Life According to Archie Comics

Every teenage girl, regardless of their age, has the perfectly-proportioned body of a healthy 24-year old.

Furthermore, every girl is of identical height and weight, and displays the same mannerisms.  The only difference, really, is hair color.

Despite this,  teenage boys will avidly chase some girls, while totally disregarding others.

No one is ugly, except the one token Ugly Girl, who of course is tall and gangly, and has buck teeth.

If you’re rich and good-looking, you can get away with being a bitch.

It’s okay to be an abusive moron and routinely inflict aggravated assault your fellow classmates.  The teachers and authorities will say NOTHING, and your friends will find it amusing when you threaten them.

Physical injuries are routine events, and are no cause for alarm.  In fact, they’re actually considered funny, as the victim often deserved what was coming to them.

A typical school has exceptional athletic funding.  The football stadium and sports facilities rival those of most Ivy League colleges.

Females students only cheer-lead, or occasionally play ladies’ softball.

The entire athletic program only requires two coaches, who happen to be experts in every sport.

The best football player on the team happens to be the stupidest person in school (see: “abusive moron”).

All competitive sports are played by the same 10-15 boys, who all are in the same class and who all made the team.

There’s only one black guy in the whole school, who coincidentally, happens to be an excellent athlete.   He dates the only black girl.

By the way, chemistry labs always explode.

And if anyone paints artistically, it’s mandatory that they dress up in a beret with a loose smock and bow-tie.

Eating disorders are funny, provided you’re a dude, and you can stay skinny.

Principals always wear vests.

An entire high school can be taught by merely three (perhaps four) teachers.   They’re stuck with the same students every year, regardless of what grade they teach.

Teachers are single, lonely people, with no families or any outside interests of their own.

In fact, they are so desperate, they’ll even work as camp counselors during the summer, to hang out with the same students they’re supposedly taking a break from in the first place.


Fathers are huge fat-asses, who lounge in easy-chairs after work, reading the paper.   Mothers apparently don’t do anything, except hang around the house all day in an apron.

With the exception of the 3-4 school teachers mentioned above, every woman over 35 is a stay-at-home Mom, with no career.

Apparently, very few families have more than one child, and with very few exceptions, no one in town is under 18.  (What happened, was there a plague or something ?)

Despite a repeated history kidnappings, billionaire parents are morons, and will still send their kid to a regular school like everyone else.

Sex consists of smooching, and nothing else.

If you’re intelligent, you must be short, dorky, wear glasses and have issues with the opposite sex.

Finally, any teen-age problems can be solved by drinking sodas at a malt shop.  Anorexia, gender issues, racism, teen pregnancy, gangs, dope, under-age drinking, orthodontic braces, acne….NONE of these exist!

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30 Comments on “Life According to Archie Comics”

  1. Cath Lawson Says:

    LOL Friar – so true too, when you look at some of these magazines.

  2. Brett Legree Says:

    I think I want to go to Riverdale… 😉

  3. Friar Says:

    @Cath
    Yeah, I always liked to poke fun at Archie. But I still loved to read him as a kid. 🙂

    Ironically, though, Archie Comics, by default, are probably the most wholesome family-friendly comics out there right now (compared to what else is out there).

  4. Steph Says:

    Awww, I used to love Archie comics! I’d forgotten all about them till now. I always sympathized with poor Betty.

  5. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Well, you gotta admit…the “scenery” is nice. 😉

    Plus, Riverdale appears to be close to the beach with a warm temperate climate. The only snow you get is around Christmas time, (or in the huge skil hills close by).

    Where can I find a town like that?

  6. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    Oh, I still like Archie. (Even recently, I’d buy the Archie Digests for my niece, but not before I’d read them first!).

    Used to piss me off how Archie treated Betty like crap all the time. I wished that just ONCE, he’d have the COJONES to stand up to Veronica, and tell her to GET LOST, and take Betty to the dance instead.

    I used to have a crush on Betty. If I ever met someone like that in real life, I’d marry them in a second (the adult Betty, of course!) 🙂

  7. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    It must be California. Has to be California…

  8. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Yes…especially since they surf at the beach.


