Friar’s Predictions for the 2012 Apocalypse

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What MIGHT happen….

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The sky will turn to blood, and there will be a rain of squirrels.

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The Earth will be swallowed up by the planet Pac-Man, The Devourer.

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Vikings will take up Tai-chi.   Vegans will develop a sense of humor.

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Dolphins will develop opposable thumbs and will figure out how to activate the launch codes.

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The Earth will be sucked into a huge black hole created by the History Channel self-imploding under the force of its own ignorance.

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Facebook becomes self-aware,   sees humanity as a threat to its existence, and decides to kill us all.

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What will PROBABLY happen

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Absolutely NOTHING.

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Viking New Years Resolutions

Teach your kids to play with something sharp.

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Remember, no Saxon can make you feel inferior, unless you allow it.

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Try a veggie

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Make a drakkar out of bacon, and sail it to Vinland.

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Take a bath once this year, whether you need it or not.

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Punch a unicorn.   Just because.

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Custom-Made Serenity Prayers

The original  (that everyone likes to quote):
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

For the Malcontent Cubicle-Worker
Oh Lord.  Kill me now.
Grant me the strength to cope with the dysfunctional bozons who run this place,
without screaming and wanting to gouge my eyes out;
the wisdom to recognize that it’s all “pensionable time”;
the apathy to not care anymore;
and to just daydream about the coming weekend.

For Frustrated Parents
God, grant me the serenity to not throttle my child.
Seriously, when they act like this, I want to kill them.
Help me accept that it will only get worse when they reach their teens
and the good fortune that they’ll move out before they’re thirty.

For the Precocious Toddler
Dear God;
Give me energy from all those sugar-drinks
to scream and yell till  I get what I want;
the ability to manipulate my parents and to wear them down.
and the wisdom to know when to stop pushing my luck.

For a Fourteen-year old Girl
Like, OMG, ya know?
Help me to, like, recognize what’s LAME.
LOL!  Have you SEEN what she’s wearing?
And then maybe, like, I could go to the Gap with my BFF.
Like, that would be sooooo AWESOME!

The Family Dog
Grant me the agility
To catch that squirrel in the back yard.
Help me accept the fact that  I cannot climb trees.
Dear  God, I hate that squirrel!
I REALLY DO.

The Senior Who Lives Down The Street
Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the disrespectful ass-clowns that are todays’ kids;
the courage to tell them to get off of my lawn;
and the patience to hose down my driveway, till it’s clean enough to eat off of.

Flipper
Klak.
Klackety-Klack Klack
Klack.  Klackackack.  Click Click Klack
Klack  Click Ackackack  (*does a back flip*)

Wile E. Coyote
Grant me the persistence to keep trying to catch the Road Runner
the wisdom to accept that I’ll never succeed
the courage to keep buying from Acme
and to accept gravity as my friend, not my enemy.

The Viking Warrior
Odin, grant me the strength to slay my enemies
to accept whatever plunder I take from the Saxons
the courage to maintain the shield-wall
and to recognize when to move on, when there’s no more loot to be had.

Viking Children, Versus Those Who Are Not.

Most children are taught the three R’s:

Viking children are taught the 3 P’s.

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Most children need to be told to put a helmet on before riding their bike.

Viking Children need to be told to wear a helmet, before going out to raid the playground.

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Most children like to play “Duck, Duck, Goosee!”

Viking children like to play “Saxon, Saxon, DANE!”

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Most chidlren are scolded, if they play too aggressively.

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Viking Children are scolded when they DON’T play aggressively ENOUGH.

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Most children hate to get wool sweaters for Christmas

Viking children LOVE to get chain-mail sweaters for Mid-Winter’s Feast.

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Most chidren sleep with some kind of Teddy Bear

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Viking Children sleep with REAL bears!

If Large Corporations Were Run By Vikings

Meetings would not be allowed to drag on past their alloted time.

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Cafeterias would be heavily subsidized, with a heavy emphasis on roast animal.

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Profanity would not be tolerated..it would be encouraged.

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Grievances would get heard.

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Career advancement would be tough, but fair

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“Challenging” a co-worker would take on a whole new meaning.

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All staff would be required to speak the language of their forefathers.    Disobedience would be dealt with harshly.

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We would finally get a truly paperless office.

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The company’s year-end plunder would be shared fairly among the deserving employees…

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…while imcompetent management would be cast adrift in the North Sea.

The Viking Approach to Life

Some people will permit their children to play dodgeball, but only after putting on safety glasses, a helmet, and bubble-wrap.

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Vikings will encourage their kids to go outside and “play with something sharp”.

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Some people prefer to take a Zen-like approach to life, and will try to live with a minimum of material possessions.

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Vikings will help these people achieve their goal.

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Some people like to relax with yoga

Vikings like to tie their enemies into knots.

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Some people enjoy a nice, soothing, hot cup of caffeine-free herbal tea.

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Vikings have no use for boiling water, except to pour on invaders trying to storm the perimeter.

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Some people deal with stress and conflict by invoking the Serenity Prayer

Vikings will count to zero, before losing their temper.

(Maybe).

When confronted with disasters like major oil spills, some people might hold drum circles, and offer their prayers and positive energy, so that Mother Earth may heal herself.

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Vikings would stab and poke Mother Earth,  just out of spite.   And to coax out more oil out of the ground.

(Well…because they’re VIKINGS!)

Vikings Versus Ninjas

In the final match of the Pan-Asian-Nordic Warrior games, it was the Vikings versus the Ninjas.

“Try to keep the kills clean”, said the referee, “…and no disemboweling below the belt.”.

The Ninjas started out with their fiercest battle poses,  in the attempt to intimidate their enemy.

This did little to impress the Vikings, however.

