Friar’s Random Management-Speak Generator

If Large Corporations Were Run By Vikings

Meetings would not be allowed to drag on past their alloted time.

aa

Cafeterias would be heavily subsidized, with a heavy emphasis on roast animal.

aa

Profanity would not be tolerated..it would be encouraged.

a

a

Grievances would get heard.

a

a

Career advancement would be tough, but fair

a

a

“Challenging” a co-worker would take on a whole new meaning.

a

a

All staff would be required to speak the language of their forefathers.    Disobedience would be dealt with harshly.

a

a

We would finally get a truly paperless office.

a

a

The company’s year-end plunder would be shared fairly among the deserving employees…

a

a

…while imcompetent management would be cast adrift in the North Sea.

The Shittiest Cafeteria in the World.

If I wanted to run the Shittiest Cafeteria in the World,  this is how I’d go about doing it:

The first thing I’d do is locate it where I’d be guaranteed a monopoly:  right in the middle of Butt-Scrape nowhere.  On Company property, where employees only had 40 minutes for lunch and the nearest restaurant down the road was 15 minutes away.

I’d also make damned sure the Company didn’t subsidize anything, so that I could mark up my prices exorbitantly.  In fact, I’d charge even MORE than that same restaurant down the road.

I’d have a huge mural showing brightly-colored photos of the freshest fruit and produce, glistening with morning dew….which would in NO WAY would resemble the soggy fare I’d be serving in plastic cups.

I’d use bread as filler for the hamburgers….but I wouldn’t even bother trying to hide it.   No…I’d deliberately leave the bread in 1/4-inch sized chunks, so that everyone can see them embedded in the burger, like so many grease-soaked croutons.

I’d make sure there were no ready-made sandwiches to eat, not like most places have.   This way,  anyone who’s in a rush would have to wait in line for 10 minutes, while we’d make each and every sandwhich on demand.    Which would also be more expensive than Subway.

By the way, if anyone wanted a slice of processed cheese on one of these sandwiches, I’d charge a dollar…(A DOLLAR)!

I’d start putting out pizza on the rotating heat-trays at 10:30 AM, so that by the time it’s 12 Noon, the melted cheese would have the consistency of a soccer ball.   (Providing there’s any pizza left, at this point.)

I’d make sure to foster feelings of mistrust with the customers.   If someone came to the cash with a Styrofoam container, I’d make them open it, to prove they were buying just the toast like they said they were, and not trying to pull a fast one.

I’d also post signs pointing out the napkins and straws and condiments are for “paying customers only”.  Just to make sure that anyone brown-bagging their lunch didn’t get any ideas.   (Never mind that there’s nowhere else on-site to sit down and eat…that’s irrelevant!)

I’d further discourage brown-baggers by having (maybe) 4 working microwaves, for a staff of 2500.    I’d post more signs, saying that if the microwaves were not kept clean, they would be removed.

I’d make getting free water as inconvenient as possible.    There would only be two available water coolers located at the far end of the eating area, and I’d only leave out thimble-sized drinking glasses.   This way, people might get fed up and would be more prone to buying my over-priced beverages.

If the toaster-conveyor-belt machine broke, where it only browned one side of the bread, I’d make sure it didn’t get fixed for at least three months.  Maybe four.

If someone came in at the end of the day, and there was tons of food in the hot trays waiting to be thrown out,  I’d still serve them a regulation-sized portion…and not ONE iota more.

I’d post a sign proudly stating that we apply FME Principles.     “Foreign Material Exclusion” is important, if you want to avoid getting thumbtacks in the soup again.

I’d make sure the doors and metal cupboards were locked at night, to keep the raccoons out of the food.  Because those varmints somehow always manage to break in.

One last thing.  I’d pay my staff shit.   So that they became just as jaded and burnt out as my customers were.

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a

How would you run YOUR Shittiest Cafeteria in the World?