  9. Laughing re Brett’s comment… Yes, I was going to say that it sounds like normal life to me, here in California. *wink*

  10. Amy Derby Says:

    Hell. Now I’m kind of missing Archie comics. They’re fun to make fun of, but also very nostalgic for me. You know, like Eartha Kitt. LOL

  11. Friar Says:

    @ScreenWriting

    Yep….wherever Riverdale is..it’d DEFINITELY not in Canada!

    @Amy
    Well, you can read them every week, if you want (Like I do, in the line-up at the Supermarket!)

    PS Earth Kitt was great, but I always was partial to Julie Newmarr.

  12. Rita Says:

    Friar,

    Did you just bring back memories! Egads! I had 9 years worth of EVERY Archie comic (no blacks yet, as I recall) as well as the occasional “Digests” (figures, huh) from the ages of 7-16. Not ONE issue missing. (1967-1976). I also had over 5,500 baseball cards – we used to “flip” them – and trade them (I’d say from around 1966-1974). I had rookie cards in there that are now worth a bloody fortune.

    When I went off to college, the folks had a garage sale and, without my knowledge, sold off both sets of bags and boxes – for $25.00, which they thought was a “steal” for getting my “kid crap” out of the house, given that they were downsizing. I weep to this day when I think about this man, lying on his private island, sipping pina coladas while I blog away. We’re talking “mint” here – and I DON’T mean the Pina Coladas.

    How different my life would be today, but for that $25 my folks took in for the “idiot” who wanted my “junk.” They were so happy, they didn’t even try to negotiate for 30 bucks! WAHHHHH. 😦

    Rita

  13. Rita Says:

    BUT, I still hated Reggie more than my parents!

    Rita

  14. Friar Says:

    @Rita

    OOOOOoooh (I’m wincing, thinking of all those Archie Comics and baseball cards!).

    And Mint.

    TWENTY FIVE BUCKS…!!! Ouch!

    As for Reggie.

    Biggest. Asshole. Ever.

    At times, he’d almost appear human, and you’d almost start to like him. Then he’d pull some real asshole stunt again, and go right back to square one.

    He and Veronica deserved each other.

    (But at least he didn’t put people in the hospital, like Big Moose did).

  15. Rita Says:

    Friar,

    If the Archie comics started today, there would be NO Big Moose. He was a bully, and in this day and age, bullies are NOT PC. So so sad. 😦

    Rita

  16. Rita Says:

    Friar,

    Just read a comment of yours over at Kelly’s – I did an entire blog on using punch cards, and being in the punch card room! And – I STILL remember Fortran, though it doesn’t sit well on my resume any more…

    AND WHERE DID JOEY GO TO?

    Rita

  17. neyellen Says:

    Weird memories coming to mind: Scooby Doo, the Monkies. Jughead. What was up with Jughead? He was kind of like Shaggy. And what’s with that name? Shaggy. Ha!

    I like to picture odd combinations, like Velma and Freddie.

    Or here’s one: James Woods and Paris Hilton.

  18. Karen Swim Says:

    I still have a stack of Archie comics. It’s funny I knew Barbie and Cinderella were damaging little vixens but reading this it’s clear why so many women are at war with their bodies and looks. This stuff really screws kids up but is tame compared to today’s botxoed, implant cartoon hotties.

  19. Friar Says:

    @Ellen
    Jughead came first…25 years before Shaggy. Maybe Jughead was Shaggy’s role model.

    I wonder if Velma was a lesbian (or just a homely nerd, who couldn’t find the right guy). Freddy never seemed to have any interest in her.

    Paris Hilton…would she ever date a fossil like James Woods?

    @Rita
    Hahah! Fortran! Been there…done that! (Used it as recently as 1992).

    PS. Joey is around…but hey, it’s the weekend, you know. (I DO have other things I’m involved in). Was there a deadline? 😉

    @Karen
    Archie is quite tame by today’s standards. (His earlier comics in the 40’s and 50’s were actually a bit racier).

    Then there was a phase in the late 60’s early 70’s, when they put out of series of Christian-based Archie Comics (probably designed for Sunday school). But they werent’ really funny, just extremely goody-goody and preachy!

