Archive for August 2009

Gone Fishin’.

August 21, 2009

Hey, kids.  I’m takin’ a time-out.

Up North.

To try and find more of these guys…

Pickerel

See ya in a few weeks.

PS.  No lame-ass dead fish were involved in the creation of this blog post.  The pickerel you see here was released.

(OKAY?…Karen and Eyeteaguy ?)

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The World as we’d know it, if the PC-Granola-Crunchers had their way.

August 18, 2009

Halloween is canceled for being insensitive and misogynistic. (After all, weren’t women burned at the stake as witches in the 1600’s?).  Therefore, it’s  not appropriate to have little girls dress up in costumes and trivialize this travesty of history.   Plus the monster costumes and ghosts invoke images of violence and fear.

Instead, we’ll have a Post-Equinox Celebration, where trick-or-treaters dress up in gender-neutral earth-toned jumpsuits.  Nobody goes door-to-door and asks for candy, though.    It rots the teeth, and leaves a huge carbon footprint.   Instead, kids will ask for contributions to be made in the name of their favorite charity.  (Now…WON’T that be FUN?)

Anybody who dares mention the “C” word (related to December 25th) will be sent to re-education camp, and have that offensive word erased from their memory by frontal lobotomy.  Any decorations invoking images of the “C-word” shall be destroyed.   Even red-and-green decor is considered inappropriate.    Instead, people will be encouraged to decorate their homes with wheat-grass and play the pan flute while sipping decaf Mango-Chutney herbal tea.

Every mountain peak will have a paved road to the top and will be wheelchair-accessible.  This way, everyone gets an equal chance to enjoy mountaineering, not just the fully-abled climbers.  (Actually, they way things are going in the lower 48, seems we’re halfway there already).

Nobody in North America will be allowed to have any more kids, until each and every unwanted child in African and Asia is adopted and accounted for.  Voluntary suicide is highly encouraged, to help save Mother Earth and reduce your carbon footprint.   You can do this at the nearest Govt. VEB’s (Voluntary Extinction Booths), where you will be dispatched, and your body is dried, mulched, and spread as compost on organic Adzuki-bean farms.

Schools will no longer grade the students, because report cards create an oppressive atmosphere of competition, which is stressful to the less-genius children. Instead of A’s, B’s and F’s, every child will receive an “EW”.  (“Everybody Wins”).

In fact, teachers are no longer required, because this is just an artifact of our male-dominated Euro-centric society.    Insated, the children will be left alone in a classroom, to teach themselves what they FEEL like learning.  Whenever they chose to.

Websters Dictionary will be re-written, to eliminate all words with “his”.   (In Statistics 101 class, for example, histograms will now be known as “their-o-grams”.)

Protest groups will demand Prison Equity.  It’s not fair that most convicted felons are male.  The ratio should be 50-50.   In order to equalize the numbers, many women receive harsh 10-15 year sentences for minor offenses like littering or parking violations.

Synagogues will be obliged to have prayer mats, in case anyone might show up and want to pray to Mecca.  By the same token, mosques will have offer kosher food to anyone who wants it.   But there will be a nation-wide ban on pork products for  all sausage vendors.

You can no longer discriminate against a job candidate because of race, sex, age, skills, education, attitude, body odor, or shoe size.   In fact, it will be against the law if you interview someone and NOT hire them.

The Air-Force will be forced to re-design the canopies of their fighter jets and provide custom-made helmets, to accommodate all manner of the religious head-gear in their pilots.

Everyone will walk, run, jump, swim, read, cycle, kayak and hope to raise a trillion dollars to cure every disease known to mankind.   Only there’s no money to left to collect, because everyone’s been too busy running, jumping, swimming, reading, cycling or kayaking.

Ultra-Vegans will try to find a way to survive without eating anything that came from any living organism (including veggies, yeast, and mold).   Surprisingly, they all die off and the initiative fails.

The term “secretary” is considered offensive, as is “administrative assistant” and “administrative professional”.    From now on, these people must be called “Super-Phd Senior Ultra-Management Administrative Alpha-Level Team Professional Leaders”.

