Scaring the Crap out of Kids: 20 Truths They Should Know About Adulthood.
1. You can’t just get up and run around and play like you do now. You’ll have stretch and warm up first. Otherwise, you’ll tear a muscle or hurt yourself.
2. You can’t just knock on your friend’s door and ask them to play. No, they’ll be “busy” and their entire summer will be “booked”. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see them 8 weeks from today.
3. Even if you DO manage to get together with your friends, be aware that you won’t actually “play” anything. Grownups prefer to have dinner, and then spend 3 hours telling “stories” about what happened to them God knows when. Imagine the fun you’ll have.
4. And if you’re a woman, you can’t just show up empty-handed. You have to BRING SOMETHING to eat. And it has to be something that took you hours to make, by your own two hands. It can’t be store-bought, that doesnt’ count. (Kind of like the Christmas cards they force you to make in school).
5. Nobody’s stopping you from going into the store and buying all the candy you want to. Only now you don’t want to.
6. You’ll be too busy to just get on a bike and go for a ride. Instead, you’ll drive an hour to go to the gym to use their stationary bike for 30 minutes.
7. Imagine getting a huge allowance, but you have to give half the money back to your Dad. Welcome to the world of Income Tax.
8. You no longer look forward to getting new toys or games. Instead, you’ll get “excited” about showing your friends the new drapes for the living room.
9. You know all that stuff you’re working so hard to learn in school: geometry, algebra, dissecting frogs…? You’ll never use 99% of it in the real world. EVER.
10. You can watch whatever TV you want, including the “viewer discretion advised” shows. But you won’t. You’ll probably prefer something lame-ass, like Gray’s Anatomy, or CBC Newsworld.
11. Your Mommy no longer nags you about eating healthy and staying away from junk food. That’s what the family doctor is for.
12. There’s something men have called a “prostate” gland, and it’s NOT fun. (You’ll find out why, during your first physical checkup after age 30).
13. You cant’ just eat whatever you want anymore. You might get fat. If you do, everyone will scold you and remind you of it at every meal.
14. Even if you stay skinny, you still might have high cholesterol. And everyone will scold you and remind you of it, at every meal.
15. You know how much you hate naps right now? When you’re a grown-up, you’ll actually ENJOY and LOOK FORWARD to them!
16. The good thing is bullies aren’t around the schoolyard anymore. The bad thing is that they’ve now moved to the workplace. They don’t beat you up, but they can yell at you and make you feel angry and sad. Which in some ways, is even worse. There are no grown-ups to turn to for help. Because you ARE the grown-ups.
17. Are you thinking of becoming an astronaut? Then you’ll need a PhD. It will be like going to Grade 23. (What grade are you in now? Are you even one-quarter finished yet?)
18. You’ll now have to pay for boring things like soap, socks, nail clippers and garbage bags. Out of your own pocket.
19. You know how teachers can tell you that you can be ANYTHING you want to be? Well, not really. Otherwise, everyone would be a jet-pilot or a hockey player. It depends on a lot of things. How smart you are, how much money you have, if you have the right body or not, and a LOT of luck. And that’s just to start. You also have to work at it.
20. You’ll have to go to school for 25 years. So you can learn to work at a job for 35 years. So you can save enough money to enjoy the last 20 years of your life. (IF you’re lucky to live that long!)
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The Deep Friar 
June 29, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Actually, number 1 has been shown to be untrue over and over again.
Number 2 is untrue if you live in a over 55 community like I do 🙂
Number 3 is untrue under the same conditions.
Also #6
But the rest is true 🙂
June 29, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Fucking brilliant, just fucking brilliant.
I’m printing this off and putting it in my office and in each of my kids rooms.
I nominate you for a Pultzer, or an Oscar or American Idol or whatever the hell this post can be awarded for.
Eyeteaguy
June 29, 2009 at 7:15 pm
@Tony
#1 may not necessarily be true, but it’s perceived to be true, regardless. Seems some people spend more time getting ready to excercise, than the actual workout.
Most of the people I know are 40-somethings, so #2 and#3 apply a lot.
Hopefully my social life will improve in 10 years, when I’m 55, like you point out.
