The Parking Nazi

“You left the gate open 4 times in the last 11 days” , the Parking Nazi informed me.

Such was my parking violation bi-monthly update.   He had counted my infractions, and reported them back to me.

You see, I used to live in a Gated Community.   Years ago, outside of Kingston, Ontario, I rented a small house on the waterfront.  But my Parking-Nazi landlord also happened to be my neighbor.   In order to get access to my property, I had to drive through his lane-way, which he kept off-limits to the public with his gate.

But what a Magical, Special Gate it was!    A homemade hodgepodge of angle iron and PVC pipe, attached to an electric motor from a garage door opener.   You had to press the remote control that he gave you, in order to get this God-awful monstrosity to precariously swing open on its wobbly axis.

For added effect, he had added a string of Christmas lights that lit up every time the gate was activated.  But over the years, most of the bulbs had burnt out and were never replaced.   So by now, only a few remaining lights would pathetically announce my arrival and departure.

And he had a RULE.   You had to close the gate after you, every time you came or left.  Furthermore, NOBODY was allowed to park next to your house, in your driveway, except you.   Visitors were welcome, but they had to park on the street, a 500 foot walk down the road

The logic of this escaped me.  I had a perfectly good driveway next to the house with ample parking.   I was a responsible 37 year old adult.  Whey couldn’t I have visitors?

But no.  Those were the Parking Nazi’s RULES.   And they were not to be violated.

When I had first seen the place, my friend was with me and she was not terribly impressed. (If you know my friend, she’s very sweet and never has anything bad to say about anyone.)

So imagine my surprise when she later referred to him as an “Ee-Jit”.

I’d never heard her say this before, about anyone.  Ever.

But given the great waterfront location, we both agreed his little stupid rules were a small price to pay for being able to live here.

Weeks later, on moving day, my brother and his wife came by to help me unpack.   I allowed them to park on my driveway.   Surely, I thought, the Parking Nazi would understand.  Surely, Jacques, he’d make an exception for moving day.

No such luck.  Within 2 minutes, he showed up at my front door, red-raced, and said “I thought I told you no visitors”.

I explained this was my brother and sister-in-law.   This is family.   And they were helping me move.

He held his ground and stood there stubbornly, bewildered and angry, until we agreed to drop what we were doing and moved the offending vehicle down the road.

Next week, my folks came by with their van loaded with some of my furniture.   This time I came prepared, and asked the Nazi for special permission:

“Can my folks please park next to my house?” I asked.  “They need to park close because they have to unload my dresser and my desk”.

“Well, okay”, he reluctantly replied, “..but as soon as they unload the van, they have to move it right back to the visitor parking”.

My Dad was just delighted to hear this. 

Jesus Christ, he muttered through gritted teeth, never in my whole life have I seen such stupidy.

He moved the van, but then realized he had forgotten his tool box.   So he had to walk all the way up the road to where he had parked.

Mom suggested we first ask permission to park close again.  Dad refused, furious that we were being treated this way.

“If I see that jerk, I refuse to even SPEAK to him…I’d rather walk, than to have anything to do with him again, ever, in my WHOLE LIFE!”

(There are many things my Dad claimed he would never do in his WHOLE LIFE, this recent one just added to the ever-growing list).   But I digress here…

Anyway, poor Dad started his long trek to get the screwdriver and wrench, with his systolic pressure hovering at 200.

Referring to the Parking Nazi, my Mom calmly observed  “The man is an Ee-jit”.

This was the first time I’d heard Mom use the word “Ee-jit”, EVER.  Yet it was exactly what my friend had said earlier.

Both women had reached the same conclusion, independently, without ever having consulted each other.

Remarkable, when you think about it.

But the Parking Nazi still had another trick up his sleeve.

There was a fire hydrant in front of his house.  But it was an old hydrant, circa 1950’s style.  It seemed out of place, especially since we lived out in the country, and there probably wasn’t any municipal water.

One day, my buddies and I checked out the hydrant when he wasn’t looking.    We were able to jiggle it back and forth by about a  foot.   It was loosely planted in the ground.   For Chrissakes, it wasn’t even CONNECTED to any viable water supply.

Apparently the Parking Nazi had moved it there, in an attempt to discourage people from parking on the street in front of his house, either.   (I don’t know where he had gotten the energy or strength to haul this 500 pound piece of scrap-metal in place, but it looked like it had been there for years.   Probably still is…).

