Archive for November 2010

Lowered Expectations of Middle Age

November 29, 2010

When I was 20
I’m going to live in a mansion at the foot of a ritzy ski resort.
Today
Hopefully, I’ll have that starter-home paid off before I’m too old to know the difference.

When I was 20
The woman I marry will be intelligent, gorgeous, love the outdoors and have a great sense of humor
Today
It would be nice to just get a date with someone my age who wasn’t bat-shit insane.

When I was 20
I’ll have several expensive sports cars at my disposal.
Today
I’m thankful that my 10-year old Honda starts when I turn the key.

When I was 20
I’ll work for a company that values my training and my university education.
Today
If I got treated with same respect as our Admin Assistant, that would be AWESOME.

When I was 20
Whatever my career will be, I will LOVE it, to that point that it won’t even feel like “work” when I come into the office.
Today
Just so long as my job doesn’t give me anxiety-chest pains, I can take it.

When I was 20
I”m never going to let myself go.   I’m always going to keep in shape.
Today
Just so long as I can still fit into size XL.

When I was 20
I’m going to retire in my early 50’s yet still maintain a comfortable, affluent lifestyel
Today
Freedom 85.   With one can of cat food a day, whether I need it or not.

When I was 20
I’m going to do even better than my parents did.
Today
I’m going to try to EQUAL what my parents did.  (By the way, Mom, can you lend me money to fix my roof?)

When I was 20
Eventually,  my wife and I will have 2.3 kids, maybe when I’m in my 30’s
Today
Whoever I end up marrying, I just pray her kids are grown up with no criminal records, so I dont’ have pay for custody battles, college tuition or bail.

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How to have an Eco-Friendly, Guilt-Free Green Christmas

November 28, 2010

First of all, DON’T refer to it as “Christmas”.   It’s preferable to use “Inter-Denominational Winter Solstice Love-Your-Neighbor Happiness Group Hug Fun Day“.

Don’t use a tree, EVER.   Plastic trees consume non-renewable petroleum resources and the real ones kill trees.   Either way, three penguins DIE.

Avoid holiday treats.  Sugar is an addictive poison, 57% worse than DDT or Dioxin.

If you must treat yourself,  allow yourself 2-3 berries a day, preferably local ones that you’ve foraged for yourself.

Gifts must be stopped.   If you’re the type of materialistic consumer who insists on giving or receiving presents,  then hang your head in SHAME…you’re worse than Hitler!

Don’t use Christmas lights.   Every electric bulb raises the earth’s temperature by 0.00125  degree Celsius.

Save a turkey, and don’t eat meat for your Holiday dinner.

In fact, don’t even use vegetarian “Tofurkey” either.  Soya beans have just as much of a right to live as you do.

Instead of eating,  why not try to photosynthesize?   We can accomplish anything, if we put our minds to it.

Turn the thermostat down.   You can safely maintain a balmy indoor temperature of 35 F without the pipes bursting.

Avoid playing Christmas carols:  DVD players or radios consume electricity which causes baby polar bears to DROWN.

On the night of the Solstice, why not form a drum-circle instead, and chant your good vibes to Mother Earth?

Go to your family doctor, and ask them to remove all your sense of fun and child-like wonder.

Wear a hair shirt, if you have one.

Spend the holidays with the lights turned off, the window blinds drawn, and contemplate how fortunate you are compared to the rest of the planet.

Splatta Cake

November 27, 2010

Some Genetically-Engineered Foods I’d Like To See

November 25, 2010

Thumbing through a Popular Mechanics magazine from 1950.

November 24, 2010

I like the manly, confident way this guy hews his logs,  but look at his  pants.

(Good Lord).  They come up to his ARMPITS!

Now I know why today’s seniors dress this way.

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You gotta love this back seat playpen.   Obviously, they didn’t worry about children’s safety seats (or anything else, for that matter).

Let’s  pray Daddy never has an accident, or Little Junior will be bouncing around the inside of the car like a ping-pong ball in a bingo machine.

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I don’t know WTF it is with the 1950’s and pipes.

But apparently every middle-class suburban male who read Popular Mechanics smoked one.

Here’s an entire article devote to the subject.   The guys’ smoking a pipe while in process of making ANOTHER.

(Jesus…how many pipes did people NEED back then?)

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Of course, Popular Mechanics wasn’t all about manly things.

For the women, there were articles like how to wear belts and accessories,  as depicted by this (*snicker*) “glamorous” model here.

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Oh, look.  Another guy smoking a pipe.

With a hat, no less.

(Now I also know why today’s seniors wear hats.)

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Wow….a whole desk-set made in…PLASTIC!!!!

But to be fair, plastic just got invented back then.  At the time, it was considered more valuable than platinum.

Another thing I noticed:  there was only one type of Mommy back then:

In the kitchen, with an apron, and high-heels.

Where she belonged.

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Finally, check out this beautiful ash-tray you could make.

Oooh, I WANT one.

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Viking Nursery Rhymes Updated

November 20, 2010

Earlier this year, I posted my Viking Nursery Rhymes.  But those were just quick sketches.

Now I’m in the process of redrawing and improving them, to eventually put into a book.

Here are the latest.

It’s getting there…

“Doc” Peters Saves The Day.

November 19, 2010

I love these cheesy old ads from the 50’s.

This one’s from “Boys Life”  from 1955,  a magazine that appears to be targeted towards 10-15 year olds.

So let me get this straight.

A bobcat is minding it’s own business, trying to feed itself.

So Jimmie and “Doc” Peters decide to KILL IT.

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Anyway, we can all breathe a sigh of relief, because now there’s one less varmint to “plunder the woods”.

And not only that, but Jimmie has “helped conservation of wildlife”.

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But which wildlife, I wonder?

Because obviously it’s not the bobcat.

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