@Eyeteaguy
I can just picture it now…Daddy, please tell us again the scary bedtime story from Uncle Friar, about being a grown-up.
Noooooo!!!
June 29, 2009 at 7:25 pm
You don’t know my kids. They are way more twisted than I am.
I can’t wait to unleash them on the world. If they ever manage to hook up with Brett’s kids….well you’ve seen the movies of post apocalyptic earth? Like that but with better music.
June 29, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Oh man, if I’d read this when I was a kid, I’d probably have stopped wishing I was older.
June 29, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Darn, I didn’t know about #25. I guess I need to go back to school AND back to work.
(let’s see 25 + 35 = 60 and I’m only 57 — much too young to be paid not to work 😉 )
June 29, 2009 at 10:03 pm
@Eyeteaguy
Despite having Brett as their father, Brett’s kids seem quite normal.
But maybe if they pair up with your Anti-kids, theri forces will combine and it will be the Apocalypse.
@Steph
Then never TELL you this stuff (I didnt’ figure out half of it till I has in my 30’s!)
@Mike
Sure…rub it in!!! 😉
June 29, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Now with the economic blows and the loss of our retirement income we have to work until at least 72..Oh now the health ins. bill came for the new year…cost has doubled again and we are not up for medicare…
never retire and never get ill our new motto!
so much for a new President and living in beauty near the ocean…
Oh and now we are too old to get the “green” jobs because we have reached “stupid” again. Well, we were late bloomers in the parenting zone so we just got out of the parents are stupid – now we are workforce stupid…hmm
June 30, 2009 at 4:39 am
Crap! If that’s the case, I don’t wanna grow up! This post is either very funny or VERY depressing. In either event, I think I’ll wait a day to shave with my straight razor.
June 30, 2009 at 7:03 am
I decided never to retire a few years ago anyway. It makes more sense just to find something I want to do and keep doing it.
At least then I can tell people I’m doing it because I like it, rather than tell them I *have* to do it because my kids bled me dry… 🙂
Anyway.
One truth about adulthood that you did not mention.
BEER.
It makes the rest of these go awaaaaaayyyyy…
Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!!
June 30, 2009 at 7:44 am
@Patricia
The one thing we dont’ have to worry about in Canada is the Health Care. (For example, my Mom will be in the hospital for 6-8 weeks and it won’t cost us a cent, and wont’ affect any insurance premiums).
Aside from that, in terms of job security and retirement, things are pretty much the same here as they are in the States.
I went to grad school and entered the work force late. So I didn’t start saving for a pension will I was well into my 30’s.
I’m looking at “Freedom 85” now. My plan is to have a cheap trailer in a trailer park, and one can of cat food a day (whether or not I have a cat).
If I’m lucky, I can acheive that goal.
@BloggerDad
My Mom once said “Growing old, you can’t help, but growing up is optional”. Like her, I refuse to grow up.
(*Kicking and screaming*) You can’t make me, you can’t make me, Nooooooo.
There are GOOD things about being an adult. You don’t need permission every time you want a cookie, for example. Or you’re allowed to play with dangerous power tools…mabye I should write a post about that.
@Brett
If your kids were trailer-trash without any hopes or aspirations, you’d probably be okay…
But unfortunately, they look quite smart, and chances are all four will want to go to college or university.
Tough break, buddy. You’ll be working for a while.
(But that’s what our BEER nights are for!) 🙂
June 30, 2009 at 7:51 am
I figure I’ll be working forever. Social Security payments might let me work a little less, but I’ll have to keep going until my head hits the keyboard.
I’m self employed so I can’t be fired, but the older I get the harder it is to concentrate, the harder it is to learn new things… it’s not an entirely bleak future, but it isn’t blue skies and bright sunshine either.
June 30, 2009 at 8:34 am
@Friar,
Nah. I think I’ll just cut ’em loose at 18. I figure the way things are going in the world today, we’ll be at war with Eurasia (or was that Eastasia) for some time.
Oceania shall be victorious! Doubleplus good that.
Hey Brother, did you hear? The choco ration’s been increased to 20 grammes.
@Tony,
One thing in our favour as computer geeks – we only have to be a little bit smarter than the average bear, so we can change our target market.