What an EE-JIT.

Though you gotta admire his tenacity!

Months later, as I got to know the guy, I figured out the mystery of his parking obsession.  I asked what was the deal with the gate.

He told me:  “I didn’t used to have one.   But everyone sees the river, and thinks it’s public property, and people come into my back yard and park there.   I got fed up, so I put up the gate”.

Then I enquired about a municipal sign on his driveway, with his last name on it.

“Oh, THAT…I used to work for the city.   They boys at work made up that street sign for me as a retirement gift”.

So, let me get this straight:   You post what looks like a legitimate MUNICIPAL STREET SIGN on a lane-way, making it look like a public road.   And then you WONDER why people DRIVE UP TO YOUR PROPERTY?

Of course, you couldn’t tell him this.

Nobody could.

(Sigh).

Well…no one said Ee-jits were supposed to be smart, did they?

Advertisements
Explore posts in the same categories: Small Town Ontario

Tags: , , , , ,

You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.

26 Comments on “The Parking Nazi”

  1. Karen JL Says:

    Of course you realize I’m reading “ee-jit” with a Bugs Bunny voice in my head.

    I got nothing else.

    That rocked. 🙂

  2. Writer Dad Says:

    We had a guy like that in our little complex. We weren’t allowed to have friends park in the community parking lot. They had to park outside the complex and walk in. He’d actually knock on our door and tell our friends to move, even though there would only be two cars, with room for twelve. He was crazy though, and had no authority. So we just laughed at him.


  3. Sounds like this guy has some “issues,” Friar. Glad you moved away from him!

    When I lived in Boston, people would get militant about their on-street parking spaces — especially during a snow storm. They would shovel out their cars and then leave a placeholder (orange cone, folding chair, recycle bin, small child) to deter others from “stealing” their hard-earned spot (which they legally had no claim to; it was on a public street). It got ugly, I’ll tell you that. I’m glad we in the ‘burbs now with a driveway a and garage.

  4. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Another Bugs Bunny quote comes to mind: “What a maroon!” 🙂

    @Writer Dad
    Let me guess….was this guy at your building complex OLD?

    (The Parking Nazi was…well into his 70’s). (Big surprise, there!).

  5. Sal Says:

    I would have to agree with the general consensus at this point. The man is definately off his rocker. Well, how does it go…If you don’t know, I’m not gonna tell you.

  6. Friar Says:

    @Rebecca

    Ugh. I remember parking like that in Hamilton Ontario. We hardly ever got snow, but when we did, it was chaos, and the city couldn’t handle it. The streets were a total mess and it was mob rule, with parking spots and such.

    @Sal

    On, the man was really a wing-nut. But despite the parking, he was really friendly and liked me otherwise (But yes, he DID have issues…I won’t even talk to you about what he thinks about cats and pets).

    The one redeeming quality was that I got to to live right next to the St. Lawrence River, with Canada geese and and foxes and deer, and a canoe in my back yard. It was like being at a cottage, but year-round.

  7. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Pardon me, I couldn’t laugh, because I was cringing with recognition.

    Small-minded control freaks are everywhere. It makes them feel important… as opposed to impotent, which is what they fear they are in their deepest heart.

    Because, they are.

    Sad, that they don’t understand they are the cause of so much of what pisses them off. People treat you badly and you think it’s “the world today” causing it? It’s you, buddy.

    Boy, it must have been tough to leave that spot, ee-jit or no. Sounds like a dream.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  8. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Oh, the Parking Nazi was a control freak, all right. He had a couple of acres of land and he treated it like his Kingdom.

    It also pissed him off that CATS would have the nerve to walk across his yard. He set out traps (humane ones, at least). (That was before my time, lucky I didn’t have to witness that).

    What an Ee-jit.

    But it was still great to live there. Two of my best summers ever. (That’s where my “Goose Report” came from).

    Though my work contract didnt’ get extended, I had to move. The day I left, I almost felt like crying.

    I dont’ think I’ll ever find an affordable place to rent like that again! 😦

  9. Karen Swim Says:

    Poor guy. How sad to waste so much time seeking to exert control over the unimportant. Takes so much time away from actually living and enjoying life.

  10. Brett Legree Says:

    When I was at university, I used to park on one of the streets right across from the main entrance, past the copy shop (Friar, you’ll know roughly where I mean).

