Archive for November 2011

More Beloved Childhood Stories That Would Traumatize Today’s Kids

November 30, 2011

From the “Tall Book of Nursery Tales”.

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The Little Red Hen and the Fox

Synopsis

The Big Black Fox is hungry.  His mother tells him there’s nothing to eat.  So he decides he’s going to go out and catch the Little Red Hen.

Long story short, the fox catches the hen, and stuffs her into his sack.   Then he stops and takes a nap.   In the mean time, the hen escapes,  and finds a big rock and puts it into the sack in her place.

When he gets home, his Mother has a big pot of boiling water ready to cook the hen.    The fox dumps the contents of his sack into the cauldron and…

…SPLASH!!!   Scalding water all over the place, including the foxes!

“Never again did they bother the little Red Hen…”

No, I guess NOT.

They were probably too busy getting skin grafts in the Burn Ward.

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The Wolf and the Kids

Synopsis

Mother Goat lives in the woods with her kids.   Whenever she goes out, she tells the baby goat-kids to beware of the “wicked old wolf”.

One day, when Mother Goat is out (abandoning her children again), the wolf comes knocking at the door.

But he’s crafty:  he’s eaten honey to make his voice sound sweet, and he’s put flour on his paws to make them look white.  So when he knocks at the door, the kids let him in…

aI love the look of sheer malevolence the artist gave the “wicked old wolf”.   You just KNOW he’s up to no good, and he’s going to eat all those stupid herbivores. .

Which he does.   He gobbles them all up,  “one at a bite“, except one kid that gets away.

Then he decides he’s tired and takes a nap.

Look at the bucolic calm setting of this illustration.  Look how peaceful and content the wolf is.   You almost want to pet him and rub his belly.  Until you remember he’s got six GOATS in his stomach which he’s slowly digesting.

Anyway, Mother Goat eventually comes back (great parenting!)  and the one baby goat that got away tells her what happened.

So Mother goat finds the sleeping wolf, takes out her scissors and thread, and then (I quote): “…snip, snip, she cuts a big slit in the bad wolf, and one, two, three, four, fix six, out bounded the little kids, as good a snew“.

So let me get this straight….she GUTS the wolf while he’s sleeping?   And he doesn’t wake up?    And the baby goats are as “good as new”?

Even when I was five, I found that hard to swallow.   But for arguments’ sake, let’s agree the wolf is a VERY sound sleeper, and obviously doesn’t chew his food.

The story doesn’t end there, though.

Mother now instructs the kids to each find a big rock,  which she fills the wolfs’  empty the stomach with, and then sews him up again.

 (And of course, he continues to sleep through all this).

When the wolf wakes up, he feels thirsty, so goes to a stream  to take a drink.    But the stones are so heavy, he falls into the water and DROWNS !!!

The End.

Gee.  But what a GREAT bedtime story for children.

It’s got everything you’d want:    neglectful parents, predators terrorizing young kids, vivisection, drowning,  and murder.

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The LIttle Old Woman and Her Pig

You’ll love this one.   The little old woman in this story is worse than Hitler.

Synopsis

A little old lady wants to take her pig to the market, but the pig is stubborn and won’t move.

So she asks the dog to bite the pig.

But the dog won’t help, so she asks the stick to beat the dog so the dog could bite the pig.

But the stick would not help,  so she asks fire to burn the stick…

Notice a pattern here…?  Do you see where this is going?

Anyway, this is how the little old lady finally gets her pig to the market:

Good Lord.

What an orgy of violence and killing!    How many animals (including a human) are are being tormented and killed, all for the sake of ONE PIG?

The fire and water are the least scary.  They’re inanimate objects.

The stick is the worst.   It looks like some kind of twisted demon from hell…imagine how terrifying it would be to see this in real life?  Look how ANGRY it is!

I especially like the rope trying to choke the butcher to death.

The poor man is being subjected to a slow painful death:  all because he didn’t instantly jump to kill the ox like the old lady asked him to.

I’m sorry..that’s just MESSED UP.    There’s no justification for taking a human being’s life, just because they didn’t drop what they’re doing to help you.

Well, the old lady eventually did get her pig to the market….but only after getting half the village to do her evil bidding.

And Lord help anyone or anything that wouldn’t help her.

Like I said, worse than Hitler.

Good night, kids.

Pleasant Dreams.

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They Can’t All be Gems

November 29, 2011

Painting class tonight SUCKED.

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This is what I had set out to paint:

…and THIS is what I ended up doing.

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Some days, it just doesn’t pay to try.

Happy Post-Thanksgiving: Eleven Things I am Ungrateful For

November 26, 2011

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1.  Squirrels

Because they’re assholes.

Anyone who follows my blog will know why.

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2.  Frosted Mini Wheats

Coat them with sugar all you want, they still taste like sawdust.

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3.  Lucky Charms (just the cereal part)

Because REALLY…without marshmallows, what’s the freaking POINT?

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4. Caillou

Teaching kids everywhere to be whiny little shits, since 1995.

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5.  The Kardashians

For the life of me, I cannot think of  one thing these women actually DO.   Except maybe metabolize food into CO2 and water vapor and waste heat.

Okay.  I’ll give them THAT…at least.

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6.  French Kids’ TV Shows with Puppets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwiHQsb6Ja0

…and you thought ELMO was obnoxious!