Children will be required to wear a helmet any time there’s a weather alert threatening heavy rain or snow.    And no sunblock less than SPF 30,000 will be allowed.

Whales will be given their own sovereignty, as part of the Whale Nation.   They will become  Citizens of the World, spreading their whale-calls of hope and joy to the rest of the planet.  We’ll award them damages for the abuses they received in the past century.  They’ll be given a seat in the United Nations, though it will actually be a huge aquarium, and will take up half the UN assembly hall.

The whales will sit there going  “MMMMUUUUUU MUUUUU”  the whole time, but nobody will able to understand them.   (Except the Togo delegates, for some strange reason).

You can lead a Duck-Toller to water, but you cant’ make ’em eat.

August 17, 2009

A few months ago, I wrote how skinny Tipper was, after she had run away for 24 days.    She had lost 10 lbs (30% of her body weight) and was a scrawny 22 lbs.   But not to worry, within 2 weeks, she had fattened up and regained all her weight, and was back to normal.

But my sister informs me that Tipper is down 5 lbs. again.  She’s all skin and tendons.

But it’s not that she’s unhealthy.

It’s because it’s summer, and she lives by the river.

And Tipper is a Duck-Toller.

And Duck-Tollers like to spend every waking moment like this:

Throw the ball, please.

Throw it Please

Throw the ball, please.

Throw it Please 2

Throw the ball, please.

Throw it Please 3

VROOOOOM…!!!!

Vroom

VROOOOOOOM!!!
Vroom_2

SPLASH!!!!

Splash

BRINGING  IT BACK….

Bring it Back_2

BRINGING IT BACK….

Bring it Back 1

BRINGING IT BACK…!

Bring it Back_3

Jesus, the dog has no off-switch.

She’ll literally do this for HOURS.  Especially if a large crowd is visiting for the weekend, and there’s always a sucker willing participant available to toss her beloved Ikea ball.

Which she will retrieve, again and again.

Forget about going to the bathroom.    Or sleeping.   Or even EATING.

Because THIS  is what she does.

This is her PURPOSE in LIFE.

My sister will give me shit, sometimes.  “NO MORE playing!  Tipper’s had ENOUGH!…”

But how can you stop playing, really?   I mean…LOOK how happy she is…

Happy Tipper

And look how PATHETIC she looks, when you’re done for the day, and you tell her it’s time to go inside.

Time Out All Done _2

That dog ain’t stupid.   She’s got that sad look patented down.

Because she KNOWS Uncle Friar will soon cave in and start the game again.

In the mean time, she gets fed puppy chow and raw eggs to increase her caloric intake, until further notice.

Or at least until the water freezes.

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PS.  **  Thanks to Friar’s Sister, who took most of these photos **
(On account of I was too busy playing with the dog to man the camera).

How Companies will Assist you in Blowing Your Own Job Interview

August 15, 2009

Your footwear is wrong
Seriously.  For one of my interviews, the Head-hunter warned me to make sure my shoes were nice and polished.  Because the manager was “Old School” and he placed a lot of value on a man’s shoes.

So…never mind my qualifications, experience, or personality.   If my shoes are scuffed,  Mr. Chunder-Head will disqualify me.

An, sure enough, when I met him,  that’s one of the first things he looked at.   My SHOES…

Silly me.  Had I known this, I wouldn’t have spent all that time getting my PhD and accumulating all that job experience.   I coulda saved all that aggravation, and just bought some black Kiwi Shoe Polish.


You shake hands the wrong Way

Too weak, and you’re a wuss.  Too strong, and you’re aggressive.   The handshake has to be juuuuuuust right.

Jesus Christ….can someone please do an experimental study with a strain-gauge?    Help us determine the optimal pounds-per-square-inch of handshake pressure to apply, to save us from the Unemployment Line.


You order the wrong food
If the interview includes a lunch or dinner, don’t order anything too expensive, or you’ll look like you’re taking advantage of them.    But if you’re too frugal, you’ll look like a tool, like you’re someone that can’t fit in with the group.

