Friar’s Least-Inspiring Facebook Posts

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Ooh, look! I can be inspirational, too!

I wrote some inspirational quotes off the top of my head.

And believe me, it was not as easy as you think.

I mean, it must have taken me several MINUTES to come up with these.

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Now, for any Whale-Hugging Moon Children out there,  please feel free to cut-and-paste these onto your Facebook wall any time you want.

Then you can  appear wise and all-knowing, and you and your friends can comment,  while you weep with joy together on your new-found sense of self-awareness.

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For the rest of you…just take these for what they’re worth.

(*Pfft….snicker!*) 😀

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Friendship is like a flower garden.   Some friends are perennials: dependent and reliable, that keep coming back.   Others are annuals: brilliant and dazzling, but short-lived,  while some are noxious weeds that need to be culled out before they do any further damage.

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There is no silence louder than that of unspoiled, isolated wilderness.

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Any day you catch a fish, regardless of what else happens, is a GOOD day.

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Telling some one “Well done, good job”  costs you nothing.   Telling someone “You’re no good, you screwed up” costs you a lot.

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Life is like an artists’ palette. We’re all given the same essential colors with which to create the painting of our life.    But it’s up to us how we use our paints, to either create a bad piece of artwork, or a brilliant masterpiece.

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Material possessions are the anchors that weigh down our soul.

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The Sun, Moon and Stars do not care if you succeed or fail.   Only you can have this power.

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Dream big, or stay home.

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I shall build a Tower of Hope.  The foundation shall be Knowledge.   The bricks and mortar shall be  Fairness and Compassion.   When I am done, I will climb to the top and shout gleefully, inviting others to join me in building their own Towers.

Things I’m apparently supposed to get excited about, but am NOT.

Multi-Grain Bread
17-grain wholesome goodness.  Which contains enough oat kernels, wheat stalks and sunflower shells to sand-blast your colon to a mirror-like finish.

“Eat it…it’s good for you“, they tell me.

It will clean me out.   Lower my cholesterol.   Make me a better human being.    Solve Global Warming.

The thing is…people taste things differently.  There’s no right or wrong…it’s just how our brains are wired to our tongues.

And to me, whole-wheat tastes bitter.

Which as far as I’m concerned, is my body’s way of telling me “Don’t eat that.”

So to any Food-Police out there, try to wrap this around your head this:

I DON’T LIKE IT!!!

Stop trying to convert me.

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Pointless Home Renovations
By double-incomer types, who’s fantastic brand-new home is already ten times better than anything you’ll ever afford.

But apparently it’s still not good enough .

So they rip apart the whole damned thing and spend the next 5 years living on a construction site.

And whenever  you visit, you’ll get the Mandatory House Tour: painstaking room by painstaking room, of what was done, and what will be done.

During which, you’re supposed to Oooh and Ahhh while they preen.

But it’s not like they learned new skills, poured their heart into it, and actually did the work themselves.

No…the only thing they’ve accomplished is that they’re rich enough to hire someone ELSE to do it.

Congratulations, you win.

But really….it’s just accumulating more STUFF.

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Photos of Kids I don’t’ know, from people I don’t know
I think I must be missing some crucial parental instincts.    Because when people send me photos of kids who aren’t even theirs,  I don’t give a flying fox-fart.

Nor do I feel the urge to jump upon the Mommy-Blogger band-wagon and leave the mandatory  “Awwwwwww…Cute!”

If these were close friends, and the photos were of their kids, who I’d actually meet one day, that’s different.

But otherwise, you might as well just google “children”, and cut and paste any of the random photos that come up.

Means the same to me, basically.

People who brag about their real estate investment
Seniors are especially good at this.

“When I bought this house back in Ought Six, I paid two bags of flour for it.    Now it’s worth over a $750,000, Thank You Very Much”.

Again, congratulations, you win.

And thank you for reminding me that I was born too late to be able to benefit from affordable housing in the post-war boom.

But you know, I don’t like to talk about my accumulation of material possessions.

So try to imagine how talking about YOUR accumulation of material possessions interests me even LESS.

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Who wins the Hockey Game.
Don’t get me wrong.  I like a good game.

But it’s not like I”m going to paint my face in team colors, and wear-sack cloth and ashes if they don’t make the play-offs.

Because what’s actually involved, when you think about it?