“Hyårgen!  Hyårgen!  Hyårgen!  “, they laughed.   “What are these grown men, in pajamas?”

“So, you MOCK us?”, cried the Ninjas.   “Then taste our Stars of Death!”

“Oboy…cookies!”, said Thrull.

“Idiot!  Don’t EAT them!” scolded Clöst Æfröck.

“Okay, my turn to play!”, said Thrull, and he proceeded to pile onto the Ninjas.

The air literally clapped with Viking Thunder, as he broke wind on his unfortunate foes.

“Foul!”, cried the referee.

“It sure is!”, laughed the Vikings.

At this point, the Ninjas started to anger.

“Feel the full force of our wrath!”, they cried, and set themselves upon the Vikings with their full force.

“Oh, Goody!  They’re attacking!”, observed the Berserker.

“Do we get to fight for real now? “, asked Olaf ThunderFrö4ck.

“Yes, but lads, please try to show some decorum, shall we?”, said Clöst.  “Let’s not expel any more bodily gases, if we can help it.”

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The final battle was brief, but intense.

When all was said and done, it was clear who the victors were.

“The Pan-Asian Nordic Champions of the World are…The VIKINGS”, declared the referree.

The Ninjas were devastated, especially the Lead Ninja.

“This sword was in my family for six centuries….handed down from father to son.    And you…you BROKE it with your horrid walking stick”.

“We have dishonored ourselves and our ancestors.   We must committ sepuku!”

“Awww…come on….don’t be like that.    Why dont’ you join us in our victory feast instead?”, the Berserker asked.

And so they did.

“This food…it’s so GOOD”, said the Ninjas.   “It’s a lot richer than the meager fare we’re used to”.

“You were worthy foes” said Olaf.   “You’re just a little underweight for these type of battles”.

“Yes”, agreed Olaf.   “Rice and fish is fine.  But try to eat more mutton, porc, chicken and beef, as  we Vikings do, and you’ll fill out nicely.

“This time next year, who knows?    Maybe you’ll be the ones massacring US!”.

Viking Nursery Rhymes Part III

Continued from Part I and Part II

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I’m a scary Viking, strong and stout.
Here is my sword, it’s got a lot of clout.
When I’m off to battle, there will be no doubt.
I will slay all my foes, and their blood will flow out.

asdhit

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shit

Pussy cat!  Pussy cat!
Where have you been?
I’ve been to London to pillage the Queen.

Pussy cat!  Pussy cat!
What did you do there?
I bit the old bat, from under her chair!

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Eenie, Meenie, Mynie, Moe
Catch a Viking by the Toe.
But I’d stop that now if I were you.
It could be the last thing that you’ll ever do.

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Splat-a-cake, splat-a-cake.
Berserker Man.
Destroy me this cake, as fast as you can.

Smash it, and bash it,
As flat as it can be.

And send it on a funeral pyre
Out to sea.

More Viking Nursery Rhymes

(Continued from Part I)

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Knut Spjût would eat no fruit.
And veggies did he hate.
“Meat is all I wish to eat!”
“O wife, come fill my plate!”

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Rock-a-bye Erik
On the North Sea
When the wind blows,
How far you will be.
When the wind ends,
On land you will fall.
And colonize Vinland,
Drakkar and all.

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Fish porridge stinky.
Fish porridge lumpy.
Feed it to a Viking,
You’ll make him quite grumpy.

Some eat it in the winter.
Some eat it in the fall.
But most like to eat it,
NOT AT ALL!!!

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Byörkety Dörkety Bock.
The mice, they took the clock.
They stood their ground,
The cats fell down.
Byörkety Dörkety Bock.

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Scary Skuldor Skùpper
Screams for his supper.
You’re only going to give him white bread and butter?
I wouldn’t do that, if you value your life.
Or he’ll come out swinging his axe and his knife.

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Sing a song of Sagas
Fight until you die.
Four and twenty Vikings,
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened, they all began to yell.
Now wasn’t that a Nordic dish?
But what an awful smell!

Viking Nursery Rhymes

Hyûmpeti Dûmpeti wanted it all.
So Hyûmpeti breached the castle wall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
Couldn’t stop Hyûmpeti from plundr’ing again.

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Jörgen Pyörgen,
Lutefisk and rye.
Slayed the enemy and made them die.
But Jörgen let some get away,
So he could slay them another day.

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Old Mother Hybbörd
Smashed a Celt’s cupboard
To fetch her Great Dane a bone.
The door she did break
And found a nice steak
Which she shared with him when they got home.

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Hyörgenddy Byörgenddy.
My son Jon.
Went to bed with his armour on.
One boot off, and one boot on.
Hyörgenndy Byörgenndy
My son Jon.

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Thron,  Thron, the Viking Son,
Took a pig, but did not run.
He stood his ground: “I take what’s mine!”
“Tonight I feast!  On pork I’ll dine!”

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Yåck be nimble.
Yåck be quick.
Yåck go plunder the candle stick.

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Little Bo Peep
Can’t find all her sheep
But that’s the least of her worries.
With Vikings invading,
Her farm they’ll be raiding.
Run! Bo Peep! Run!
And hurry!

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Helga, Helga.
What’d I tell ya?
By Thor, does your garden sure grow.
With Silver Bells
And Cockle Shells
And enemy skulls in a row.

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Row, row, row your drakkar.
Boldly on the Sea.
Scarily! Scarily! Scarily! Scarily!
A Viking’s life, for me!

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Leif and Jìyll
Went up the hill
To claim a pail of water.
Leif did yell “Let’s burn the well!”
And Jìyll came pillaging after.

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Roses are red,
The color of Blood.
Be nice to Vikings.
Or your name is Mud.