Friar’s Random Rants

**********

If we learn from our mistakes, then I must be the smartest guy in the whole world.

**********

There’s only three things you need to know to be a Civil Engineer:

Shit Floats.
Water flows down hill.
And you can’t push a rope.

**********

When people say:

“Oh well, to each their own”,

what they really mean to say is:

“Ewww!!!  How can you possibly LIKE that?”

**********

I love it when people at conferences say “It gives me GREAT PLEASURE to introduce the next speaker”.

Standing on a podium…

In front of 200 people…

Introducing some obscure academic buffoon…

Who will bore the room to tears with some lame Powerpoint presentation…

If THAT’s what “great pleasure” consists of, then I want none of it.

**********

Overheard dialogue from two different 1960’s TV shows:

– Woof Woof!
– What’s that, Lassie?  Timmy is trapped down a well on Old Man Anderson’s farm, and there’s a forest fire on it’s way and we only have one hour to save him!?

– Click Clack!
– What’s that, Flipper?   Bud is stranded on Andersons’s Reef, and there’s a hurricane coming and we only have one hour to save him!?

**********

In the corporate world, a woman’s hair length is inversely proportional to their career progression.

**********

When people tell you:

“Oh well, different strokes for different folks”

what they really mean to say is:

“Your values and beliefs are just so WRONG!!!”

**********

If I had access to a Holo-Deck like on Star Trek, where I could create any reality I wanted,  you could be pretty sure that I would NOT be dressing up in 19th-century clothing and re-enacting  a Sherlock Holmes novel.

I think I’d be able to come up with a better fantasy than that.

**********

A professor once summarized the Second Law of Thermodynamics to our class:

“You can’t run a fridge, unless you plug it in”

That’s an excellent way to describe it, actually.

**********

If I had a nickel every time I heard (insert quote here), then I’d have $1.45 by now.

**********

In any given Wallmart store, it must be company policy to have at least one screaming pushcart-kid for every 1000 square feet of floor space.

**********

They say never forget to be grateful for what you have.

Okay, I’m grateful that when we’re stressed out, we don’t fling our poo around like some of the other apes do.

Imagine how messy the office would get.

**********

“If you fall off the horse, you have to get right back on it.”

Yeah, but what if I never learned to ride in the first place?

People get KILLED that way, you know.

**********

“It’s always darkest before the dawn”.

Uhhh…no.

Actually, it’s darkest at midnight (Standard Time), when the sun is 180 degrees opposite the zenith.

*********

If I see a penny on the ground, I leave it there.

I figure it costs more than $0.01 worth of food calories to bend over and pick it up.

**********

If what PBS tells me is true, then everyone in Britain is an Upper-Class twit, spending their time wandering about huge estates in tweed jackets, sipping tea, and puffing their cheeks in indignation while being interrogated by the Inspector who’s investigating a “Muuh-Deh”.

**********

The Brady Bunch lived in a house that was apparently designed by Mr. Brady himself.

Six kids, and one bathroom.

SMOOTH MOVE, DAD.

Who would ever hire such a shitty architect?

**********

When talking about Gilligan’s Island, guys always ask each other:

“Who would you prefer…Ginger, or Mary-Anne?”

Notice nobody ever picks Mrs. Howell.

**********

I really like to eat meat.  But not organs or glands (liver, kidneys, tripe, etc).

I just do the voluntary muscle.

**********

If a screaming kid is driving you crazy, pretend you’re at a zoo.

Pretend it’s a baby monkey acting up, and that this is cute and funny.

I find this helps sometimes.

**********

They say no matter how bad off you are, to count your blessings, and remember that there are those less fortunate than you.

Like the Lowest Common Denominator Guy.

He’s deaf, dumb, blind, brain-damaged and retarded, with no friends and family, who’s a quadruple amputee with psoriasis and impacted wisdom teeth.

EVERYONE is better off than the Lowest Common Denominator Guy.

**********

Your horoscope depends on the precise moment you’re born.

So apparently, the only thing protecting an unborn baby against the bad astrological influences of the Universe is the Mother’s uterus and abdominal muscles.

If this is the case, and they know a baby is going to be born under a “bad sign”, they should probably rig some kind of incubator-device lined with meat.

Keep the kid in there, and let him out when the stars are aligned more favorably.

**********

You know at parties or wedding receptions, when it’s the last song of the night?

And they turn the lights on and the DJ plays “New York, New York”?

And people lock arms and start dancing in a chorus line?

Doesn’t this make you just want to gouge your eyes out and run screaming from the room?

**********

I say when Life hands you lemons, collect them in a basket, and then chuck them as hard as you can, right back at at Life’s head!

*********

Explore posts in the same categories: Friar's Grab Bag

Tags: astrology, Brady Bunch, Gilligan's Island, humor, inspirational quotes, Lassie, PBS, rant, Star Trek

You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.