A billionaire selects a small group of athletes from around the whole continent, and pays them millions to chase a piece of frozen rubber on the ice.

And they compete against another billionaire’s group of millionaires, trying to do the same thing.

This makes my life better, and validates which town I live in…HOW?

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Inspirational  stories that you couldn’t possible live up to.
Like Little Timmy who fell down the well and lost all his arms and legs.   Who fought back tears and ridicule.  But through sheer guts and determination, became the High School Tiddly-Wink Captain.

Doesn’t his story inspire you? Doesn’t’ his story put things in perspective, and make you realize how lucky you are?

And shouldn’t we all strive to be like Little Timmy?

Well, $&#* Little Timmy.

Good for him..but that’s his life.  He’s not living mine.   I am.

Besides, we don’t know the whole story.   Maybe Timmy has issues.

Like, maybe he’s a a total a-hole when he’s not playing tiddly winks.

Or he beats up his cat.     We don’t know.

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Dubious Book Reviews

“Top Twelve Tips to Optimize your Belly Button Lint Using SEO Branding Strategies in an Affiliate Market Environment“

When people tell me they absolutely LOVED this book, I get a bit skeptical.

This is what you honestly like to read in your free time? ….Seriously? 

Or do you like this book,  because you’ll get a cut for every sale you help generate?

Inquiring minds want to know.

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Glory-Heroes who Climb Mt. Everest
Hey, if you want to do the equivalent of stepping out of a jet plane at 30,000 feet, and slowly letting  your brain swell and suffocate, fine.

But don’t expect me to worship you.

Because I’m too  busy playing my guitar, painting, or doing other things that require opposable thumbs.

Which didn’t freeze off, by the way.  a

Slum-Dog Millionaire
No, I will NOT see this movie.

I will not, I will not, I will NOT.

Because the Oscars and a lot of people tell me I should.

Which, of course,  makes me want to see it even LESS.

(Yes, I know I’m being a stubborn dick.)

But I’m going to allow myself that luxury.

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Inspirational Quotes
This is all some people write about, and nothing else.

Makes you wonder what their thought process is.

1.   Everyone is all depressed and messed up, looking for that ONE thing to lift their spirits…

2.  Hmmm…I’ll take it upon myself to copy down 10-15 words from some dead poet.  Because NO ONE has ever done this before.

3.  This will be JUST the thing these people needed.   Those precious words will solve ALL of their Life’s Problems, it’s that simple.

4.  People will write to me, bursting  into tears of gratitude, and self-awareness.  (Thank you…*sob*…THANK you!!!)

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But really, it’s just cut-and-paste, when you think of it.

And how hard can that be?

How to Write Realistic-Sounding Inspirational Quotes (Part I)

Okay, there’s nothing wrong with quoting something useful once in a while.   But it seems to be getting out of hand, in my opinion.

Seems like half of Blogo-Land and the Planet Twitter has a copy of Bartlett’s Quotations on hand, that they just can’t WAIT to share with the other half.

Because apparently what some dead guy said 100 years ago is more valid and more inspiring that what we can come up on our own.

And apparently, we’re incapable of deciding how to run our lives unless we read what someone ELSE thinks first.  (Someone who most likely has never met us, and never will).

Well, call my a cynical old Friar, but I’m not that impressed with all these famous quotes.

Because, really….it’s NOT that HARD.

Follow these tips, and you can come up with inspirational quotes on your own,

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1.  Make a list of Pleasant Nouns
Touchy-feely ones, that invoke warm fuzzy feelings.

Love, Hope, Inspiration, Music, Joy, Character, Dreams, Perseverance, Patience, Truth, Beauty, Creativity,  Beacon, Light, Tool, Knowledge, Honesty, Success, Jewel, Leadership, etc.

2.  Make a list of Unpleasant Nouns
That evoke negative images.

Hatred, Ignorance, Procrastination,  Sloth, Ignorance, Racism,  Failure,  Greed, Selfishness, Hesitation,  Cloud, Storm, Lies, etc.

3.   Make a list of Verbs
Think of “Action” verbs, including some opposites.

Illuminate, Shine,  Bathe,  Dirty, Soothe, Aggravate,  Drive (us),   Push (us),  Lighten/Darken, Conquer,  Shed (light),  Sharpen/Dull,  Succeed/Fail,   Win/Lose, Stop/Start, Lead/Follow, etc.