If I wanted to do so, I could take fistfuls of money from the local elderly who have no idea how to get pictures of their grandkids to the printer.
It hasn’t come to that yet, but maybe when I’m older, I’ll do that once in a while so I don’t have to eat cat food 5 nights a week.
June 30, 2009 at 8:48 am
@Tony
I don’t know about the States, but in Canada, I don’t trust that our Canada Pension Plan (your social security equivalent). Don’t think it will still be there when I’m old enough to collect it. (Or they’ll invent a rule that people like me make “too much money” to collect it).
I guess there’s a good and bad side of being self-employed. I dont’ mind working till I drop dead. But only if I WANT to…not because I HAVE to.
@Brett
Oh, great. A bunch of little blonde vikings set loose on society….like Eyeteaguy says.
Maybe you and I will end up in business together. I think we have something to sell people.
(Just don’t know what it IS yet!). 😉
June 30, 2009 at 8:48 am
“f I wanted to do so, I could take fistfuls of money from the local elderly who have no idea how to get pictures of their grandkids to the printer.”
I haven’t sunk to that yet. Oh, I do help my neighbors (the 800 or so people in this community) with their ‘puters, elderly or not, but I don’t charge them for it. I hope I never have to.
June 30, 2009 at 8:51 am
“Don’t think it will still be there when I’m old enough to collect it.”
I am old enough as of February next year.
However, like you, I’m afraid they will change the ground rules.
It’s not a lot anyway – I’d get about $20,000 a year. Enough to starve to death on 🙂
I’m going to try to wait a few more years…
June 30, 2009 at 9:17 am
@Tony,
Exactly. I can’t do that either. I help a lot of folks here in our community, and some of them got tired of me saying “no charge”, discovered I like red wine, and every so often a bottle just “shows up”… 🙂
I don’t think you’ll have to do that, and neither will I. We are sharp.
@Friar,
We will. Of that I have no doubt. And when we do start Viking Inc., it will slay the competition. Literally.
June 30, 2009 at 10:34 am
@Brett and Tony
With my artwork, I find the opposite. I’m approached by acquaintances who want to commission me to do some work (or donate paintings). Free of charge, or course. For some community event or charity I have little or no interest in. And these aren’t even good friends of mine.
It’s like artwork is “fun”….not considered “real work”. So why don’t we just ask Friar if he wants to spend 10 hours of his time, or donate hundreds of dollars worth of stuff, for free?
I probably have to provide my own painting supplies too.
Ummm…no thanks.
@Brett
Heh heh. Slay the competition. I like it.
As the Berserker would say: NYARRRRGH!
June 30, 2009 at 10:37 am
You know, I could use some free art work…
How quick can you get something to me? Do you need pictures of our living room so you can choose the best colors?
Do you pay for return shipping if we don’t like it?
June 30, 2009 at 10:59 am
Friar,
Still waiting for my Viking Elder painting.
I am willing to pay what you charge. I’ll pay for the supplies too (or is that included?)
And I’ll pay shipping and handling and tax and contribute to your CPP.
Now get to work.
Eyeteaguy
June 30, 2009 at 12:15 pm
@ Friar
Great post. I don’t have a prostate. I do have other things, but not that. And I’m glad.
::shudder::
@ Brett
re: cat food
I had a grammar school friend whose father served Skippy Dog Food to his dinner guests as an appetizer (and funny experiment), probably with crackers. They had no idea and kept raving about how wonderful the dip was. Then he told them what they’d just eaten. 😀
So I’m of the opinion that dog food probably tastes better than cat food, so I’m going to eat that. I hope they still make Skippy!
Mer 😉
June 30, 2009 at 12:51 pm
@Mer,
Well, if dog food tastes better than cat food, that makes the choice easier in more ways than one.
If we are what we eat, so must be the animals – so I’ll eat the dog, and keep the cat for another day… 😉
Seriously though – the meat in wet dog food is more nutritious than the “prime cuts” we eat, because it’s all the vitals etc. I think they just make it smell funny so we won’t dine for a dollar.
Dogs don’t really care what the food smells and tastes like, heck, they eat their own poop!