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7.  Estrogen-Saturated Yogurt Commercials

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNqGMKltUYk

Nothing like setting back the feminist movement by 40 years…

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8.   Chips Ahoy Cookie Bags

Ever since they changed their design…just TRY and open one without ripping it.

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9.   Faster-than-Light Neutrinos Research 

Okay,  you guys.    Stop it.

Just STOP it.

You’re going to ruin physics for EVERYONE.

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10.  Cirque de Soleil

Make it go away.

PLEASE.

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11.  Inspirational Posters telling me to  be grateful.

Because actually, they have the OPPOSITE effect.

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Wolves Versus Squirrels: An Unbiased Comparison

November 21, 2011

 

(*)  Click on the image to enlarge.

Treasured Stories From My Childhood That Would Traumatize Today’s Kids

November 20, 2011

Based on a storybook I’ve had for as long as I can remember:  “The Tall Book of Nursery Tales“.

I loved this book, and I still do.   I remember looking at the pictures, before I was old enough to read.

But Caillou and the Berenstain Bears, this ain’t.

If they printed a book like this today, it would last on the bookshelves for two minutes, because granola-parents everywhere would be holding candle-light vigils demanding to have it banned.

Here are a few examples:

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Chicken Licken

Synopsis:

We all know this one.  Chicken Licken thinks the sky is falling, and convinces his friends Turkey Lurkey and Cocky (snicker) Locky and Goosey Loosey (etc.) to go see the king and let him know.

They eventually  bump into Foxy Loxy, who promises to take them there…

After which point, Foxy Loxy lures them into his hole and they get EATEN.

What a lovely, happy ending!

(Well, for the foxes, at least).

With all those birds, I wonder if they had turducken?

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The GingerBread Boy

Synopsis:

Some woman bakes a Gingerbread Boy, who comes to life.   The obnoxious little shit keeps running away and nobody can catch him.

Eventually, a sly fox tricks the Gingerbread Boy into climbing onto his back while he swims across the river.

At which point, the Gingerbread box gets EATEN.

(And that was the end of that gingerbread boy).

You gotta love the look of pure, unabashed glee as the fox gulps down the screaming Gingerbread Boy alive.

You just don’t get that kind of drama with Richard Scarry.

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The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Synopsis:

Another story we all know well: a boy is supposed to watch the sheep.  He keeps crying “Wolf!” and the villagers run to help him.  But every time, it’s just a joke, he just keeps fooling them. Eventually, the villagers catch on, and and stop running to help.  Until one day, it’s too late…

The final scene shows the villagers running to help the boy, once they realize it IS a real wolf, this time…

I don’t know what’s more frightening:  the concept of being eaten by a wolf, or the murderous rage displayed by the townsfolk as they rush to dispatch the wolf.

Check out Cousin Cletus in the lead.   He just ain’t right, leading one to suspect his parents were siblings.

For crying out loud, they even have a 5-year-old girl running to join in on the kill-fest.

Geez.  They sure didn’t like wolves back then.

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The Three Little Pigs

Synopsis:

The Big Bad Wolf terrorizes some pigs, and promises to huff and puff and blow their houses down.   But the third pigs’ house is made of brick that the Big Bad Wolf cant’ destroy.  So he sneaks down the chimney…

…only to land in pot of BOILING WATER that the pigs had laid out as a trap.

Like I said…they sure didnt’ like wolves back then.

But you cant’ help but feel sorry for the Big Bad Wolf.   Sure, he’s trying to eat the pigs, but he’s a wolf…whaddya expect?   That’s what carnivores do.

As opposed to the pig.   Look at his expression.  This goes beyond self-defense.  The sick little bastard:  he’s absolutely DELIGHTED to be torturing his enemy and scalding him alive.

Makes you wonder:  who’s the REAL villain, here?

On-Line Dating Ads I Tend to Skip Over

November 19, 2011

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(*)  All based on actual dating ads I’ve seen.

(Seriously, folks, I cannot make this shit up!)

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1.  The Other Guy

Okay, if you’re supposed to be single and available, then who the hell is this guy that’s cropped out of the picture?    Your Dad?   Your brother?  Uncle Sven?

Or is it your jealous Ex who still stalks everyone you talk to?

I think I’ll pass.

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2.  The World Traveler

Okay, it’s an admirable quality to want to broaden one’s horizons and see different cultures.

But the 20-pixel photo of yourself in the background tells me nothing about what you look like.

News Flash:   Guys are interested in dating women…NOT the Great Pyramid of Giza.

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3.  Okay!…Okay!  You’re a MOM! …We GET it! 

Ladies, we guys aren’t stupid.   We realize that most women over 30 come with kids from a previous relationship.

But can you at least take a 2-minute break from you Mommyhood  and just pose for one lousy picture, without having to involve your precious offspring?

Or maybe you want just to scare off all the guys who aren’t thrilled with being an “Instant Dad” on the first date.

If which case, mission accomplished.

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4.  Ms. Scowly-Face

THIS is the best picture of yourself that you could find?

…REALLY?

I mean, how much effort does it take to SMILE?

….Next!

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5.  Good LORD…!   What IS that? 

 

Here’s a hint to all you budding photographers out there:

Holding the camera at arms’ length rarely provides flattering results.

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6.  I sense a lack of focus

Oh, come ON!     You’re not even TRYING!

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7.  Lookit My Home Renovations

Do you honestly think that people are interested in your rock-pile?

WHY…in Gods’ name, would you post this picture, instead more photos of yourself?

(Although this helps explain why you’re still single…)

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