4.  Follow the generic template:
“(NOUN) is the (NOUN) that  (VERB) (blah blah) (NOUN)

Examples:

Music is the truth that soothes our soul.
Knowledge is the beacon that sheds light on our ignorance.
Creativity is the tool that sharpens success.

5.  Don’t be afraid to slightly modify the template, and mix and match opposites

1. (NOUN) is the (blah  blah) by which (VERB)
2. (NOUN) are (blah blah)  (VERB)

Examples:

Perseverance is the means by which we succeed.
Procrastination is the means by which we fail.

Dreams are never realized by procrastinating
Dreams are always realized by perservering.

You can pick one or the other.  Either/or.  They mean the same thing.

6.  Pick a word, any word, and free-associate.

Take “Leadership”, for example.   Hmmm…what makes a good leader?

Leadership is knowing when to stop.
Leadership is knowing when to never quit.

Notice these two sentences are totally different.   Doesn’t matter which one you pick.  It’s all good.  (Because it’s an inspiration quote. It CAN’T be wrong, right?)

What would a shitty leader do? Try a “negative” sentence.

Hesitation and leadership never lead to winning.

To make it less obvious,  twist the words around, and make it a positive affirmation.

A leader who hesitates is the key to failure.

(You could have just as well used “procrastinates” here, or “is dishonest”, or anything else negative).

How about adding something with “dreams”?   (Dreams is always a sure-fire winner).     Hmm..let’s see.

A leader follows his dreams.

…(too simple!).    Let’s make it sound more artsy.   How about adding something about the leader’s dreams pushing us forward?

A leader is one who’s dreams propel us forward.

Still too simple.  Lets turn this into a simile.  (Or metaphor…I never could get those straight).

Fuel is to the engine, as dreams are to a leader : They both propel us forward.

(Oooh…now isn’t that DEEP?)    That one could have been said by René Descartes himself (if internal combustion engines existed in his time).

Go on…give it a try…you’ll be surprised what you can come up with.

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Stay tuned for Part II:  More tricks and templates.  And coming up with fake names.

Inspiring Words to Live By

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Creativity is the glue that binds our ideas together.
– Professor F. Meigh (Chudleigh University, 1973).

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If you’re not amazed by Nature, then you should be.
– Berken Schnauzer (Nobel Prize in Physics, 1930).

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Self-improvement is the whetstone on which we sharpen our characters.
– Anniston Parker (Memoirs of a Scullery Girl, 1834).

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The secret to selling is not to give someone what they want…but to avoid giving them what they don’t want,
– P. J. Woolerston (20th Century Industrialist, 1905).

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The greatest part of a journey is not the beginning, not the end, but the whole process.   The fact that we’re on a journey in the first place gives us hope, and gives us something to strive for.   After all, isn’t that what we’re put on this planet for?
– Stephanie Osterbach,  (Paralympic Decathalon Champion, 2003).

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God may not play dice with the Universe, but he’s been known to go to Vegas for the weekend, and play the slots.
– Brian M. Teister (Professor of Quantum Physics, East Dundas University, 1983).

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It matters little what our desires and needs are…the monsoon will always come, as will waves break on a distant shore.
– Bradha Vardanashaminaran  (Hindu Philosopher,   Quotes from Vishna Krishthar, 1328).

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Saving the planet doesn’t take much effort.   If we each do a small part, together we can make a huge difference.
– Nadia Smith Sherlock (Co-found of Earth-Mother Enterprises, 2002).

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The laughter of a child, the love of a good woman, and sinking a birdie putt.  That’s what life is all about.
– Dick Weede (PGA Champion, 1934).

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I made up all these quotes, just now.
– Friar (The Deep Friar Blog, 2009).

Running with the Pack: How to Blog Inside the Box

Anyone who strings 500 words together describing what the cat upchucked at breakfast automatically qualifies as a serious, professional “Writer”.

The only reason we’re not all best-selling novelists has nothing to do with our writing skills or talent.  It’s because we haven’t decided to write that first draft yet.   That’s all it takes, really.

Our entire economy can apparently run on the basis of everyone sitting at home, typing to each other on our computers.   Anyone can earn six figures doing this:  the only reason we aren’t is that we’re obviously not trying hard enough.

