

I also recognize one of the items in the background.

Cath 10 Clock IMG_7330

That’s an old Fisher-Price Clock I used to have when I was three.   I still held on to it back then.

FP Clock

It boggles my mind, how I remember this.

Don’t ask me how, but I do.

Of coures, at the end of some of the chapters, there were “take home” questions which we had go over with our parents.   My Mom and Dad would quiz me, and they’d have to sign off that they covered the material with me, and then Mrs. McGuire would co-sign it.

This information probably all went on my Permanent Record.   .

Cath Exam

This was all taken very seriously.   To ensure we kids grew up to be good little Catholics.

And it worked.  Because just 7 years later,  I became an Altar Boy

(But that’s another story).

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R.I.P. Stupid Mask That Will Not Die (1977-2014)

January 25, 2014

See this stupid paper-maché mask?     I made it in Grade 7 Art Class in 1977.

0 Mask 1

I stopped caring for the Stupid Mask sometimes in the early 80’s.   As I got older, I tried to throw it out multiple times but it kept coming back.

(Thanks, Friar’s Mom).

I won’t bother you with the history…(you can read about it here).  But suffice to say,  over the few decades, I just could not get RID of this thing.

The Stupid Mask would NOT DIE.

It continued to plague me, and I thought I would never be able to move forward with my life.

Fast forward, December 2013.

Friar’s Mom was cleaning up the clutter in her house, and I guess she finally decided she wanted the Stupid Mask out of her house too.

So she wrapped it up, and gave it to my Screaming Nephew for Christmas.    

Her thinking: maybe he can amuse himself by burning it in a bonfire, or something.

Now, imagine yourself as an 11 year old boy,  who likes PlayStation DS and MineCraft and Lego, and all the other things 11-year-old boys do.

And Grandma gives you a lame-ass musty paper-maché art project that Uncle Friar did almost four decades ago.   That even Uncle Friar doesn’t like any more.

Now..how excited would you be?

The answer is:  NOT VERY MUCH.

So I offered to hold the Stupid Mask while the Screaming Nephew gave it a karate punch.

Which he gleefully did.

Stupid MaskIMG_5981

And he continued to destroy it.

And I was glad.

Stupid Mask IMG_5992

The Stupid Mask did get it’s 15 minutes of fame, though.  

It provided the Screaming Nephew some mild amusement, when we put the “scary teeth” in front of our faces.

Stupid Mask IMG_5991

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But, eventually, the Stupid Mask had outlived it’s usefulness, and now is no more.

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And I say….GOOD !!!

Because now I finally have closure.

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French 101: Random Phrases Overheard in a Quebec Restaurant

January 16, 2014

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“Sh-tanh Floride”  
(I was in Florida)

“ShPah Kapab…”
(I am not able to…)

“Yeh Pu Kapab…”
(He is no longer able to…)

“Nuh Nuh Non.”
(Emphatic no)

“Whye”
(Yes)

“Euh, lah, euh.,.”
(Um…well, um.,.)

“Feh-kla…”
(The fact is, there..)

“Bainh, Lah, lah…”
(Well, um, there..)

“Ah, Bainh, La, Euh…”
(Oh, well, then, there…)

 “Euhhhhhhhh”
(Ummmmmm)

“Mwhye Meh”
(Hmm.  Yes, but…)

“Tsay…”
(You know…)

“Ee bouge pu…”
(He is no longer moving…)

“Pee Lah..”
(And then, there…)

“Pee Euhhh…”
(And then, ummmmm)

“Ease cash…”
(He is hiding…)

“Yah Tawnh”
(He is waiting)

Monday Night Art Class: Something Different

January 9, 2014

I wanted to so something different.   So I though I’d paint this close-up photo of a dandelion, which I took last summer.

Flower IMG_2494

 

And then I decided to add geckos.

With Viking helmets.

Gecko Dandelion-S