Whatever you order, remember:  the price has to be juuuuuuuust right.

Oh, and God Forbid, do NOT spill any food or drink on your clothes.   Or you’ll blow it right there.

Interview meals (Shudder).    I’d rather play with live cobras.


Not being perfectly punctual.
Obviously,  being late is a big no-no.  But showing up too early isn’t good either.   Now you get to sit in the lobby and wait for your interviewers to arrive, while you look too eager and desperate.

Remember…your timing has to be juuuuuuuust right.


Show up exactly on time, but still get burned for it.

Happened to me once.   I met my interviewers at exactly 2:00 PM at a  pub. (I think it was calle The Thrusting Pig or something, but that’s besides the point).    Click and Clack were still eating, and apparently weren’t’ ready for me yet.

There was an awkward moment.  These two bosons almost seemed annoyed, and didn’t invite me to sit down with them.   They said to give them another 10 minutes or so, and went on talking among themselves.

(What?)   I was almost ready to walk out at that point.    But I decided to go to the bar for a pint of beer, and waited for them to come and get me.

When they did, they seemed pissed off:  How how come I didn’t’ bring my beer over and join them?

Oh yeah.  That was a GREAT start to a lousy interview.


Another interviewer blows your chances, and it’s not your fault

Once a junior engineer was assigned to take me out to lunch.   I just followed his lead (after all, he was part of the Interview Team).   But it turns out he brought me back late, which threw the whole afternoon interview schedule off.

Some of the senior managers were visibly annoyed.  The one who might have been my future boss  kept glaring at me.    It was obviously MY fault.

Right then and there…GAME OVER.


You don’t solve their lame-ass brainstorming question.
Picture this:  a man is in a boat, in a very small pond.  There’s a large anchor in the boat, which he throws overboard.  This will lighten his boat and make it float higher out of the water.  But the anchor will also make the water level in the pond rise slightly.

So what happens to the level of the water in the pond? Does it go up and down?

This is how my interview started.   The idiot woudln’t talk to me.  He just gave me pencil and paper to solve the problem, and left me alone for 15 minutes.

For THIS, I took half a day off work and drove 120 miles?   To play their cat-and-mouse game of “Let’s see how we can get this guy to work under pressure” ?

F**k.    Right.   Off.

Needless to say, I was annoyed enough, and didn’t remember my 1st year physics enough, that I didn’t’ solve the puzzle.    (Oooh, that’s probably a black mark against me!)

But at that point, I didn’t care.  I had already lost considerable interest in the company.


You have the nerve to ask about your travel expenses
Good companies will pay for your gas, meals, motels, etc.   They’ll even arrange for your lodgings ahead of time, and cut you a check for your gas before you arrive.

BAD companies will expect you to drive 200 miles to be interviewed, out of the goodness of your heart.   And if you ask about travel expenses, you get awkward looks:  the cheap bastards try to make YOU out to be the bad guy.

Hmph.  Just as well.  Who’d want to work for a company like that, anyway?

(By the way, this was the SAME company that gave me the anchor-boat problem).


You Interview the Anti-Christ

Have you ever had this moment:  You first meet your interviewer, you make eye-contact and shake hands…and in that first split second….it’s like a jolt of bad electricity?….it feels so WRONG?

Congratulations.  What you got there is the Interview Anti-Christ.    It takes on different shapes and forms.   But regardless, It has decided It already hates you, and you don’t’ stand a chance.

Yet It will still go through the motions, for what turns out to be the nastiest, most disastrous interview of your life.

Next time that happens, when I feel that bad chemistry, I’ll take out the Holy Water, and splash them.   If they hiss as it burns them, I’ll just turn around and leave.

You have a questionable reference
This has never happened to me.  But I’ve heard annectodal stories from a hiring manager.   If he’s interested in a candidate,  he’ll phone one of the references, and will ask them to describe so-and-so.

If the other person waivers (“…well….“) that would be enough to turn him off.   He’s told me that all it takes is that SPLIT SECOND of hesitation, and he wont’ hire that person.