Twelve Halloween Costumes for the Workplace

1.  Grunta-saurus Rex

Quite common, actually.  Suitable for Project Managers, bosses, etc.  who’s only “motivational” technique consists of growling and threatening their staff.   Costume comes with extra sharp claws.
s
s
2. Slugs

Not a reflection on one’s work ethic.   Rather, a good reminder to the worker-peons on where they stand in the corporate food chain.  (Just above algae and nematodes, but below the lesser-vertebrates).
x
x

3. The Procedure Queen

For those who live, eat and sleep for paperwork, but who couldn’t wipe their  own arse if there wasn’t a procedure to explain how to do it.

(Arse-wiping Procedure included, for $12.99 extra)
Thiss
s

4.  The Walking Brain-Dead

For senior-manager types…
xx
x

5. Huge DoucheBag

Reserved exclusively for senior executives, who collect their gold-plated retention bonuses and stock options, while their company flounders and the regular staff get laid off.

Bag of money comes extra.
x
x

6. The Phantom of the Office

For the self-imposed Soup-Martyrs, who forgo lunch hour and sit working at their desk, with nothing more to eat than a bowl of watered-down broth.

Costume comes with sack-cloth and ashes.
x
X

7.  Anagram-Guy

A great way to recognize office idiots who can’t speak freaking English, unless the first letters of every word combine to make another word.
x
X

8 . Soul-Sucking Vampire

Costume can also be used as a Human Resource Manager.    You decide.

X
X

9.  Clunk-FuK™ the Mindless Safety Robot

Clunk-FuK™ likes to focus on the most trivial, painfully obvious safety tips, while totally ignoring the more serious issues.

Also great for helping train staff, during Safety Orientation Week.

x
X

10.  Pavlov The Dog

Perfect the Wannabee Yes-Men, who slaver and drool at whatever comes out of their bosses’ mouth.
X
X
11.  Dr. Spaztard the Mad Scientist

Are you a brilliant PhD scientist put in charge of multi-million dollar project?  Do you also have the social skills of Rain-Man?

Then THIS is the costume for you!
x
x

12.    Corporate Drones/Worker Bees

Like the slug costume, a great way of reminding staff on where they stand in the grand scheme of things.

Buckets are included.  But you can’t keep the pollen.

Legitimate Ways to Passively-Aggressively Fight the Man.

Disclaimer: Use only if it doesn’t affect safety, and if you’ve reached that  Zen-like state of apathy-burnout and are willing to suffer the consequences.

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Take the elevator instead of the stairs, even if your office is on the 2nd floor.  (Don’t give the workplace any more energy than you absolutely have to).    You can do your exercise when you get home, when your “real” life starts.

If you’re a highly-trained professional, and you’re given a menial task,  just do it.   Relish the though of how much money these bosons are wasting,  paying your salary to do something a high-school kid can do.   And while you’re at it, take your time to make sure the job’s done RIGHT.

Turn down any “promotion” that requires more work but doesn’t increase your pay. (It’s never happened to me before, but I’ve seen colleagues do this, and I admire them for it).

If there’s a legitimate safety concern that could delay the project, run with it.  Notify your supervisors via company email (now it’s on record).   This is a double bonus, because not only will they have to deal with it, but you’ve done the right thing, morally and ethically.   This is one you can feel good about (even though you might end up in the dog-house).

If a toxic boss is making a jackass of themselves in a meeting because they don’t have their facts right, just keep your mouth shut and let ’em ramble on.   (Besides, you’d probably get scolded for correcting them).

When they ask for volunteers for extra duty (i.e. Emergency Steward or First Aid Rep), don’t.   It’s not like you’ll make less money.

During meetings scheduled during lunch, bring your food with you.   Make a point to eat noisily, and try to make a mess. (Sloppy Joes work best).

Any left-over cans of pop or juice from meetings are fair game.  Fill your pockets.  (They’ve  already been paid for…and who’s to say how many drinks you’re allowed?)

If there’s a real lame-ass task and you’re given a deadline (i.e. clean the papers off your desk by next week), do it JUST before the deadlines.  Not one minute sooner.

