Archive for the ‘Those Vikings…’ category

Splatta Cake

November 27, 2010

Viking Nursery Rhymes Updated

November 20, 2010

Earlier this year, I posted my Viking Nursery Rhymes.  But those were just quick sketches.

Now I’m in the process of redrawing and improving them, to eventually put into a book.

Here are the latest.

It’s getting there…

Viking Children, Versus Those Who Are Not.

August 24, 2010

Most children are taught the three R’s:

Viking children are taught the 3 P’s.

a

a

Most children need to be told to put a helmet on before riding their bike.

Viking Children need to be told to wear a helmet, before going out to raid the playground.

a

a

Most children like to play “Duck, Duck, Goosee!”

Viking children like to play “Saxon, Saxon, DANE!”

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a

Most chidlren are scolded, if they play too aggressively.

v

Viking Children are scolded when they DON’T play aggressively ENOUGH.

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a

Most children hate to get wool sweaters for Christmas

Viking children LOVE to get chain-mail sweaters for Mid-Winter’s Feast.

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a

Most chidren sleep with some kind of Teddy Bear

v

Viking Children sleep with REAL bears!

If Large Corporations Were Run By Vikings

July 22, 2010

Meetings would not be allowed to drag on past their alloted time.

aa


Cafeterias would be heavily subsidized, with a heavy emphasis on roast animal.

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Profanity would not be tolerated..it would be encouraged.

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Grievances would get heard.

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Career advancement would be tough, but fair

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“Challenging” a co-worker would take on a whole new meaning.

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a

All staff would be required to speak the language of their forefathers.    Disobedience would be dealt with harshly.

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We would finally get a truly paperless office.

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The company’s year-end plunder would be shared fairly among the deserving employees…

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…while imcompetent management would be cast adrift in the North Sea.

The Viking Approach to Life

June 28, 2010

Some people will permit their children to play dodgeball, but only after putting on safety glasses, a helmet, and bubble-wrap.

a

Vikings will encourage their kids to go outside and “play with something sharp”.

a

Some people prefer to take a Zen-like approach to life, and will try to live with a minimum of material possessions.

a

Vikings will help these people achieve their goal.

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a

Some people like to relax with yoga

Vikings like to tie their enemies into knots.

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a

a

Some people enjoy a nice, soothing, hot cup of caffeine-free herbal tea.

a

Vikings have no use for boiling water, except to pour on invaders trying to storm the perimeter.

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a

Some people deal with stress and conflict by invoking the Serenity Prayer

Vikings will count to zero, before losing their temper.

(Maybe).

When confronted with disasters like major oil spills, some people might hold drum circles, and offer their prayers and positive energy, so that Mother Earth may heal herself.

a

Vikings would stab and poke Mother Earth,  just out of spite.   And to coax out more oil out of the ground.

(Well…because they’re VIKINGS!)

Viking Warehouse Clearance Sale!

May 27, 2010

VIKING DONUTS

Are you Norseman enough to eat these?   Comes in three flavours:  Armour-plated, Spiked-Mace Crûller, and Molten-Lead Filled (with sprinkles).

Price:   5 bronze pieces a dozen.

a

WEEK-OLD COD

Perfect for a low-budget nutritious meal.   Or for smacking negligent husbands with.

Price:   1 silver piece

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ASSORTED THRALLS

Our stockade is filled with these surplus captives, left over from our last conquest.   Great for helping out with the household chores or yard work.

Price:  5 guilders each, or an equivalent livestock animal in barter.

a

BOOTS OF MEAT

HYARGGHH!  Is there nothing more tough, more Viking-like, than boots made of RAW MEAT?  

 Will keep your feet warm, or feed you in a pinch, should you become lost at sea.

Price:   25 Kröners.
Aa

HOME FIRST AID KIT 


Why barter a months’ worth of plundering to the Village Elder to cure your battle wounds, when you can do it yourself?  Comes with a rusty amputation saw,  tar to cauterize the bloody stump, and a small cauldron to boil the tar in.

Price:   15 Kröners 

a

NOVELTY RUBBER SWORD

Imagine the look on your comrade-in-arms’ face, when he’s fighting to the death, and you slip him this useless weapon.  You’ll be the life of the party and your clansmen will laugh “Hyärgen Hyärgen Hyärgen” all the way to Valhalla.

Price:   10 bronze pieces.  Or a real sword, in exchange.
a

EAU DE LUTEFISK

Enhance your delicate feminine aroma with this delightful perfume made of codfish soaked in brine and lye.   Your man will barely be able to contain himself, or his lunch.

Price:  3 Sheep, and a goat.  

a

DUAL SKULL DRINKING HELMET 
  

What better way to attend your favorite pillaging event, while enjoying the beverage of your choice drunken out of the skulls of your fallen enemies?

Price:   5 Kröners. (Mead not included).

Vikings Versus Ninjas

April 15, 2010

In the final match of the Pan-Asian-Nordic Warrior games, it was the Vikings versus the Ninjas.

“Try to keep the kills clean”, said the referee, “…and no disemboweling below the belt.”.

The Ninjas started out with their fiercest battle poses,  in the attempt to intimidate their enemy.

This did little to impress the Vikings, however.

“Hyårgen!  Hyårgen!  Hyårgen!  “, they laughed.   “What are these grown men, in pajamas?”

“So, you MOCK us?”, cried the Ninjas.   “Then taste our Stars of Death!”

“Oboy…cookies!”, said Thrull.

“Idiot!  Don’t EAT them!” scolded Clöst Æfröck.

“Okay, my turn to play!”, said Thrull, and he proceeded to pile onto the Ninjas.

The air literally clapped with Viking Thunder, as he broke wind on his unfortunate foes.

“Foul!”, cried the referee.

“It sure is!”, laughed the Vikings.

At this point, the Ninjas started to anger.

“Feel the full force of our wrath!”, they cried, and set themselves upon the Vikings with their full force.

“Oh, Goody!  They’re attacking!”, observed the Berserker.

“Do we get to fight for real now? “, asked Olaf ThunderFrö4ck.

“Yes, but lads, please try to show some decorum, shall we?”, said Clöst.  “Let’s not expel any more bodily gases, if we can help it.”

a

The final battle was brief, but intense.

When all was said and done, it was clear who the victors were.

“The Pan-Asian Nordic Champions of the World are…The VIKINGS”, declared the referree.

The Ninjas were devastated, especially the Lead Ninja.

“This sword was in my family for six centuries….handed down from father to son.    And you…you BROKE it with your horrid walking stick”.

“We have dishonored ourselves and our ancestors.   We must committ sepuku!”

“Awww…come on….don’t be like that.    Why dont’ you join us in our victory feast instead?”, the Berserker asked.

And so they did.

“This food…it’s so GOOD”, said the Ninjas.   “It’s a lot richer than the meager fare we’re used to”.

“You were worthy foes” said Olaf.   “You’re just a little underweight for these type of battles”.

“Yes”, agreed Olaf.   “Rice and fish is fine.  But try to eat more mutton, porc, chicken and beef, as  we Vikings do, and you’ll fill out nicely.

“This time next year, who knows?    Maybe you’ll be the ones massacring US!”.