Hol-Lee Crap.   If that’s all it takes…..wow.    It’s amazing any of us ever find jobs.


Be Born after 1960

Anybody today looking for work  knows how much the whole process sucks.    Getting a decent job can take months of planning, networking,  cold-calls..and that’s just to get an interview.

Woudln’t it have been nice to have grown up as a Baby-Boomer?    No c.v.’s, no pounding the pavement.

If you wanted work, you’d just show up to the Personnel Office,  fill in the job application form (in PEN), and you’d get hired on the spot, for the next 35 years, with full benefits and pension.

No advanced education needed, either.  You just needed your Grade 12  to apply, and company would train you.

And yet…these same baby boomers (now retired)  expect Senior Discounts at McDonalds.

Friar’s Tips on How to Attract the Opposite Sex

August 12, 2009

Due to my overwhelming response last week on my tips on how ladies can NOT attract men, I’ve decided to write a follow-up post.   Namely, on how ladies can attract men.   And vice-versa.

For those of you who know my blog,  I think you’ll be able to figure out just how seriously to take this post.

As for the rest of you..well (heh heh), have FUN.   (And try to keep the pitchforks and torches to a minimum, folks).

*************************************************

How a Woman can Attract the Typical Man (*)
(*) not necessarily in this order

– Don’t have a boyfriend.

– Stand there and breathe.

– Have a pulse.

– Offer to have sex with him.

– Be almost (but not quite as smart) as he is.

– Similarly, earn almost (but not quite as much) as he does.

– When he asks you to pull his finger, do so.

– Show cleavage.   Any kind of cleavage.

– If there’s a nude scene on TV, make sure you point it out to him.

– Remember:  the remote is his, and HIS alone.

– Never beat him at golf.

– Feed him.   Especially if he’s a bachelor who hates cooking.   (Seriously, ladies, we’ll do almost anything for a home-cooked meal, like move your furniture and shit…We guys are kinda stupid that way.)

– Give his dog a belly-rub.

– Clean the fish he catches, making him feel like the Great Alpha Male returning from the Hunt.

– When he’s watching sports on TV, bring him a sammitch.

– Look like that plastic Barbie-doll from those asshole Bowflex commercials.

– Did I mention offer to have sex with him?

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How a Man can Attract the Typical Woman

– Take 100% responsibility for making sure the seat stays down.

– Offer to give a back-rub (and ONLY a back-rub)

– Do the same with the feet.

– On rare occasions, don’t be afraid to cry. (Just be careful not to do it too much, or you’ll look like a pussy).

– Give up your weekend fishing trip with the guys, so you can help dispense juice-boxes at her kid’s soccer tournament.

– Cook her a meal (but make it just pathetic enough, so that she feels sorry for you).

– Apologize profusely and sincerely be mortified whenever you fart.

– Find Ellen funny.

– Worship her cat.

– Play a musical instrument, to show your “artistic” side.  (But make sure it’s something decent, like the guitar or sax…stay away from lame-ass instruments like the piccolo or Pan Flute).

– Be able to pinch more fat off your forehead than your abs. (Just like that asshole from those Bowflex commercials).

– Don’t ask her for sex.    Give her a $50 box of Godiva chocolates instead.

– Turn the TV off, and offer to discuss where you think the relationship is going.

– Get her an audience with Oprah.

Other Wishes I’d ask a Genie to Grant Me.

August 9, 2009

If a genie were to grant us three wishes, what would most of us ask for?    Typically, we’d go for the high-priority stuff:  50 bazillion dollars.   Health.  Happiness.  World Peace…etc. 

But what if the Genie granted us more wishes? (Say, FIFTY?).    Then we could afford to be a bit more cavalier with our choices.  

Here’s what extra stuff  I’d ask for (though NOT necessarily in this order):

**********************************

Re-arrange the Earth’s Geology
Move all the oil reserves from the Middle East, and plunk them right under North America.    Now, we don’t have to deal with all those whacked-out countries anymore.   And I can drive my SUV and feel less guilty about it.