Politely decline company social events held during office hours, where you’re expected to use your own vacation time to attend.  (Seriously, you have GOT to be shitting me!)

Don’t be one of those martrys-poltroons who never take a break, and then retire with 26 weeks of unused vacation.    Spend as much time away form the office as you’re officially allowed to.  Use ALL your vacation days and free floater days and banked time, etc.    Never carry anything over, unless you’re planning on an even longer break the following year.

If you have decent benefits, and you’re having major surgery, don’t be a Jesus-hero.   Milk the sick leave as long as you can.  If the doctor says recovery will be four-to-six weeks, take the full six.  He’ll write you a note, and they can’t say anything.   The company will survive.  Besides, you’re entitled.

If you see a way of slightly improving something (i.e. making a spreadsheet more efficient), keep your mouth shut.    Let the Bean-Counters muddle their way through as they always have.   (Besides, they KNOW better…if you question their methods, they’ll resent you).

De-Recruit.  If a summer-student is considering working here permanently when they graduate,  candidly take them aside and tell them the God’s honest truth about this place.  Again, this is one you can feel good about.  You’re doing the kid a favor.

If you get scolded for chatting too much at work, then talk about work-related matters to the person who scolded you, and ONLY work-related items.   Be a robot in front of them. (After all, isn’t that what they wanted?)

Finally, don’t question, don’t’ argue, don’t’ THINK…  Do EXACTLY what they tell you. (And be careful to document it via email).

….Given the way some companies work, often that alone will be enough to grind the process to a screeching halt.

The Office Count-Down

Remember when you were five and you misbehaved?  And your parents would count to three?

“One!….Two!…..THR…”

But of course, they’d never get to three.

Because in those few seconds between “Two!” and “THR..”,  that’s the point at which you’d cave and start acting right again.

Because you’d be too terrified of what would happen if Mom or Dad ever finished the dreaded three-count.

(Probably nothing too serious, actually).

You were almost tempted to find out, though.    But it just wasn’t worth the risk.

And your parents knew you’d never call their bluff.   That’s why they used three-count was used so often.

But it only works up to a certain point.

Because as kids get older, they get smarter, and they start pushing the boundaries and questioning authority.

Idle threats used on a five-year will no longer work on an older child. He won’t feel respected, and he won’t respect his parents.

Good parents realize this, and they’ll adapt by using more sophisticated, age-appropriate methods of discipline.

****************************

Fast-forward, 40 years.

At the Factory, they want everyone to fill in their Weekly Timesheet Forms (WTF’s)  by Monday Noon.    No exceptions.

Because the World will End.   Civilization as We Know It will cease.  If  the bean-counters don’t get their WTF’s by Monday.

And they’re going to enforce this.

If you miss the deadline the first time, your manager will have a chat with you.

If you miss the deadline the second time, then the Director will have a chat with you.

But if you miss the deadline for (gasp!) the THIRD time…(Wait for it…)

…then you will get a one-on-one chat with the SENIOR DIRECTOR-GENERAL GRAND-POO-BAH:  Lester McFester.

And BELIEVE ME (they tell us, trying to get us to tremble in our boots), you do NOT want to he having THAT chat with Mr. McFester!

****************************

Sigh.

It’s like “One….Two…THR”,   all over again.

But I’m not five anymore.

One of these days, I’m  NOT gonna fill in my WTF’s.

Just to see what happens.

What’s Lester gonna do?

HIT ME?

How Companies will Assist you in Blowing Your Own Job Interview

Your footwear is wrong
Seriously.  For one of my interviews, the Head-hunter warned me to make sure my shoes were nice and polished.  Because the manager was “Old School” and he placed a lot of value on a man’s shoes.

So…never mind my qualifications, experience, or personality.   If my shoes are scuffed,  Mr. Chunder-Head will disqualify me.