June 30, 2009 at 5:21 pm
@Tony
Oh, sure. Let me know what color your walls are, so I can select an appropriate frame and matte, too.
@Eyeteaguy
Well, I don’t always charge for artwork. I do occasionally give away surprise freebies to selected friends…
So if you’re a good little Viking…maybe somebody might send you something in the mail….
@Mer
Guys have the prostate…but women have to deal with the stirrups….In that respect, I think it’s equally obnoxious for both sexes.
You can’t go wrong with dog food. I hear arse meat is quite tender. I might as well get used to the idea…seeing that’s what I’m going to be eating after I retire.
@Brett
There’s probably a reason dogs like wet food so much, and turn their nose up at dry kibble. It actually looks pretty good (no worse than uncooked stew).
Next time I babysit Tipper, maybe I’ll taste some of her food, to compare. (Like I said, I might as well start getting used to the idea…).
June 30, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Actually, I kind of lied about the living room. We’re all set there.
I’m really looking for something I can sell and make a good pile on. We both realize it may be necessary to wait for your demise to get top value and we both realize you are younger than I am, but I’m sure you’ll see your way to Doing The Right Thing after creating your masterwork for me.
It’s a very Viking gesture and I’d really appreciate it. No need to make your decision right away; I can wait a few years…
June 30, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Sorry, Tony, but if I leave this world, it will be on a burning boat, Viking-funeral style.
And I’ll take all my paintings with me!
June 30, 2009 at 6:31 pm
@Friar,
I’ve had a few different kinds before (hey, we had a dog, I didn’t feel too good about giving it to her if I didn’t at least know what she was eating). President’s Choice Beef & Rice wasn’t too bad. I’d recommend that.
A little Frank’s Red Hot would probably improve the flavour… heh heh
Funny you mention the burning boat. I keep meaning to look into the legal implications of doing that. I’m sure it’s not legal in Canada… but it must be legal somewhere (Norway, perhaps).
June 30, 2009 at 7:48 pm
@Brett
It’s probably standard practice at funeral homes in Scandanavia.
“Yes, would you like the Valhalla special for Uncle Lars? …that would be $3999.99”
June 30, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Friar,
I was a bit afraid of foul language, so I read it to The Kid without letting her see the post. (Whew, no prostate-talk at dinner.)
She loved it, and thinks #9 (not using 99% of your education), #17, and #20 about lots of school, are totally scary. But she laughed through the whole thing.
The Kid instructs me to tell you that she already likes PBS and Newsworld-type-things, so that part is not going to be a problem.
I loved #19, about how much goes into what you become. That is a real keeper.
I smiled through all of it. I guess being a grownup is scary, but as they say, the alternative is worse.
Regards,
Kelly
June 30, 2009 at 9:30 pm
@Kelly
Hopefully this post had a slightly positive influence on The Kid. (And I didn’t get her all wound up or scar her for life).
But I recommend she watch more of the Simpsons and SpongeBob, to counter-balance the harmful effects of PBS and news shows.
June 30, 2009 at 9:45 pm
SpongeWho?
😉
June 30, 2009 at 9:50 pm
@Kelly
Not every kid in the schoolyard wants to talk about Caillou!
You may be depriving your daughter of much-needed popular culture. 😉
June 30, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Friar,
All part of my master plan! She’ll meet another NewsHour, Nova, Scientific Frontiers, Antiques Roadshow, (and Caillou) lover in college, they’ll marry twenty years later when I think she’s old enough to kiss, and they’ll propagate a little race of Caillou lovers.
Bwah ha ha.
Later,
Kelly
June 30, 2009 at 10:12 pm
@Kelly
Well, then may I add a few Canadian shows that would fit right in there with your exciting list:
The Nature of Things (hosted by David Suzuki). Market Place. The Fifth Estate. Antiques Road Show (Canadian version). And the Road to Avonlea.
Zzzzz….you just gotta LOVE the CBC. (Makes PBS look like Fox).
June 30, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Well, thanks – you can just rock me to sleep tonight…
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
June 30, 2009 at 11:21 pm
@Kyddryn
If you cheering up, hopefully there might be a blog or two out there that tell you how to be positive and how to improve your life.