An eternally clean bum
 
We primates may one of the more intelligent species on the planet, but our derrieres are certainly NOT designed to stay clean after a Number Two.   

I’m jealous of my sister’s dog, Tipper.  Despite all her fur, she can take a crap, and afterwards, her arse is perfectly clean.   No mess, no cling-one,  nothing.   Wouldn’t it be great, if we humans could do that? 

Imagine, never having to wipe again.  And not needing to. 


Eat all I want

But my cholesterol would be okay.  (And I’d still have a perfect body like that guy on those asshole Bowflex commercials.)    


The pefect soul-mate

Who’s intelligent, has a sense of humor, loves animals,  is a gourmet chef,   is good in bed, etc..    (And who’d also have a perfect body like that Barbie-doll on those asshole Bowflex commercials.)


Most people start to hate the water
Beachfront property will be considered 2nd-rate.  Prime real-estate will now be around the cornfields of Nebraska.   Then I could have all the lakes and coast-lines all to myself.

An Iron-Clad Bladder
You know that feeling you have, when you’re so  perfectly COMFORTABLE in a warm bed, but you have to get up to go to the bathroom.?   Geez, I HATE that…!  

Wish I could turn off the bladder-response trigger, and postpone it for a few hours.  And only go when I WANT to…not when I NEED to. 

 Fisherman start liking Bottom-Feeders
Everyone goes after catfish and carp.    Speckled trout and walleye are plentiful everywhere, because they’re considered “garbage fish” and nobody wants them.      

A Carnivore Garden
 Where you can grow pizza and cheesburgers, right off the vine.  Instead of lame-ass legumes and vegetables.

 A Beatles Re-union
George and John arent’ really dead.  They just staged it, because they were getting sick of being celebrities and wanted some time to themselves.    Now they’re ready to re-unite with Paul and Ringo, to make another album, which will be even BETTER than all the others.  


Transplant a few of the Rocky Mountains

Take 10-12 peaks from Alberta  (they wont’ miss ’em), and plop them down in Ontario somewhere.     Only to make our geography more interesting, and give us some decent ski hills for a change.


Human fertility drops

There’s a harmless virus going around, which only affects the reproductive system.   People can still have kids, just that it takes a bit longer andmore attmepts.    Nobody’s hurt or dies, but the planet population stabiltiizes down to sustainable levels.   


The onset of an Ice-Age

Just enough, so that it perfectly offsets “Global Warming” , and now the planet’s temperature is juuuuust right.

Oh, and also, when Al Gore wants to spread his Gospel of the Inconvenient Truth, he’s forced to drive around a 1991 Honda Civic, instead of using his Gulfstream Jet.


People lose interest in Nature

They’ll be so busy with Face-Book and Twitter and such, no one goes outside   The National Parks will be  uncrowded, back to the way they were in the 1930s.   Finding a campsite or uncrowded hiking trails is never a problem any more.  


George Bush gets the Nobel Peace Prize

Only for my own entertainment puposes.   Imagine the uproar.

How to Infuriate Tree-Huggers

August 8, 2009

Dare to disagree with them.

Refer to whales as “just dumb fish”.

Buy them a gas-powered  leaf-blower in December, and say “Merry Christmas” while you do it. (Not “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings”.)

Hide their mortar and pestle, so they can’t crunch their granola.

Ask them to explain why is was much warmer 1000 years ago, before humans really started burning fossil fuels.

Tell them there’s no point if saving virgin forests, because the trees are just going to fall down and rot, anyway.   “Might as well use them for something, eh?”

Imply that Al Gore’s poop may NOT necessarily smell like oven-fresh cinnamon-buns.

Ask them where they think the hydrogen will come from to power their fuel-cell cars.

Catch them doing something hypocritical, and call them on their bullshit.

Have a sense of humor.

Pretend to be sincere and ask: “So…um…do you think nuclear power is BAD? ”

Raise ten kids, and get lectured for over-populating the planet.  But then have one of them grow up and invent a life-saving technology that changes the way we live.

Tell them you have an engineering degree.

Ask them what kind of scientific background they have.