An, sure enough, when I met him,  that’s one of the first things he looked at.   My SHOES…

Silly me.  Had I known this, I wouldn’t have spent all that time getting my PhD and accumulating all that job experience.   I coulda saved all that aggravation, and just bought some black Kiwi Shoe Polish.

You shake hands the wrong Way
Too weak, and you’re a wuss.  Too strong, and you’re aggressive.   The handshake has to be juuuuuuust right.

Jesus Christ….can someone please do an experimental study with a strain-gauge?    Help us determine the optimal pounds-per-square-inch of handshake pressure to apply, to save us from the Unemployment Line.

You order the wrong food
If the interview includes a lunch or dinner, don’t order anything too expensive, or you’ll look like you’re taking advantage of them.    But if you’re too frugal, you’ll look like a tool, like you’re someone that can’t fit in with the group.

Whatever you order, remember:  the price has to be juuuuuuuust right.

Oh, and God Forbid, do NOT spill any food or drink on your clothes.   Or you’ll blow it right there.

Interview meals (Shudder).    I’d rather play with live cobras.

Not being perfectly punctual.
Obviously,  being late is a big no-no.  But showing up too early isn’t good either.   Now you get to sit in the lobby and wait for your interviewers to arrive, while you look too eager and desperate.

Remember…your timing has to be juuuuuuuust right.

Show up exactly on time, but still get burned for it.
Happened to me once.   I met my interviewers at exactly 2:00 PM at a  pub. (I think it was calle The Thrusting Pig or something, but that’s besides the point).    Click and Clack were still eating, and apparently weren’t’ ready for me yet.

There was an awkward moment.  These two bosons almost seemed annoyed, and didn’t invite me to sit down with them.   They said to give them another 10 minutes or so, and went on talking among themselves.

(What?)   I was almost ready to walk out at that point.    But I decided to go to the bar for a pint of beer, and waited for them to come and get me.

When they did, they seemed pissed off:  How how come I didn’t’ bring my beer over and join them?

Oh yeah.  That was a GREAT start to a lousy interview.

Another interviewer blows your chances, and it’s not your fault
Once a junior engineer was assigned to take me out to lunch.   I just followed his lead (after all, he was part of the Interview Team).   But it turns out he brought me back late, which threw the whole afternoon interview schedule off.

Some of the senior managers were visibly annoyed.  The one who might have been my future boss  kept glaring at me.    It was obviously MY fault.

Right then and there…GAME OVER.

You don’t solve their lame-ass brainstorming question.
Picture this:  a man is in a boat, in a very small pond.  There’s a large anchor in the boat, which he throws overboard.  This will lighten his boat and make it float higher out of the water.  But the anchor will also make the water level in the pond rise slightly.

So what happens to the level of the water in the pond? Does it go up and down?

This is how my interview started.   The idiot woudln’t talk to me.  He just gave me pencil and paper to solve the problem, and left me alone for 15 minutes.

For THIS, I took half a day off work and drove 120 miles?   To play their cat-and-mouse game of “Let’s see how we can get this guy to work under pressure” ?

F**k.    Right.   Off.

Needless to say, I was annoyed enough, and didn’t remember my 1st year physics enough, that I didn’t’ solve the puzzle.    (Oooh, that’s probably a black mark against me!)

But at that point, I didn’t care.  I had already lost considerable interest in the company.

You have the nerve to ask about your travel expenses
Good companies will pay for your gas, meals, motels, etc.   They’ll even arrange for your lodgings ahead of time, and cut you a check for your gas before you arrive.

BAD companies will expect you to drive 200 miles to be interviewed, out of the goodness of your heart.   And if you ask about travel expenses, you get awkward looks:  the cheap bastards try to make YOU out to be the bad guy.

Hmph.  Just as well.  Who’d want to work for a company like that, anyway?

(By the way, this was the SAME company that gave me the anchor-boat problem).

You Interview the Anti-Christ
Have you ever had this moment:  You first meet your interviewer, you make eye-contact and shake hands…and in that first split second….it’s like a jolt of bad electricity?….it feels so WRONG?