You know those blogs that everyone likes?    Let everyone know how COOL you think they are.   (You can never praise the Cool Kids enough!)

Freelance writers who work 70 hours a week, shivering in basement apartments eating Ramen Noodles are infinitely superior to the poor bastards working 9-to-5 cubicle-jobs earning $90K.

The market can easily accommodate hundreds of thousands of new authors.    It’s just that those Fat-Cat publishing companies won’t allow it.

If you must discuss politics, just remember to keep it Left-of-Center.    (We know Conservatives are evil, because the Blogosphere tells us so).

You can never post enough itemized lists on how to Improve your Life.   The more lists, the better.

Word of advice:  the Emperor always DOES have clothes!   (Just go with the flow).

Every one of us, regardless of our background, is a Qualified Life Coach.   What works for us, will work for the whole planet.  If ONLY they would listen.

Forget Doctors, Teachers, Engineers, Social Workers, Aid Workers, etc.   It is We…the BLOGGERS, that the world depends on.

In fact, pick a problem.   Any problem.  Like Global Warming or World Hunger.    We can solve it by talking about it for one day.

You can never get enough famous quotes.   They answer all of Life’s challenges or tough questions.  The more you post, the better.

If you don’t post any quotes, then comment how reading one made you burst into tears of inspiration and self-awareness.

It’s important to get lots of blog traffic and comments, but not TOO much, otherwise it wastes your time.   It’s up to your readers to know the perfect balance.

Anyone with a digital camera is capable of producing National Geographic-quality photos.   There is no such thing as bad lighting or poor composition.  Whether it’s a pristine mountain scene or a fetid cesspool, it doesn’t’ matter:  any photo that’s posted is absolutely EXQUISITE, and is worthy of goosebumps and gasps of awe.

It’s crucial to maintain that emotional instability:   at any given moment, be prepared to roll of the floor in hysterical laughter, or burst into fits of uncontrolled sobbing.

Remember that Cool-Kids’ blog that everyone likes?    If they fart,  it’s important to comment how it smells like oven-fresh cinnamon buns.

Forget about posting any actual ORIGINAL creations (like passages from your novel, some poetry or a short story).   What IS important is to write about that fact that you’re writing.

Our blogs are SO IMPORTANT, that we have a RESPONSIBILITY to keep posting our random thoughts.    If we go away for the weekend or miss a post,  it’s important to let the World know.   Otherwise,  our readers will rend their garments, lose Faith in Humanity, and and Civilization (As We Know It) will END.

Finally…

Group Hug, everyone.  (Then weep with joy, as we all are one community).   😉

Increasing your Traffic: Blog Posts that are Guaranteed Crowd-Pleasers.

C’mon.  Admit it.   We’ve all done some of these. 😉

– Friar

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Write a link post, listing your favorite bloggers.

Write a link post, thanking your favorite bloggers.

Write a link post, thanking other bloggers who wrote a link posts about your blog.

Write a link post, listing the blogs that tell you how to blog.

Post one of your photos.  Any photo.   It will be awesome.

Announce that you’re going on vacation so you wont’ be posting for a while.   Coyly ask your readers if this is okay.

Write about something that makes you cry.  Chances are, everyone else will too.

Pick one of the Cool Kids’ blogs, and write about how great they are.   Don’t people realize these blogs reduce global warming and eliminate world hunger?

Quote a passage from somewhere, and explain how reading it changed your life.

Fill in the blanks:   “Life is like a _________.    How do YOU deal with the _______’s in YOUR life? “

If you slept badly or you have the sniffles,  let everyone know you feel bad.  They’ll be impressed how you soldiered on and kept posting.

Write an open letter to a loved one, and watch the Kleenex fly.

Mention your kids (you can never go wrong with this one).

Write about some mundane everyday task (like combing your hair or taking out the garbage).    Invite readers to comment on how they deal with the same mundane task.

Explain to others how, if they follow your expert advice, they can drastically improve their own lives.

Announce your recent self-discovery that you find your life unfulfilled, and that you have decided that it’s time to make some changes.   You don’t necessarily have to do anything yet.   Just announce it.

If you’re one of the Cool Kids,  it doesn’t matter what you write.   You poo smells like oven-fresh cinnamon buns, and you can do no wrong.

Motivating Yourself with More Inspirational Quotes

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If you tell me I cannot do something, you are only encouraging me to prove otherwise.
Paulsen Sveblard,  Paralymics Silver Medalist

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A canyon takes millions of years to form, yet each and every raindrop contributes to its creation.
Professor Thurston McDonnel, University of Arizona, (1936).

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Alone, we are defeated.   Together, we win.
Kvele Avaargärd,  Norse King (circa 982 AD).

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The trick is, to let the customer think they’re always right.
P. J. Northrop, Early 20th Century Industrialist.

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Harsh words can cut the soul deeper than a jagged blade will cut the flesh.
Lady Elizabeth Bronte Uppertwait III (1823).

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Gratitude is the basis of all charity.
Bhadda Sivarkhanasrikithsna (circa 1500 BC).

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Negativity is to failure as gasoline is to a grease fire.
Thomas Peabody, 19th Century American Humorist (1889).

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If children are the future, then we are the present.
Maria Marisolivich, Russian Poet (1736)

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You can visit the past, but you can’t stay there.
Dorothy Lemure, The New Yorker (1928).

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Do not wait for hunger.  Hunt now.
Lakota Sioux proverb

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Laughter, like a sparkling fountain, is best when shared by all.
Swedish Proverb

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Showing your enemy compassion is not a sign of weakness, but one of strength.
Hsug Tsi Lao,  Chinese Emperor (215 AD).

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The bonfires of change are often ignited by a single match of creativity.
Jean-Francois de Couperand, 1782.

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Chocolate has saved more marriages than flowers and kind words have.
Penny McNagg, “How to Save Your Marriage while Saving Yourself”, (1971).

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P.S.   Dear Readers;

In case you’re wondering…

Same as before,  NONE of these quotes are real.

I made them up again, off the top of my head.  😀

– Friar

The Philosophy of Life Using Everyday Household Objects.

Pick an object, any random object.  

And I’ll write a “deep, meaningful” post about it,  using it as a metaphor to explain the intricacies of Life.  

 For example:

Vacuum cleaners
Life is like vacuuming.   You pass the vacuum cleaner over the carpet and remove all the undesirable dust and dirt.   

Similarly, we need to periodically “vacuum” our lives, to get rid of the dirt on the Carpet that is our daily existence.

Vacuuming needs to be done regularly,  otherwise the dirt gets matted in, and then a rug-shampooer in needed.   An otherwise simple household chore has now become a bigger, more complicated job.    

It’s a lesson that we should always take care of the little problems, before they get out of hand.

When do YOU vacuum your life?    What kind of vacuum cleaner do YOU use?

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Blenders
Life is like a blender.   You take separate ingredients, mix them together, and create a new type of food that’s tastier than the sum of the individual ingredients.

Fresh berries, fruit juice, yogurt, for example.   Each is delicious on their own, but combine them together, and you get a Smoothie!

Thirty years ago, very few people knew what a Smoothie was.   But someone tried a new idea, and now Smoothies have become a nutritious part of our mainstream diet.  

Similarly, we can all discover new “recipes” in life, by abandoning our pre-conceived ideas of what concepts “should” go together, and trying and creating new things.

What new ideas have YOU blended together?   What flavour is YOUR Smoothie?

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Staplers
A stapler is a fascinating device.   It produces strips of bent wire.   Each only worth a fraction of a penny.   Nothing much there, one might think.

But look at what staples can achieve.  They help bind together important papers and documents. 

Have you ever tried to write a report, or produce an important contract without a stapler?  Imagine  how disorganized and messy our work would be, if we didn’t have staples.

Life is like that.   When things get too complicated, we need to look for our “stapler”.   It provides a central anchoring point to keep all our important “pages” together.

Our stapler can be any number of things: 

Our values/beliefs.  A best friend.   A role model.  Or faith in a supreme being…

Regardless of what your “Stapler” is…it’s as essential part of your Life.   

What kind of staples do YOU use?    What do you do when your stapler runs out?

 

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Bumblebees.   Thumbtacks.   Picking up your dry cleaning…etc.

You name it…I can philosophize about it.  🙂

Now…go and find YOUR philosophy!

Friar’s Random Rants

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If we learn from our mistakes, then I must be the smartest guy in the whole world.

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There’s only three things you need to know to be a Civil Engineer:

Shit Floats.
Water flows down hill.
And you can’t push a rope.

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When people say:

“Oh well, to each their own”,

what they really mean to say is:

“Ewww!!!  How can you possibly LIKE that?”

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I love it when people at conferences say “It gives me GREAT PLEASURE to introduce the next speaker”.

Standing on a podium…

In front of 200 people…

Introducing some obscure academic buffoon…

Who will bore the room to tears with some lame Powerpoint presentation…

If THAT’s what “great pleasure” consists of, then I want none of it.

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Overheard dialogue from two different 1960’s TV shows:

– Woof Woof!
– What’s that, Lassie?  Timmy is trapped down a well on Old Man Anderson’s farm, and there’s a forest fire on it’s way and we only have one hour to save him!?

– Click Clack!
– What’s that, Flipper?   Bud is stranded on Andersons’s Reef, and there’s a hurricane coming and we only have one hour to save him!?

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In the corporate world, a woman’s hair length is inversely proportional to their career progression.

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When people tell you:

“Oh well, different strokes for different folks”

what they really mean to say is:

“Your values and beliefs are just so WRONG!!!”

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If I had access to a Holo-Deck like on Star Trek, where I could create any reality I wanted,  you could be pretty sure that I would NOT be dressing up in 19th-century clothing and re-enacting  a Sherlock Holmes novel.

I think I’d be able to come up with a better fantasy than that.

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A professor once summarized the Second Law of Thermodynamics to our class:

“You can’t run a fridge, unless you plug it in”

That’s an excellent way to describe it, actually.

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If I had a nickel every time I heard (insert quote here), then I’d have $1.45 by now.

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In any given Wallmart store, it must be company policy to have at least one screaming pushcart-kid for every 1000 square feet of floor space.

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They say never forget to be grateful for what you have.

Okay, I’m grateful that when we’re stressed out, we don’t fling our poo around like some of the other apes do.

Imagine how messy the office would get.

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“If you fall off the horse, you have to get right back on it.”

Yeah, but what if I never learned to ride in the first place?

People get KILLED that way, you know.

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“It’s always darkest before the dawn”.

Uhhh…no.

Actually, it’s darkest at midnight (Standard Time), when the sun is 180 degrees opposite the zenith.

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If I see a penny on the ground, I leave it there.

I figure it costs more than $0.01 worth of food calories to bend over and pick it up.

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If what PBS tells me is true, then everyone in Britain is an Upper-Class twit, spending their time wandering about huge estates in tweed jackets, sipping tea, and puffing their cheeks in indignation while being interrogated by the Inspector who’s investigating a “Muuh-Deh”.

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The Brady Bunch lived in a house that was apparently designed by Mr. Brady himself.

Six kids, and one bathroom.

SMOOTH MOVE, DAD.

Who would ever hire such a shitty architect?

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When talking about Gilligan’s Island, guys always ask each other:

“Who would you prefer…Ginger, or Mary-Anne?”

Notice nobody ever picks Mrs. Howell.

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I really like to eat meat.  But not organs or glands (liver, kidneys, tripe, etc).

I just do the voluntary muscle.

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If a screaming kid is driving you crazy, pretend you’re at a zoo.

Pretend it’s a baby monkey acting up, and that this is cute and funny.

I find this helps sometimes.

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They say no matter how bad off you are, to count your blessings, and remember that there are those less fortunate than you.

Like the Lowest Common Denominator Guy.

He’s deaf, dumb, blind, brain-damaged and retarded, with no friends and family, who’s a quadruple amputee with psoriasis and impacted wisdom teeth.

EVERYONE is better off than the Lowest Common Denominator Guy.

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Your horoscope depends on the precise moment you’re born.

So apparently, the only thing protecting an unborn baby against the bad astrological influences of the Universe is the Mother’s uterus and abdominal muscles.

If this is the case, and they know a baby is going to be born under a “bad sign”, they should probably rig some kind of incubator-device lined with meat.

Keep the kid in there, and let him out when the stars are aligned more favorably.

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You know at parties or wedding receptions, when it’s the last song of the night?

And they turn the lights on and the DJ plays “New York, New York”?

And people lock arms and start dancing in a chorus line?

Doesn’t this make you just want to gouge your eyes out and run screaming from the room?

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I say when Life hands you lemons, collect them in a basket, and then chuck them as hard as you can, right back at at Life’s head!

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