Life According to Archie Comics

Every teenage girl, regardless of their age, has the perfectly-proportioned body of a healthy 24-year old.

Furthermore, every girl is of identical height and weight, and displays the same mannerisms.  The only difference, really, is hair color.

Despite this,  teenage boys will avidly chase some girls, while totally disregarding others.

No one is ugly, except the one token Ugly Girl, who of course is tall and gangly, and has buck teeth.

If you’re rich and good-looking, you can get away with being a bitch.

It’s okay to be an abusive moron and routinely inflict aggravated assault your fellow classmates.  The teachers and authorities will say NOTHING, and your friends will find it amusing when you threaten them.

Physical injuries are routine events, and are no cause for alarm.  In fact, they’re actually considered funny, as the victim often deserved what was coming to them.

A typical school has exceptional athletic funding.  The football stadium and sports facilities rival those of most Ivy League colleges.

Females students only cheer-lead, or occasionally play ladies’ softball.

The entire athletic program only requires two coaches, who happen to be experts in every sport.

The best football player on the team happens to be the stupidest person in school (see: “abusive moron”).

All competitive sports are played by the same 10-15 boys, who all are in the same class and who all made the team.

There’s only one black guy in the whole school, who coincidentally, happens to be an excellent athlete.   He dates the only black girl.

By the way, chemistry labs always explode.

And if anyone paints artistically, it’s mandatory that they dress up in a beret with a loose smock and bow-tie.

Eating disorders are funny, provided you’re a dude, and you can stay skinny.

Principals always wear vests.

An entire high school can be taught by merely three (perhaps four) teachers.   They’re stuck with the same students every year, regardless of what grade they teach.

Teachers are single, lonely people, with no families or any outside interests of their own.

In fact, they are so desperate, they’ll even work as camp counselors during the summer, to hang out with the same students they’re supposedly taking a break from in the first place.

Fathers are huge fat-asses, who lounge in easy-chairs after work, reading the paper.   Mothers apparently don’t do anything, except hang around the house all day in an apron.

With the exception of the 3-4 school teachers mentioned above, every woman over 35 is a stay-at-home Mom, with no career.

Apparently, very few families have more than one child, and with very few exceptions, no one in town is under 18.  (What happened, was there a plague or something ?)

Despite a repeated history kidnappings, billionaire parents are morons, and will still send their kid to a regular school like everyone else.

Sex consists of smooching, and nothing else.

If you’re intelligent, you must be short, dorky, wear glasses and have issues with the opposite sex.

Finally, any teen-age problems can be solved by drinking sodas at a malt shop.  Anorexia, gender issues, racism, teen pregnancy, gangs, dope, under-age drinking, orthodontic braces, acne….NONE of these exist!

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Tags: archie comics, betty and veronica, big moose, dilton doiley, funny, humor, jughead, rant

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