Congratulations.  What you got there is the Interview Anti-Christ.    It takes on different shapes and forms.   But regardless, It has decided It already hates you, and you don’t’ stand a chance.

Yet It will still go through the motions, for what turns out to be the nastiest, most disastrous interview of your life.

Next time that happens, when I feel that bad chemistry, I’ll take out the Holy Water, and splash them.   If they hiss as it burns them, I’ll just turn around and leave.

You have a questionable reference
This has never happened to me.  But I’ve heard annectodal stories from a hiring manager.   If he’s interested in a candidate,  he’ll phone one of the references, and will ask them to describe so-and-so.

If the other person waivers (“…well….“) that would be enough to turn him off.   He’s told me that all it takes is that SPLIT SECOND of hesitation, and he wont’ hire that person.

Hol-Lee Crap.   If that’s all it takes…..wow.    It’s amazing any of us ever find jobs.

Be Born after 1960
Anybody today looking for work  knows how much the whole process sucks.    Getting a decent job can take months of planning, networking,  cold-calls..and that’s just to get an interview.

Woudln’t it have been nice to have grown up as a Baby-Boomer?    No c.v.’s, no pounding the pavement.

If you wanted work, you’d just show up to the Personnel Office,  fill in the job application form (in PEN), and you’d get hired on the spot, for the next 35 years, with full benefits and pension.

No advanced education needed, either.  You just needed your Grade 12  to apply, and company would train you.

And yet…these same baby boomers (now retired)  expect Senior Discounts at McDonalds.

If Households Were Run The Way Large Corporations Are…

At each and every weekly family meeting, the location of the front and back door is pointed out, in case of fire.    (Just in case someone somehow forgets how to leave the house).

Mom and Dad blow $10,000 on a weekend  “retreat” at luxurious 5-star resort, for the purpose of  “determining the family’s path forward”.    Upon their return, they announce that money is tight, and there will be no more McDonald’s.   Ever.

Baby’s first words aren’t  “ma-ma” or “da-da”.   They’re  “commitment”, “challenge” and  “expectations”.

Sis is assigned as the Directing Manager of the ARF (Animals Receive Food) Committee.   After 6 months of assessment,  her first act is to put Rover on a strictly vegan diet.   Everyone applauds this decision.  (Except Rover).

The parents use lame-ass acronyms to remind the kids to do their chores.  “Remember PTA:  Put Toys Away!”     “Okay, everyone, let’s apply MOB principles!  Make our Beds!”.

A graphic artist is then hired to print these lame-ass acronyms on small laminated cards,  for family members to wear around their neck along with their Family ID.

For his allowance, Big Brother has to do three times the work his younger brother does, but they both basically get the same money.  When Big Brother questions the fairness of this, he’s profusely scolded and is told:   “Well, it might seen unfair, but that’s that way it is.”

To get a raise in their allowance, every kid has to fill out 5 pages of forms saying what they did all year, and then have a one-on-one meeting with their folks.  When all is said and done, the parents give everyone pretty much the same increase.   It’s the equivalent of one extra stick of gum a week.

Parents can be as abusive as they want, and get away with it.   If the kids complain, they’re told “At least be grateful that you have a family“.

Mom invents a new “improved” method of vacuuming the living room that accomplishes the same thing, but takes twice a long.   Everyone is forced to learn it.

Dad refuses to pay his son $5.00 to wash the car, because it’s too much.    Instead, he’ll hire his golf buddy down the street, and pay him $50.00 to do the same job.

Mom tracks how often Dad takes out the garbage on time, and calculates some kind of GDI (“Garbage Disposal Index”).   The GDI results are presented at the next Quarterly Family Meeting, using colorful Powerpoint graphs.   Nobody knows what the hell Mom’s talking about.   Not even Mom.

Any dead-beat parents are absolved of all responsibility, and are sent away with huge wads of cash.

