Other Wishes I’d ask a Genie to Grant Me.
If a genie were to grant us three wishes, what would most of us ask for? Typically, we’d go for the high-priority stuff: 50 bazillion dollars. Health. Happiness. World Peace…etc.
But what if the Genie granted us more wishes? (Say, FIFTY?). Then we could afford to be a bit more cavalier with our choices.
Here’s what extra stuff I’d ask for (though NOT necessarily in this order):
**********************************
Re-arrange the Earth’s Geology
Move all the oil reserves from the Middle East, and plunk them right under North America. Now, we don’t have to deal with all those whacked-out countries anymore. And I can drive my SUV and feel less guilty about it.
An eternally clean bum
We primates may one of the more intelligent species on the planet, but our derrieres are certainly NOT designed to stay clean after a Number Two.
I’m jealous of my sister’s dog, Tipper. Despite all her fur, she can take a crap, and afterwards, her arse is perfectly clean. No mess, no cling-one, nothing. Wouldn’t it be great, if we humans could do that?
Imagine, never having to wipe again. And not needing to.
Eat all I want
But my cholesterol would be okay. (And I’d still have a perfect body like that guy on those asshole Bowflex commercials.)
The pefect soul-mate
Who’s intelligent, has a sense of humor, loves animals, is a gourmet chef, is good in bed, etc.. (And who’d also have a perfect body like that Barbie-doll on those asshole Bowflex commercials.)
Most people start to hate the water
Beachfront property will be considered 2nd-rate. Prime real-estate will now be around the cornfields of Nebraska. Then I could have all the lakes and coast-lines all to myself.
An Iron-Clad Bladder
You know that feeling you have, when you’re so perfectly COMFORTABLE in a warm bed, but you have to get up to go to the bathroom.? Geez, I HATE that…!
Wish I could turn off the bladder-response trigger, and postpone it for a few hours. And only go when I WANT to…not when I NEED to.
Fisherman start liking Bottom-Feeders
Everyone goes after catfish and carp. Speckled trout and walleye are plentiful everywhere, because they’re considered “garbage fish” and nobody wants them.
A Carnivore Garden
Where you can grow pizza and cheesburgers, right off the vine. Instead of lame-ass legumes and vegetables.
A Beatles Re-union
George and John arent’ really dead. They just staged it, because they were getting sick of being celebrities and wanted some time to themselves. Now they’re ready to re-unite with Paul and Ringo, to make another album, which will be even BETTER than all the others.
Transplant a few of the Rocky Mountains
Take 10-12 peaks from Alberta (they wont’ miss ’em), and plop them down in Ontario somewhere. Only to make our geography more interesting, and give us some decent ski hills for a change.
Human fertility drops
There’s a harmless virus going around, which only affects the reproductive system. People can still have kids, just that it takes a bit longer andmore attmepts. Nobody’s hurt or dies, but the planet population stabiltiizes down to sustainable levels.
The onset of an Ice-Age
Just enough, so that it perfectly offsets “Global Warming” , and now the planet’s temperature is juuuuust right.
Oh, and also, when Al Gore wants to spread his Gospel of the Inconvenient Truth, he’s forced to drive around a 1991 Honda Civic, instead of using his Gulfstream Jet.
People lose interest in Nature
They’ll be so busy with Face-Book and Twitter and such, no one goes outside The National Parks will be uncrowded, back to the way they were in the 1930s. Finding a campsite or uncrowded hiking trails is never a problem any more.
George Bush gets the Nobel Peace Prize
Only for my own entertainment puposes. Imagine the uproar.
Tags: humor, rant, Three wishes
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The Deep Friar 
August 9, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Oooh, fun…I may need to…erm…borrow…this idea. Yeah…borrow…ahem.
I like the way you think, Friar.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
August 9, 2009 at 2:03 pm
@Kyddryn
Feel free to beg, borrow, or steal, as you see fit. Blogo-Land belongs to everyone.
August 9, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I’d wish for an alcohol-proof liver.
This constant state of sobriety really sucks.
August 9, 2009 at 6:52 pm
An Iron-Clad Bladder — Oh, I’ll second THAT one. When I’m camping, I refuse to drink anything after 9 pm cause there’s NO way I’m crawling out of the sleeping bag and trekking to the john with a flashlight at 3 am. If I DO drink something after 9 pm (and it USUALLY happens… sigh… [did I just contradict myself?], I have to wait up for the pee signal.