    Archie seems to still be kicking strong, today, if you check out the blogs.

  20. tes616 Says:

    also archiecomics the girls skirts EVERY girls skirts are short! like really short if i had a skirt that short in real life it would like hshow my but
    even when i wasnt bending over!!

  21. tes616 Says:

    also there is no fat people excwpt for like Mr. Weather bee and coach cleats!!!and pop tate! those are the only fat poeple

  22. Friar Says:

    @tes616

    I think Arhcie Comics are stuck in 1972, regarding shirt styles.

    As for fat people, you forgot Archie’s Dad and Mom. 😉

    But definitely, no fat teenagers. Their bodies are inter-changeable. The only difference is the head.

  23. tes616 Says:

    very ture
    it also bugs me how they are all so skinny ( the girls) and so pretty

  24. Friar Says:

    Yeah…there’s not ONE fat girl (or even a slighly plump one). They’re all perfect Barbie dolls.

    Even the one Token Ugly Chick (Big Ethel) is skinny.

  25. Count Says:

    I used to read Archie comics of the 60s, 70s and some Digests of the 80s, and it appears this entertaining blog missed a few things:

    Sexism, racism, ageism homelessness and even abuse of obese people were dealt with in the pages of Archie Comics. Even the draft (Vietnam era) was covered as well as a few issues featuring clearly predatory “Deliverance” type hillbillies attempting to have their way with the lead females (usually the more serious subjects were covered in “Life with Archie”).

    Of course, most of this relevant content (particularly racism/war) was published when they were daily front page, hot button issues in America–the 60s and 70s, so Archie and the gang were not some highly idealized Disneyland as they might seem today.

    Let’s not forget that the teens not only had time for school, chores and have an active touring/recording rock band in The Archies, but during the 60s, they had time to fight super-villains as Pureheart the Powerful (Archie), Captain Hero (Jughead), Superteen (Betty) and Evilheart (Reggie). As if their schedules were not busy enough, the main teens also fought international espionage & general Cold War threats–led by Archie as “The Man from R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E.”

    For some reason, the teens have all suffered mass amnesia, since their exploits as superheroes and spies were completely forgotten by 1970. Unlke the prehistoic “Archie the First” and the running Star Trek satire seen in 1970s issues of “Life with Archie,” no one ever said the superhero and spy stories were *ahem* imaginary, and not actual parts of the standard AC continuity.

    Hey….wait a second. In standard continuity, The Archies recorded the real-world hit “Sugar, Sugar” (and other songs) which was recognized as a hit in the comics. After initinal payments, royalties, etc. The Archies should have more money than Mr. Lodge! Why are they still middle class (well, except Veronica & Reggie) instead of flying on party planes, drving cars into swimming pools and tossing TVs out of hotel windows?

    P.S. I support Jughead running away from Ethel as though she was the Devil himself.

  26. Friar Says:

    @Count

    Wow…you really know your Archie! 🙂

    OMG!! I forgot Pureheart the Powerful! (And all Archie’s pals were superheros too!) WHAT are the odds?

    And “Life with Archie”. Sigh. Whenever I saw that issue, I knew it would be “serious” comic dealing with a “relevant” social issue. Not exactyly my favorites.

    And then in the late 60’s, 70’s, there were those “Christian” Archie Comics that they let you read in Sunday School. Where Achrie and the Gang’s behaviour was conisderably toned done from their regular shenanigans. Betty talks a lot about loving God (instead of trying to chase Archie and make out with him!)

    What about Little Archie? There also seems to be a gap in the continuity. Shouldn’t the timeline be be Archie from 15 years ago?

    But some episodes seem to take place today…like Archie and his younger self co-exist in parellel universes (in which the older Mr. Weatherbee and Ms. Grundy both live in!)

  27. mark Says:

    Didn’t Archie and Jughead get drafted into the Vietnam war? How’d they get outta that one? Canada?

  28. Paigea Says:

    This has always been what i thought!! You are very clever!

  29. Kim Says:

    HAH! This page rocks! THANK YOU. (:

  30. LuLu Says:

    Rotfl nice


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