    I parked way at the end, as the parking wasn’t regulated there – anything closer than a 15 minute walk was signed for parking times, but not that far out.

    I always parked under a big tree in front of this old guy’s house. One day, the old guy gave me crap because I was parking under “his” tree.

    I said, “but it’s public parking on the street!”

    I had no time to move my car, I was late for class.

    About 3 months later, there were NO PARKING signs right in front of this guy’s house. Just for the one spot.

    I kid you not.

    This guy must have been the Parking Nazi’s brother…

  11. Steph Says:

    Okay, I have to say, I got pretty frustrated when I was reading about this rulemonger. BUT, at the same time, I felt a bit sorry for him. I understand that territorial tendency, and I needs lots of space. I guess he was the same way you felt, that the property was too lovely to move away from, in spite of the fact that he woudl have been much better off without neighbours. Plus, old people, like my doozy of a neighbour across the street refuse to move. It’s the young whippersnappers who should leave (she’s even trying to convince them), not her. She was here first, after all.

    Oh, you wouldn’t believe this woman! She called me the other day to tell me there was a dead squirrel on the road, and you know, she thought I should know so when I walk Lucy I won’t accidentally step on it. She condemned the neighbour for half an hour for leaving at his curb when he should have picked it up and thrown it out. she’d pop out her front door to warn anyone going by (she was watching at her kitchen sink, as she always does, she tells me.) She ended up calling the city to get it removed.

    She calls the city for everything, about debris, the drain in front of her driveway, people’s dogs, the tree in the neighbour’s backyard, etc. She tells me all the rules about parking on the street, and how people are not going to be able to park there from Oct. to April. She asked the neighbour to cut down his tree because it was so huge. She told the neighbour down the street that his bigass trailer in his driveway was blocking her view. She knows everyone and everything. yesterday she called over the cable guy who was working across the street to chat with him. She asks Colin what he’s doing when he’s out in the yard, or what he was talking about with someone who stops by.

    Oh, she’s quite the character. Have you met Angela, everyone says? And of course, everyone has. the day we moved in she stuck a card in our mailbox introducing herself and giving us her phone number and saying we should give her ours, just in case. She walks around this mostly very quiet and secluded street like she owns the place. It bothers her if people walk in the middle of the road. She goes to people’s mailboxes picking out papers and depositing papers (we get her Wheels and Travel section, because she doesn’t want to recycle it!!)

    Okay, enough. I just can’t help it sometimes. She crowds an otherwise private street, and I try to avoid her at all costs. I too build an invisible gate and a wide boundary around my home. had we money, we’d have no neighbours. But we do love this house and we’re so lucky to have a nice location with a deadend street and a forest and field behind us.

  12. Steph Says:

    Whoo! Sorry about all those mistakes.

    I’m off-duty.

  13. Rita Says:

    Friar,

    You couldn’t have guests, family, friends at your own home? This guy IS an EE-JIT!

    Jeez.

    Rita


  14. Oh god, I lived with an ee-jit. We had a shared driveway and every single day when we pulled into the drive he would analyze exactly how close to the invisible dividing line our neighbours were. And every single day he would rant about the ‘lack of respect’ our neighbours had for personal property. I dreaded going home. And obviously for more reasons than this nightly parking rant. Sigh. Thanks for triggering me, Friar. Thank god it’s Friday and there’s a nice bottle of wine at home and a very non ee-jit, sexy Frenchman.


  15. This guy should have married my husband’s ex-neighbor the witch from Oz. She would sit in her driveway of her townhouse, smoke a pack of cigs, read her paperback novel, and complain about having no privacy and have something to rag about every neighbor and passerby that came along.

    HELLO??? You live in a TOWNHOUSE!!! If you want Privacy…MOVE!!!

  16. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Notice the trend here…?….how it’s OLD PEOPLE who seem to act this way?

    They’ve had their entire lifetimes to learn to be nice and get along with everyone, but after 75 years, they STILL haven’t figured it out. Pretty sad.

    We had an old guy like that when I lived on Royal Avenue. There were painted lines in front of his house, and he’d call the cops the SECOND someone parked there. He needed that space free in case people visited him, like his son.

    But he was such a miserable old man, he rarely got any visitors.

    My friends took pity, and one winter day, they shovelled his walk after a big snowstorm.

    Was he greatful?