And as for the Rockies transplant…? Sorry, you’re dreaming buddy 😉
August 9, 2009 at 7:07 pm
All the screw nails and screwdrivers in the world to be Robertson. Not just because it is a Canadian invention but because Philips and Slots just suck.
August 9, 2009 at 8:40 pm
@Captain
I’d be happy enough with hangover-free alcohol.
@Davina
How about WINTER camping, when it’s minus 30C. Pee breaks in the middle of the night are even worse.
And dont’ be so gosh-darned selfish with your mountains. Give us a few, over here in Ontario. Even some of the foothills would be okay.
@Canadian Army Wife
It sure would be helpful to only need one set of screwdrivers (and not THREE).
How often do Phillips get stripped? Pretty much ALWAYS. (especially if the screws are made-in-China cheap alloys).
August 9, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Well done Friar,
I could do without the beatles reunion but the carnivore garden is stroke of brilliance. And you’ll get no arguement from me on the others.
All the best
DOn
August 10, 2009 at 12:32 am
@Don
I can understand your generation not really getting into the Beatles. But you see, I grew up in the 70’s, so for many folks like me, we find the Fab Four reasonably tolerable.
You’d be surprised, though, that their music isn’t all that bad. Some Easy-Listening FM stations play soft instrumental versions of their songs (without the “yeah yeah” singing). And it’s quite suitable listening for Seniors.
Always glad to have you drop by.
Friar
August 10, 2009 at 6:55 am
Friar,
I roared with laughter. Jeez, when you decide to write a “shallow” piece of satire, you really go all the way. Bowflex abs killed me, but wanting the icky Bowflex Barbie too made me fall right off my chair. The rest was icing on the cynical cake.
You know what I love? How we’re so evolved and all, and yet it’s true, we all have stuff like this that we’d ask a genie.
I’m not saying a word about mine. Just laughing and walking away!
Regards,
Kelly
August 10, 2009 at 9:09 am
@Kelly
I willing to bet, dollars to donuts, that you secretly agree with at least a FEW of my wishes. 😉
August 10, 2009 at 10:04 am
You bastard. Now you’ll have me lamenting all day that there isn’t really said genie.
Damn you!
August 10, 2009 at 10:09 am
I’d ask:
-For my long hair back.
-To be a famous author and to never run out of ideas for stories
-Perfect health
-Endless shitloads of money
-To live somewhere else than in this elephant’s arsehole, and in my dream home, no less. By water.
-To never have to work again
-To have a chef cook for me
-To never have to exercise, only to exercise because I enjoy it
-While I’m at it, to be invincible, impossibly strong and fast and indestructible.
-To always have enough time in the day to do what I want
-To be excellent at everything
Hmmm, I could go on. But now I’m making myself miserable that I’m only human.
August 10, 2009 at 10:22 am
Friar,
To eat all I want and still have muscles like the Bowflex Barbie.
I’m shallow like that. 😉
My carnivore garden would have prime rib and Irish stew hanging off the trees. Since I can eat anything I want…
Until later,
Kelly
August 10, 2009 at 11:05 am
Right now, I’d ask for a bag of Cheesy Poofs.
And a pint of Guinness.
August 10, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I’d love to go to a Beatles concert. But in a teeny little out-of-the-way club that only holds about 20 people. That would be cool. Also, I think if you stopped eating all that fibre and vegetable matter your poop would be good and hard and there would be no need to wipe.
August 10, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I wish that Frair would write a funny fucking blog post for a change. Maybe with some cartoons of vikings and shit.
Next you’ll be writing about Star Trek and how it changed your life. That’s the bottom of the barrel.
Its been a nice arc, but now I fear we are bracing for final impact.
Eyeteaguy
August 10, 2009 at 5:57 pm
@Steph
At least you’re guaranteed to achieve your first wish (if you just wait and do nothing).
@Kelly
Oooh…Prime rib and beef stew. You’re MY kind of gardener.
@Brett
I love Cheesy Poofs. You love Cheesy Poofs.
If we didn’t eat Cheesy Poofs, we’d be LAME.
@XUP
Interesting theory about eating fiber. But I don’t eat very much and I STILL have to usethe TP.
