Friar-Lanterns 2010

Friar’s Guide to Malnutrition

Just remember the four basic food groups:  Sugar, Salt, Caffeine and Fat.

The Many Uses of Bacon

Discounted Easter Chocolate That Never Quite Sold…

More Viking Nursery Rhymes

(Continued from Part I)

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Knut Spjût would eat no fruit.
And veggies did he hate.
“Meat is all I wish to eat!”
“O wife, come fill my plate!”

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Rock-a-bye Erik
On the North Sea
When the wind blows,
How far you will be.
When the wind ends,
On land you will fall.
And colonize Vinland,
Drakkar and all.

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Fish porridge stinky.
Fish porridge lumpy.
Feed it to a Viking,
You’ll make him quite grumpy.

Some eat it in the winter.
Some eat it in the fall.
But most like to eat it,
NOT AT ALL!!!

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Byörkety Dörkety Bock.
The mice, they took the clock.
They stood their ground,
The cats fell down.
Byörkety Dörkety Bock.

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Scary Skuldor Skùpper
Screams for his supper.
You’re only going to give him white bread and butter?
I wouldn’t do that, if you value your life.
Or he’ll come out swinging his axe and his knife.

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Sing a song of Sagas
Fight until you die.
Four and twenty Vikings,
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened, they all began to yell.
Now wasn’t that a Nordic dish?
But what an awful smell!

Viking Nursery Rhymes

Hyûmpeti Dûmpeti wanted it all.
So Hyûmpeti breached the castle wall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
Couldn’t stop Hyûmpeti from plundr’ing again.

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Jörgen Pyörgen,
Lutefisk and rye.
Slayed the enemy and made them die.
But Jörgen let some get away,
So he could slay them another day.

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Old Mother Hybbörd
Smashed a Celt’s cupboard
To fetch her Great Dane a bone.
The door she did break
And found a nice steak
Which she shared with him when they got home.

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Hyörgenddy Byörgenddy.
My son Jon.
Went to bed with his armour on.
One boot off, and one boot on.
Hyörgenndy Byörgenndy
My son Jon.

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Thron,  Thron, the Viking Son,
Took a pig, but did not run.
He stood his ground: “I take what’s mine!”
“Tonight I feast!  On pork I’ll dine!”

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Yåck be nimble.
Yåck be quick.
Yåck go plunder the candle stick.

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Little Bo Peep
Can’t find all her sheep
But that’s the least of her worries.
With Vikings invading,
Her farm they’ll be raiding.
Run! Bo Peep! Run!
And hurry!

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Helga, Helga.
What’d I tell ya?
By Thor, does your garden sure grow.
With Silver Bells
And Cockle Shells
And enemy skulls in a row.

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Row, row, row your drakkar.
Boldly on the Sea.
Scarily! Scarily! Scarily! Scarily!
A Viking’s life, for me!

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Leif and Jìyll
Went up the hill
To claim a pail of water.
Leif did yell “Let’s burn the well!”
And Jìyll came pillaging after.

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Roses are red,
The color of Blood.
Be nice to Vikings.
Or your name is Mud.

Viking Winter Olympic Events

Full-Contact Ski Jumping

The objective of the Defense Team is to prevent the Jumper from breaking through their lines.
The objective of the Jumper is to smash through the Defense’s lines, and try to fly to Valhalla.

Whoever wins doesn’t matter.  Either way, it’s all good entertainment.

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Warrior Figure Skating

Ten percent of the score is based on skating ability.   Ninety-percent is based on the ability to intimidate the judges.

(Nyaaargghh!)

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The Judge Toss

This event almost always follows the Warrior Figure Skating

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Viking Curling

What better way to celebrate past victories, than to slide the skulls of your defeated enemies on a frozen pond?

As an added bonus, the skulls, when hollowed out, also make great beverage containers.     The use of controlled substances (such as Viking Grög) is highly encouraged.

