Eight Anti-Zen Tips to Help Complicate your Life

1. Remember to Breathe…
…hard!   And grunt when you do so.

Think about that a-hole who took your parking spot.  Or your boss yelling you at work.   Gettin’ mad?    Do you feel your breathing getting  shallow and fast?

Good!  Now, start becoming aware of your body.  Listen to the tight breaths whistle between your clenched teeth.   Feel your jaw ache.   Keep this up, till your head throbs.

Do you feel a tightness in your chest?

Ahhh, excellent, Grasshopper.

That means you’ve getting it right.

2.  Keep a Proper Diet
Forget the nuts and berries crap.   What do those Buddhist monks know anyway?  Sure, they live long.  And they’ll probably reach Enlightenment.

But lookit how skinny they are.   Bet you guys never enjoyed a good Porterhouse in their life.

Just remember the four basic Anti-Zen food-groups:   Sugar, Salt, Caffeine and Fat.

Discipline yourself.    If you make a small effort, it wont’ take too much effort to get all these basic food groups in one shot.

A McDonalds’ Big Mac Meal.    Donuts and Coffee.   Movie theater popcorn with a gallon-sized tub of soda.   Any one of these snack will meet all your daily “Vitamin J” requirements.

3.  Don’t be afraid to F*#$ing Swear a Lot
Hmph.  Those Zen folks getting all high and mighty about never losing their temper.   On account of they’ve learned to accept things that they cannot change…yadda yadda yadda.

Yeaaah, right.

You know damned well they’re just bottling it up, and it’s a recipe for  a heart attack at age 39.

A true Anti-Zen Master lives in the Moment.    And often that moment dictates that if you’re pissed off about something,  you need to vent off some steam and let the whole world know.

That’s when swearing comes in.

The best profanity invokes images of humans and animals engaged in various acts of carnality.  You may also want to include the deity of your choice.

So let loose.  Don’t be afraid.  Be creative.

But if you’re not the artistic type, hey, there’s nothing wrong with dropping the classic F-Bomb.

4.  Exercise
Ideally,  try a sport that involves a motorized vehicle of some sort.   Fishing with a motor boat.  Snow-mobiling.   Motorcycling, or any kind of off-road driving.

If you MUST do something physical, at least make it something intense, where you can get really aggressive and yell at people, and risk tearing some cartilage.

Tennis is a good one (think of John MacEnroe).  Touch football is also highly-rated (so long as it’s actually tackle).  Golf is also good (provided you remember to get really MAD when you miss your putt.)

But none of that Yoga bullshit.   (C’mon!  What USE is that?)

If I can’t touch my elbows together under my knees, then so be it.  I could live with that.  (Especially being a guy)

And forget Tai-Chi…(I mean…WTF?)

Unless you speed it up..and then you’re doing kung-fu.  (Which at least falls into the acceptable aggressive/injury category).

5.  Motivate Yourself with Appropriate Music
Sorry, Zamfir, Master of the Pan flute, but you gotta go.   So does Enya, whale-songs, and any other music that belongs in a Tampon ad.

Replace this with heavy metal.   Preferably Viking Death-Metal.

If the music doesn’t make you feel like smashing your head into a brick wall, then it ain’t Anti-Zen.

This is an excellent exercise, to help you with your hard breathing.

6.  Un-Clutter your Environment
Do you have too much crap around your house?   Are you feeling crowded and cluttered?

Easy solution.   Move to a bigger house.     Now you can spread out more, and your home will feel emptier.

Repeat as often as necessary, until you die.

7.  Find Good Role Models.
There are lots of Anti-Zen Masters out there.

Here are some, to name a few.

– John MacEneroe (as mentionned above)
– Chef Gordon Ramsay
– American Idol Contestants (the shitty ones, at the beginning of the season).
– Oscar the Grouch
– My Grade 11 English Teacher

Observe them.   Follow them.   BE them.

Because one day, you will.

8. Keep a Closed Mind
You made it this far in life…so obviously you’re doing SOMETHING right.    So WHY change things now?

The last thing you want to do, is read all kinds of books and blogs with tips on how to improve your life.

Think for yourself, and just ignore all those do-gooders trying to help you.

Starting this this post.

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Tags: anti-zen, breathing exercises, humor, John Macenroe, rant, tai-chi, Zen habits

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