Maybe I should eliminate it altogether, and try it out.
@Eyeteaguy
Sorry to let you down, for not writing enough funny posts.
In the future, I’ll strive to be as prolific as you are.
August 10, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Friar,
And in my starch-orchard next door I’m growing poutine and pasta and baguettes and bagels…
Get that genie down here. I gotta get working on this.
August 10, 2009 at 6:14 pm
@Kelly
Hahah! You got hooked on poutine, didn’t you?
Even Friar’ Mom (who is the most sensible eater on the planet) will get the occasional craving for it.
Getting back to a healthy garden: it should have all four basic Food Groups: Sugar, salt, caffeine and grease.
August 10, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Friar,
You forgot chocolate. That’s in the new food pyramid. 😉
I just want someone to explain to me how the Quebeçois invented potato bliss when clearly that should have been invented by the Irish. ‘Taint right, I tell you.
I need this genie just for eating poutine. He’d have to work mighty hard to keep a steady diet of taters and gravy and melty cheesiness from showing on the hips. Mmmm…
August 10, 2009 at 6:43 pm
@Kelly
Chocolate = Sugar + Grease + Caffeine.
There’s the cocoa part, but that’s a vitamin, not an essential food group.
You know what’s funny, is Poutine only came out relatively recently. I only remember starting to see it in the early 80’s.
August 10, 2009 at 6:53 pm
You know, chocolate doesn’t sound quite as romantic or delicious when you put it that way. Hm.
Didn’t realize poutine might be recent, so I had to go check that out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poutine
I was hoping to find out it was a French-Irish person who invented it, but prob’ly not. Darn.
Later…
August 10, 2009 at 6:53 pm
@ Friar and Kelly – I’m 38, and the frite stands were here when I was born… Secret delights in the Garden of Allah.
Reminds me of Don Henley. Now I want a new car. A bavarian one.
August 10, 2009 at 7:55 pm
@James
I remember Frite stands since I was a kid…but we moved to Ottawa in ’79. I remember getting Poutine in Gatineau shortly after that.
Turns out it was first invented in ’57. http://www.montrealpoutine.com/history.html
August 10, 2009 at 7:58 pm
@Kelly
Damn…that wikipedia link is making me hungry.
The truck-stop down the road has “Trucker’s Poutine”. A huge artery-clogging plate of the stuff, for nine bucks. With a bunch of cooked hamburger thrown in.
I ate it. Once.
That was enough.
August 10, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Hot DAMN! I want some poutine now.
August 10, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Friar,
What I love about those links is that they both talk about getting poutine-ish stuff down here in NY and NJ. “Disco fries.” Hmpf. I’ve been all over both states and believe me, I’ve been around a few discos in my day (lordy that makes me sound old) and nearby diners, but I’ve never seen anything ‘cept our usual fries with gravy.
Which I used to think was heaven until Québec spoiled me. Tabernac!
Later. Genie’s working on getting me that soulmate now. Must go help with the wish-list. 😀
August 10, 2009 at 10:49 pm
You don’t need a genie if you want to eat poutine all the time.
Just get a job in a coal mine, without power tools.
August 10, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Camping at -30… Brrrrr… that would take some getting used to. A REALLY good fire, some red wine and something to do like snowshoeing to keep warm might help. I’ve been meaning to get a really good sleeping bag to see how I’d fair, but not sure if camping is even in the cards for me this year. Boo hoo.
August 11, 2009 at 1:41 am
Friar darlin’, I ganked your post and mangled it entirely – thanks for the fodder!
In addition to the carnivore’s garden (mine has rib-eye vines, because why not?), I wanted a baked goods garden…because I love to bake, but who wouldn’t like to just reach out and pluck a brownie from a bush??
Thanks again!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
August 11, 2009 at 7:30 am
Brett,
Here in “Land of 1,000 malls” we do not have coal mines.
I could work in an American Eagle and do all the math in my head—would that work?
😉
August 11, 2009 at 7:47 am
@Karen
Yeah…now I want some TOO. Grrr. (And our town is too stupid to have a chip wagon!)
Kelly
The best authentic poutine comes from ugly old vans converted to chip wagons, at a busy intersection. You’ll especially know it’s a good chip wagon, from the poorly-drawn cartoon characters (i.e. Tweety and Sylvester) hand-painted on the outside.