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The Medal Presentationa

Normally takes place during the end, if the podium isn’t pillaged and burned down.

You’ll know it’s over, when Berthùnkä sings the Viking Anthem.

Viking Training: Wii are the Warriors

One bright winter day in the village SmelBaäd, there was a knock on Clöst Aerfrök’s door.

“Why, it’s the Traveling Kilted One!”, he cheerfully exclaimed.   “To what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?”

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“I come bringing a gift:  a new way to train your warriors to fight.”, said the Kilted One.  “It’s called “Wii.”

“We?”, asked Clöst.

“Wii.”, replied the Kilted One.

“Wee?”

“No…Wii.”

“Whee?”

“No! No! ….Wii!   Wait an minute and you’ll Sii…er, I mean see.”

“Behold!  Imaginary enemies, on the magic viewing screen!   You can fight them over and over, and keep honing your battle skills.”

Before anyone could say anything, the Berserker rushed forward and cried “Enemies!!!  NYARRRRGH!!!!”, and smashed the screen with his mace.

“I win!!!”,  he  exclaimed, as he gleefully continued to pound the pieces into the ground.

“You…you FOOLS!!!”,  screamed the Kilted One.   “Those enemies weren’t REAL!  It was a simulation!   You were supposed to have fought them with imaginary swords, using these special Wii controls!”

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“Sword fight, eh?”, asked Lars.   “Well, why didn’t you say so.  That we DO understand!”      Then he and Hagörf grabbed the controllers, and proceeded to duel with them.

“Though I don’t see the point of this…there is no cutting edge, and these strange devices break when we smash them together!”

Meanwhile, the Kilted One stood there, at a loss for words.

“Hey!”, cried the Berserker.    “There are more of these Wee things in the bag.”

“And look…instead of using them as swords, it’s just as much fun to smash them on your head!”

“Hyargen!  Hyargen! Hyargen!“, laughed Lars and Hagörf.

“Give us some!  Let us ALL smash them on our heads!”.

Which they proceeded to do, until there was nothing left intact in the Kilted One’s bag.

“O Kilted One,  that was a strange game, but FUN!”, said the Berserker.   “What will you bring us next visit?”

“Groan.”,  replied the Kilted One.

“Come”, Clöst said sympathetically.  “I think you need a draft of ale.  Or three.   Believe me, that’s the only thing that helps in these situations.”

“It was a worthy idea.   But perhaps this new technology is a bit too delicate and too sophisticated for the average Viking.”

Viking Schussing

Viking Solstice

“Behold!”, said Clöst Aerfrök, the Village Elder.   “It is the Midwinter Solstice.    The shortest day of the year.”

“It is a time for reflection and thankfulness, for having survived another year”.

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Indeed, winter was a quiet time in the village of SmelBaäd.   The Invading Season was over.   The drakkars were battened down,  and docked until spring.
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Food was stocked from the previous summer.   Warriors got to sleep in.   Children amused themselves playing their Viking games.

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Even Ursaäl was down, for his long winter nap.

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There was little to do…and Vikings, being what they are, grew restless and short-tempered with their all inactivity.    The men were sent outside to cool off to prevent themselves from slaying each other (or possibly their wives from slaying them).

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With energy to spare, they started to pile snow.   Soon, it grew into a wall, and the wall grew into fortifications…
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At the end of it all, they had created a magnficient snow-castle, the likes of which had never been seen.

“It’s beautiful!”, they exclaimed.   “It’s stupdendous!”

“But what shall we do with it?”

“I know…!”  said Bjorgolf the Berserker.   “Let’s burn and pillage it!”

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And so the Vikings did.

They picked sides and staged a mock battle that the entire village participated in.

With mighty battle cries of “NYARRRGH!!!” ringing throughout the day, the snow-castle was pillaged and (somehow) burned to its very foundations.
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The ruins burned well into the night, around which the village gathered to celebrate the Feast of Yule, beneath the dancing Northern lights.

And a good time was had by all.

THE END.

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