I mean..there SHOULD be blogs like that, right?
(I just have a hard time finding them!) 😉
July 1, 2009 at 9:28 am
July 1, 2009 at 9:50 am
@Eyeteaguy
That’s a great, wholesome video with a strong, moral message.
I hope Kelly’s kid has a chance to see it.
July 1, 2009 at 10:38 am
Tom Waits is a god.
Go buy an album and revel in the master.
Eyeteaguy
July 1, 2009 at 10:54 am
@Eyeteaguy
I admit…the music is a lot less SCARY then the Viking Skull-rock Brett likes to show me.
And Tom Wait’s voice is fantastic by comparison.
July 1, 2009 at 10:58 am
You just need some operatic metal, for a good voice.
July 1, 2009 at 11:11 am
@Brett
Oh, GREAT. Now you and Eyeteaguy are BOTH dumping YouTube videos on my blog.
That will be SURE to improve readership!!!
July 1, 2009 at 11:13 am
Yeah, but *mine* has a *pretty girl*, his has a guy with *bad teeth*… 🙂
July 1, 2009 at 11:22 am
@Brett
I admit..that was the first Metal-Viking chick you showed me that didnt’ scare the crap out of me.
July 1, 2009 at 11:48 am
@Friar,
There are more… I could clog up your blog with videos, actually.
(Sometimes I think I should write a music magazine.)
July 1, 2009 at 11:51 am
@Brett
What do you mean “could” clog up my blog?
(Like..as opposed to what you’re doing now?) 😉
July 1, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Oh, and? I did TOO use algebra in real life…once…about twenty years ago…but still, I used it!
Cheerful, schmeerful…I have a foul disposition and the manners of a troll. It says so on my blog, so it must be true.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who is still waiting to be rocked to sleep, thanyouverymuch)
July 1, 2009 at 2:06 pm
@Kyyddyn
A couple of years ago, I actually got to use a bit of engineering that I learned in University. I had to look up thermodynamic properties of steam, and figure out some heat transfer calculations.
Of course, this was 22 years after I had actually taken the course. But better late then ever.
PS. Nobody who signs off with “Shades and Sweetwater” could be much of a troll. You’re probably more cheerful than you give yourself credit for. 😉
July 1, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Oh my – heat transfer. That’s what caused me to buy my first computer.
I was selling heat exchangers. Big, very expensive heat exchangers. Doing the calculations on my TI calculator took for..ev..er..
The whole story is at http://aplawrence.com/wiz.html
Heat transfer made me what I am today 🙂
July 1, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@Tony
I also spent a big chunk of my life doing heat transfer. Including my Master’s. Heat Transfer RULES. 😀
Heh heh. I like your story about your TRS-80. I’m old enough to remember when those things were State-of-the-Art. (And then it was the Commodore Vic-20, right?)
July 1, 2009 at 3:27 pm
@Tony,
Awesome, the good old Trash 80, a friend of mine had one and I could never get the hang of the non-self-centering joysticks…
Then he got a C64, and we were in heaven.
Heat transfer was one of my favorites in engineering. It just made sense, I guess. Unlike organic chemistry… that’s like a black art.
July 3, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Take it back, take it back!! I am NOT cheerful! Dang it!
Sigh.
Next you’ll accuse me of being kind to animals.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who has a fuzzy notion of Boyle’s Law, but that’s about it for her scientific acumen)(until we get to Quantum Physics, which is a playground for loonies like me…hurrah for subjective reality!!)(Oh, and I played with a Trash 80 when…eh, never mind…makes me feel older than I think I am)
July 3, 2009 at 3:18 pm
@Kyydryn
Okay…okay! I take it back. You’re a grumpy old bat!
There…you happy now? 😉
July 3, 2009 at 5:01 pm
[…] 3. Lovely essay on the New York Times Motherlode blog by Amanda Goehring about the daughter she never gave birth to. And speaking of kids, for a quick laugh have a look at The Deep Friar’s 20 Truths Kids Should Know about Adulthood. […]
July 3, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Hrumph…thank you…I feel much better. Here, have a cookie…
Shade and Sweetwater,
K