Archive for the ‘Those Vikings…’ category
Splatta Cake
November 27, 2010Viking Nursery Rhymes Updated
November 20, 2010
Viking Children, Versus Those Who Are Not.
August 24, 2010Most children are taught the three R’s:
Viking children are taught the 3 P’s.
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Most children need to be told to put a helmet on before riding their bike.
Viking Children need to be told to wear a helmet, before going out to raid the playground.
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Most children like to play “Duck, Duck, Goosee!”
Viking children like to play “Saxon, Saxon, DANE!”
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Most chidlren are scolded, if they play too aggressively.
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Viking Children are scolded when they DON’T play aggressively ENOUGH.
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Most children hate to get wool sweaters for Christmas
Viking children LOVE to get chain-mail sweaters for Mid-Winter’s Feast.
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Most chidren sleep with some kind of Teddy Bear
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Viking Children sleep with REAL bears!
If Large Corporations Were Run By Vikings
July 22, 2010Meetings would not be allowed to drag on past their alloted time.
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Cafeterias would be heavily subsidized, with a heavy emphasis on roast animal.
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Profanity would not be tolerated..it would be encouraged.
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Grievances would get heard.
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Career advancement would be tough, but fair
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“Challenging” a co-worker would take on a whole new meaning.
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All staff would be required to speak the language of their forefathers. Disobedience would be dealt with harshly.
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We would finally get a truly paperless office.
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The company’s year-end plunder would be shared fairly among the deserving employees…
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…while imcompetent management would be cast adrift in the North Sea.
The Viking Approach to Life
June 28, 2010Some people will permit their children to play dodgeball, but only after putting on safety glasses, a helmet, and bubble-wrap.
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Vikings will encourage their kids to go outside and “play with something sharp”.
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Some people prefer to take a Zen-like approach to life, and will try to live with a minimum of material possessions.
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Vikings will help these people achieve their goal.
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Some people like to relax with yoga
Vikings like to tie their enemies into knots.
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Some people enjoy a nice, soothing, hot cup of caffeine-free herbal tea.
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Vikings have no use for boiling water, except to pour on invaders trying to storm the perimeter.
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Some people deal with stress and conflict by invoking the Serenity Prayer
Vikings will count to zero, before losing their temper.
(Maybe).
When confronted with disasters like major oil spills, some people might hold drum circles, and offer their prayers and positive energy, so that Mother Earth may heal herself.
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Vikings would stab and poke Mother Earth, just out of spite. And to coax out more oil out of the ground.
(Well…because they’re VIKINGS!)
Viking Warehouse Clearance Sale!
May 27, 2010VIKING DONUTS
Are you Norseman enough to eat these? Comes in three flavours: Armour-plated, Spiked-Mace Crûller, and Molten-Lead Filled (with sprinkles).
Price: 5 bronze pieces a dozen.
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Perfect for a low-budget nutritious meal. Or for smacking negligent husbands with.
Price: 1 silver piece
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ASSORTED THRALLS
Our stockade is filled with these surplus captives, left over from our last conquest. Great for helping out with the household chores or yard work.
Price: 5 guilders each, or an equivalent livestock animal in barter.
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BOOTS OF MEAT
HYARGGHH! Is there nothing more tough, more Viking-like, than boots made of RAW MEAT?
Will keep your feet warm, or feed you in a pinch, should you become lost at sea.
Price: 25 Kröners.
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HOME FIRST AID KIT
Why barter a months’ worth of plundering to the Village Elder to cure your battle wounds, when you can do it yourself? Comes with a rusty amputation saw, tar to cauterize the bloody stump, and a small cauldron to boil the tar in.
Price: 15 Kröners
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NOVELTY RUBBER SWORD
Imagine the look on your comrade-in-arms’ face, when he’s fighting to the death, and you slip him this useless weapon. You’ll be the life of the party and your clansmen will laugh “Hyärgen Hyärgen Hyärgen” all the way to Valhalla.
Price: 10 bronze pieces. Or a real sword, in exchange.
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Enhance your delicate feminine aroma with this delightful perfume made of codfish soaked in brine and lye. Your man will barely be able to contain himself, or his lunch.