@Brett
…or, be a Viking.
Bet you if they had poutine, they’d have settled North America (not just the tip of Newfoundland) and they’d have STAYED here.
@Kyddryn
I think it’s a cruel trick from Nature, that fruits and vegetables are the only foods that grow naturally. And everything we CRAVE, is hard to get and needs special effort to prepare.
@Davina
Camping at minus 30C. Been there. Done that. Like the Trucker’s poutine, it’s something I did…ONCE, and that was enough.
I don’t recommend it..unless you’re out on a testosterone weekend with guys…or a masochist.
@Kely
Where we live, it’s the Land of ONE Mall, within a 40-mile radius. And it’s a 45 minute drive.
August 11, 2009 at 8:07 am
Friar,
Funny I saw no ugly vans with comics on them where I was. Now I’ll have to go back and look around more closely.
One mall, LOL! There’s a strip mall in the front yard of my apartment complex. It’s small, the other apartment buildings block the view of it for me. There’s a big mall across the street—I can see it from my front windows. And there’s a bigger one behind the complex and around the block, on a street lined for miles with more and more shopping centers. When I first moved here I used to hate it but oh, convenience is seductive!
The funny thing is, Delaware isn’t nearly as thick with ’em as New Jersey. But from Boston to D.C., things have grown up so much, you never lack for places to drop cash.
When I go to visit my parents and the nearest mall is over half an hour away, I have withdrawal symptoms. *shivers*
Later,
Kelly
August 11, 2009 at 1:31 pm
How about instead of rearranging the Earth’s geology, we find a ‘miracle’ environmentally friendly energy source that has no downsides and works 100% well?
One can dream right?
I completely agree about wishing to drop human fertility. It would be great if there was a harmless virus that prevented people from having more than two kids.
August 11, 2009 at 5:13 pm
@Hannah
That’s a better wish, for the good of the planet. (But I think mine’s funnier! 😉
Though, it would be nice to see them harness fusion power and make it commercially available. That would pretty much solve everything.
August 11, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Dear Friar,
Please send Bowflex. Thanks.
Best Wishes,
Mer 😉
P.S. Don’t you know where Tipper’s mouth has been?
P.P.S. @ Brett. Move over and share your Cheesy Poofs. By the way, do you have any more Guiness? (I brought dessert. I hope you like chocolate.)
P.P.P.S. @ Friar again. I forgot. I need a passport and a ticket. I always wanted to see Canada! 😀
* * *
I would wish
… to have a beach with ocean in the front yard and a mountain range in the back.
… to eat all the food I love and never gain a pound.
… to afford the food I want to eat.
… to do away with allergies and pollution so that breathing becomes an option. 😀
… a poutine in every pot. Or a chicken. Or a rib eye. Take your pick.
… C H O C O L A T E with my coffee. In a croissant would be nice.
… to own a Weimeraner again.
… to do away with 100+ degree weather.
… to be able to see all the bands I love (and missed) in concert.
… that thing steph had with being an author and such.
… a little cabin in the woods.
… to have enough money to live on and have a pleasant life.
… a Bowflex would be nice, too.
… for cheap, clean energy.
… a horse to ride–one that doesn’t poop. Now there’s your clean energy!
* * *
Of course, I came up with a new invention today so I may not need my list. Darn it, someone grabbed a patent on it! In 1995. ;p
August 11, 2009 at 7:07 pm
I wish my boss would go away…. no scratch that.
I wish my boss would lose my phone number…. no scratch that.
I wish my boss’s computer, email, BlackBerry would always work, never need an upgrade and the Internet/cell coverage would be universal.
Yeah, that’s the one.
August 11, 2009 at 8:34 pm
@Mer
Tipper’s mouth is very clean (At least I tell myself that, when she tries to give me doggie-kisses)
I never said I wanted a Bowflex, though. I just WANTED a body like those Bowflex knobs (without having to work for it).
If you want to do away with 100+ weather, come up here. (Hell, we’re lucky to have 75+ weather, THIS summer!)
@Eyeteaguy
How about a job that pays the same, but doesn’t require you to be on-call and carry a cell-phone?
Better yet, how about a job that pays the same, but you don’t have to do ANYTHING (like even show up) ?