    No…he proceeded to give them SHIT for getting snow on his yard!

  17. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Well….I dunno. There was a m ean streak in this guy (not just about parking). I found it hard to feel sorry for him. It obviously took a whole lifetime to practice being this way.

    You make your bed, you sleep in it.

  18. Friar Says:

    @Steph
    OMG! Neighbour from Hell! I’m getting annoyed just READING about this! 🙂

    Good thing the lady is old…if she was 25 and acted this way, someone would probably punch her lights out.

    Why don’t these people VOLUNTEER or do something else with their obviously ample amounts of free time?

    It’s sad…just sad.

    @Rita
    Oh, I was allowed to have guests over.

    Just that they weren’t allowed to park at the house (where there was ample room).

    It had to be on the street, up the road. Several hundred yards walk.

    It was really fun, when my buddies came over for a fishing weekend. They had all their sleeping bags, beer, fishing gear….and they had to do multiple trips back and forth at midnight.

    Ee-jit.

    @Urban Panther
    Heh. Sounds like this person who’s just BEGGING for the kids to egg her house on Halloween.

    And she’d deserve it! 😉

    @Wendi

    ..or better yet, tell that old bat to READ INSIDE.

    That’s the problem with apartments and townhouses. (I used to live in one). You get all kinds of people…includign wing-nuts like that witch you mention.

  19. Steph Says:

    Hmmm. What makes so many old people like this? Is mine like this because she kicked her husband out 35 years ago (oh, yes, I heard the whole story one day when she dragged me into her house to give me a tour) and has remained alone since?

    The thing is, she must have some sense of humour. Her licence plate says Ole Dog.

    I have to stop talking about her. There’s too much to share and I hate the bitter feeling I get! Why do I even care? I guess because it infringes on my privacy. She always pops out of her door when she sees me, even if i’m just filling the fountain on the front porch. She has to pass by and tell everyone totally useless information, like where she’s going or just been. I just like to be left alone!

    Because she’s directly across from us, I always feel as though I need to stay away from the windows or door. I want to paint my front door, but I feel she’d be watching me and that she’d come out to comment! She came out and raised a stink when we cut down a tree on our lawn. I’m a treehugger but that one had to go. She was all like, ooh, are you sure that wasn’t a city tree? etc.

    Wait – didn’t I say I would stop??

  20. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    It ticks me off how society gives A-holes slack because they’re “Old”. I’m sorry, unless your mind is shot with Alzheimers, there’s NO excuse to act that way.

    I always have a problem handling toxic people like that. They walk all over you, and they don’t take a hint.

    Maybe you’ll have to sic Word Girl’s chimp on Old Dog…!

  21. Amy Derby Says:

    We have a parking nazi in the condo next to my apartment. He calls the police if someone parks in his lot, drives through his lot (to turn around/back out), if children ride their bikes through the lot, or if someone walks through the lot on the way to the train. I thank gods I don’t believe in that the man doesn’t have a gate.

  22. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    Oh, no! Not ANOTHER one? 😦

    I thought my experience was relatively unique, but after reading everyone’s comments, it seems everyone has experienced a Parking Nazi in their life, at one point or another.

  23. Evelyn Lim Says:

    The Parking Nazi sure sounded like he made life difficult for everyone! He is taking things too seriously! I’m glad that I don’t have a gatekeeper like that!

  24. Friar Says:

    @Evelyn Lim

    Well, he was ANNOYING, but not annoying enough to want to move. (Rent was cheap, and he plowed my driveway).

    It was still worth living there (at least, for the 18 months I was there).


  25. Friar,

    That’s what cracked me up…No privacy in your DRIVEWAY??? GO IN!

    She also used to complain to the managers that our dogs barked too much. ( She hated animals, said they were mean to her) She would call the manager every day and complain about something. They had a name for her that I won’t write here.

    So, we stareted turning on a tape recorder when we left to be sure they weren’t barking while we were gone. Our dogs were silent. The only thing you could hear was soft snoring from our male lab in the background and HER hammering pictures up on the wall next door.

  26. Friar Says:

    @Wendi
    Franklin Covey says “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”.

    But you know what? Sometimes I DON’T WANT TO UNDERSTAND. Not when it comes to psychos like your crabby ex-neighbor.

    Some people are determined to be miserable and make others miserable, no matter what. I swear, they seem to enjoy it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: