Friar’s Random Rants (Part IV)

Hey, you yokels in Northern Ontario, selling blueberries off the side of the road…

…why don’t you learn to FREAKING SPELL!?

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By the way, what IS it….with geologists and beards?

They always seem to have one.

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I think anyone who uses the words “numbers game” deserves, by law, to be severely pummeled.

Like if you happen to be unemployed and you’re discouraged about being unable to find work.

And some rocket scientist (who HAS a job) dismisses your problems, and tells you:

“Oh, don’t let it get you down.  It’s only a numbers game.”

Gee, thanks.

Great advice.

I’m SURE to land that important interview, now!

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Movie/TV characters that communicate extremely well with no words:

– Lassie
– Flipper
– Chewbaca
– R2-D2
– Toot (from The Mighty Hercules)

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“If Life hand you lemons, make lemonade”.

Oh, yes.

By all means.

Let’s talk about CITRUS BEVERAGES.

THAT’LL HELP!

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John Lennon and Yoko Ono both contributed to the album Double Fantasy.

Guess whose songs I like better?

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Rejected pub names:

– The Thrusting Pig
– The Lanced Boil
– The Purple Helmet
– Anything with “Clam”.

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Okay, so Mickey hangs out with his best friend Goofy, who walks upright and talks like a human.

Yet he also owns Pluto, who can only bark and sleeps outside in a doghouse.

So where do you draw the line, between man and dog?

I’m SO CONFUSED here!

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While we’re on the subject:

Why do Mickey and Goofy wear pants, and Donald Duck doesn’t?

Why are naked feathers acceptable, but naked fur ISN’T?

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When women menstruate, it’s a fluorescent blue liquid.

I know this, because the TV and magazine ads tell me so.

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If we humans were ever captured by an advanced alien race and kept in a zoo, I wonder what they would feed us?

Some kind of standard food pellet, I suppose.

I like to think it would be Cheerios.

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Dagwood, summarized in 7 words:

Sleeps.  Bathes.  Hates work. Eats big sammitches.

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Rejected Pokemon Names:

-Hemorrhoid Blast
-Turdo
-Re-Turdo (evolves from Turdo)
-Jello Mold
– Fax Machine

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Those Smart Cars.

Wussy little things.

I just wanna tip ’em.

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I like in Elvis movies, how he can randomly turn on a radio, and at that precise moment an instrumental number is playing which he can sing along to.

How convenient.

Where can I get a radio like that?

I bet you at the same store where the cast of Giligan’s Island got theirs.

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Have you see the Worlds Largest Tee-Pee in Medicine Hat, Alberta?

I’m sorry, that is NOT a tee-pee.

No.  That is a huge monstrosity made up of metal girders.

And it’s hardly what I’d call traditional.

Somehow, I doubt the nomadic tribes of the Great Plains had very many steel mills back then.

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Two Scoops of Raisins in a Package of Kellogs Raisin Bran

Okay, define a “scoop”.

What is that in S.I. Units?

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Thank God we use “Kelvin” degrees for the absolute temperature scale.

Imagine, if instead, it was something else?

I can just picture a high-school chemistry teacher, saying “Nitrogen liquefies at 77 MELVIN”.

God, that would sound so LAME.

We’d have a nation full of football players because no one would ever want to go into science.

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Godammed R.V. people.

It’s not good enough that you monopolize the campground with your gas-guzzling behemoth vehicles, with their air conditioning, wireless internet and satellite TV?

But do you REALLY need to bring along your plastic dogs and shitty lawn ornaments?

Can’t you at least PRETEND to rough it, just a LITTLE?

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Tags: cheerios, dagwood, Elvis, funny, humor, John Lennon, lawn ornaments, Mickey Mouse, northern ontario, Pokemon spoof, R2-D2, rant, RV's, the mighty hercules, Worlds Largest Tee-Pee, Yoko Ono

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