Price: 3 Sheep, and a goat.
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DUAL SKULL DRINKING HELMET
What better way to attend your favorite pillaging event, while enjoying the beverage of your choice drunken out of the skulls of your fallen enemies?
Price: 5 Kröners. (Mead not included).
Vikings Versus Ninjas
April 15, 2010In the final match of the Pan-Asian-Nordic Warrior games, it was the Vikings versus the Ninjas.
“Try to keep the kills clean”, said the referee, “…and no disemboweling below the belt.”.
The Ninjas started out with their fiercest battle poses, in the attempt to intimidate their enemy.
This did little to impress the Vikings, however.
“Hyårgen! Hyårgen! Hyårgen! “, they laughed. “What are these grown men, in pajamas?”
“So, you MOCK us?”, cried the Ninjas. “Then taste our Stars of Death!”
“Oboy…cookies!”, said Thrull.
“Idiot! Don’t EAT them!” scolded Clöst Æfröck.
“Okay, my turn to play!”, said Thrull, and he proceeded to pile onto the Ninjas.
The air literally clapped with Viking Thunder, as he broke wind on his unfortunate foes.
“Foul!”, cried the referee.
“It sure is!”, laughed the Vikings.
At this point, the Ninjas started to anger.
“Feel the full force of our wrath!”, they cried, and set themselves upon the Vikings with their full force.
“Oh, Goody! They’re attacking!”, observed the Berserker.
“Do we get to fight for real now? “, asked Olaf ThunderFrö4ck.
“Yes, but lads, please try to show some decorum, shall we?”, said Clöst. “Let’s not expel any more bodily gases, if we can help it.”
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The final battle was brief, but intense.
When all was said and done, it was clear who the victors were.
“The Pan-Asian Nordic Champions of the World are…The VIKINGS”, declared the referree.
The Ninjas were devastated, especially the Lead Ninja.
“This sword was in my family for six centuries….handed down from father to son. And you…you BROKE it with your horrid walking stick”.
“We have dishonored ourselves and our ancestors. We must committ sepuku!”
“Awww…come on….don’t be like that. Why dont’ you join us in our victory feast instead?”, the Berserker asked.
And so they did.
“This food…it’s so GOOD”, said the Ninjas. “It’s a lot richer than the meager fare we’re used to”.
“You were worthy foes” said Olaf. “You’re just a little underweight for these type of battles”.
“Yes”, agreed Olaf. “Rice and fish is fine. But try to eat more mutton, porc, chicken and beef, as we Vikings do, and you’ll fill out nicely.
“This time next year, who knows? Maybe you’ll be the ones massacring US!”.
Krûll the Greater
March 18, 2010Krûll the Greater, Pumpkin-hater.
Told his wife “I’ll be back later.”
Then found himself a pumpkin shell
And kicked it all to living hell.
Berserk! Goes the Weasel!
March 15, 2010All around the Skull-berry bush,
The Viking chased the Weasel.
The Viking thought ’twas fun until
BERSERK! Went the Weasel!
A Kroner for a loaf of bread
Some hearty grog and cheese, well…
That’s the way Valhalla goes…
BERSERK! Goes the Weasel!
Viking Nursery Rhymes Part III
March 11, 2010Continued from Part I and Part II
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I’m a scary Viking, strong and stout.
Here is my sword, it’s got a lot of clout.
When I’m off to battle, there will be no doubt.
I will slay all my foes, and their blood will flow out.
asdhit
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shit
Pussy cat! Pussy cat!
Where have you been?
I’ve been to London to pillage the Queen.
Pussy cat! Pussy cat!
What did you do there?
I bit the old bat, from under her chair!
shit
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Eenie, Meenie, Mynie, Moe
Catch a Viking by the Toe.
But I’d stop that now if I were you.
It could be the last thing that you’ll ever do.
shit
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shit
Splat-a-cake, splat-a-cake.
Berserker Man.
Destroy me this cake, as fast as you can.
Smash it, and bash it,
As flat as it can be.
And send it on a funeral pyre
Out to sea.
The Deep Friar 