Kinda like Tyler Durden suggested to his boss, in Fight Club.
August 11, 2009 at 8:48 pm
World domination. Just in my field, of course. Eyeteaguy can have world domination in eye tea. 😉
Plus that dude-o’-me-dreams.
And a poutine shack in the mall across the street.
And the Flyers bring the Stanley Cup a little closer…
Is that too much to ask?
August 11, 2009 at 10:13 pm
I wish I knew how to clear my laptop’s browser cache.
August 11, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Beatles reunion YES!!!!!!!!!
August 11, 2009 at 10:43 pm
@Kelly
World domination? heh heh. You remind me of Pinky and the Brain.
“What do you want to do tomorrow night, Brain?”
“Same thing as we do every night…try to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
@Friar’s Seestor
I dunno how to do that…but I bet you Eyeteaguy would.
(After all, he’s an Eye Tea guy!)
@Elizabeth
I was born in 64….The Beatles broke up when I was in kindergarten. I really didn’t “discover” them till I was 15. I kinda feel ripped off that I missed them in their prime…hence my wish to the genie.
Funny, though…how nobody says John Lennon is still alive (like they do with Elvis).
August 11, 2009 at 11:46 pm
@ Friar
It was a joke based on your post. I guess you had to be there. I mean, here.
August 11, 2009 at 11:48 pm
@Mer
Oh, don’t mind me. After a full day’s work, my brain cells are atrophied and dying. (I think I musta wrote about that last week, or somethin’ )
August 12, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Hi Frair,
I love the idea of more than 3 wishes – that has always sounded so limiting.
Re: the mountains. I’ll send you some from Oregon. They’re not the rockies, but the skiing is great. Or better yet, maybe we can find a way to clone them.
August 12, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@ Friar
Oh, that’s all right. I thought I was being witty, but had probably been out in the heat too long yesterday.
Mer
August 12, 2009 at 5:29 pm
@Barbara
Not only that….but have you noticed, in almost every story, the genie is a mean bastard? He gives people EXACTLY what they wish for, but there’s some kind of caveat…they end up unhappy and miserable, and use up their remaining wishes to get back to the way things were.
He just MESSES with people, It’s a Big Morality Play, and when it’s all said and done, his victims are no better off than before.
That’s why I think you need more than three wishes. To take care of the loopholes that asshole genies come up with.
@Mer
We have heat today…for the first time in…weeks (Months?). It’s not that hot, really…low 80’s. But it feels like a furnace outside, we’re so not used to it.
But that’s okay…you’re still witty. 😉
August 12, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Friar,
The heat wave broke here today.
It’s only 94°.
😦
Mer,
I know I should know this, but I’ve forgotten—where are you, sweltering away?
August 12, 2009 at 5:43 pm
@Kelly
Seriously, this is the hottest day we’ve had in a month. It’s 81F.
There’s a tree outside my office window, and it’s starting to turn yellow. More so every day.
August 12, 2009 at 5:54 pm
And that, dear Friar, is the difference between there and here.
This is the coldest day all week.
August 15, 2009 at 6:03 pm
@ Kelly
I’m sorry I didn’t answer you. A whole bunch of replies went into my Junk Mail folder. I don’t know why because they’re FILTERED and are supposed to go into Friar’s folder. I don’t what’s up with Outlook these days. Maybe I’m killing it.
Anyhow, I live in Davis, California. It’s about 20 miles west of Sacramento. Not as hot as Redding or Modesto, but plenty hot. Sort of like desert conditions. We did have a little cold spell yesterday: it was 88.
@ Friar
I’d love 75+ weather. Not as high as 85, but 75 sounds glorious.
Mer
August 15, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Mer,
Then you must get the old “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” thing from people who think your 88 is better than their 88.
Of course, since I have all the humidity you could ask for here… I’d probably be in that camp, LOL. 96° and completely sticky again today. But… I should count my blessings, because in truth it has been a much cooler summer than usual.
Later,
Kelly
August 15, 2009 at 8:34 pm
We had 95 today. ;p
Honestly, I don’t know how anyone survived before a/c. I might have been in the shower all summer. And believe me, I would never get out!
July 19, 2012 at 4:25 pm
my hair to grow
my dad can get his house soon
i can have a good life