BBQ time requires the cook to wear a face-shield, rubber apron and fire-retardant gloves.  A yellow tape barrier would mark off the back yard, preventing any unauthorized access.   A fire-truck has to be within 50 feet at all times, on stand-by.    There has to be a PSB (Pre-Steak Briefing) before the propane is even allowed to be turned on.

Meanwhile, there’s no food in the cupboards, because it’s taken 8 weeks to complete an “Optioneering Study” to decide what to put on the grocery list.

Junior’s failing report card is proudly displayed on the fridge.    Because he failed less than his other classmates did, his grades are considered a “success” to the Organization.

Nobody’s allowed in the tree-house until they have proper training in fall-arrest equipment.  Safety harnesses are required for anyone climbing about 6 feet.

There’s a 20 page procedure on how to do  the laundry.  It dates back to 1972, referring to a washing machine that no longer exists.

When baking,  Mom has to have an MSDS (Material Data Safety Sheet) for every ingredient.   The MSDS sheets have to be kept in a master 3-ring binder, by the phone, in case anyone gets injured or poisoned by eating too much sugar or flour.

A pipe breaks, and the basement’s filling with water.  But nobody’s paying any attention.   Everyone’s in the middle of a 2-hour ODM (Operational Decision Meeting) to debate the proper technique for washing your hands before supper.

Every year, the household spends twice as much money as it takes in.   But no problem.  The Government covers all costs.

It makes me wonder…

…why, for “safety” reasons,  some workplaces insist on announcing the locations of fire exits at each and every meeting.  Even though everyone might work in that building anyway, which they somehow manage to enter and exit on a regular daily basis.

…when a company might blow countless millions on a mismanaged project, and they think they can help make up for this by giving up coffee at meetings.

…why the Safety Nannies will give out instructions on how to wash your hands, wear a hat outside when it’s cold, or eat properly during Christmas.   Yet it will take weeks to fix blatant safety hazards like broken steps or missing railings.

…why the food is cheaper at the restaurant down the road, where they come to your table and serve you, than it is at the company cafeteria.

…when Rocket Scientists come up with corporate acronyms that are 10-letters long, and assume this will make the ten associated buzzwords easier to remember.

…when it’s presumed that using double envelopes to ship a document improves security. (Because we all know that extra layer of paper will be more than enough to thwart any potential bad guys!)

…why Fearless Leaders feel the need to take 40 minutes (instead of 40 seconds) to explain to a room full of engineers the intricate concepts of using blue-boxes to recycle.

…why the air conditioning is still on when it’s 50 degrees outside.   Or the heat is still on when it’s 80 degrees.

…when a six-figure manager will spend $20.00 of their salary collecting old sheets and printing both sides, in order to save save 45 cents worth of paper.

…why they’ll change the name of a department, spending countless thousands of dollars on new letterheads, business cards, documents, etc.   Even though it’s the same people doing the same work as before.

What things do YOU wonder about…?

How to Reduce Morale and Sabotage your own Company

Eliminate the communal coffee pot in order to save money.  Then send ten of your senior executives to a cushy four-star resort, as part of a “Team Building” exercise.

Hold a charity event during office hours, but tell your staff they must use their own vacation time if they want to participate.  Then gush to the media how how wonderful your company is for helping out the community.

Schedule meetings during lunch.  Cleverly disguise the fact that you’re making those poor suckers work during their break by calling it a “Lunch-and-Learn”.

At Lunch-and-Learns, it’s especially fun to serve hot pizza.  But have it delivered at noon, and let the food sit there for 40 minutes and get cold before giving anyone permission to eat.

In the interest of saving $20 on a $500,000 budget, exclude a key Project Team Member from a business lunch.  Tell them it’s because “Money is tight.”   Chuckle to yourself as you eat, when you think of them brown-bagging it alone.

Re-invent a procedure so that it now takes twice as long to do the same job.  Then give a 60 minute Powerpoint presentation on why this is a good thing.

Allow selected employees (especially those with children) to work from home when urgent personal matters need attending to.   Do NOT extend this same privileges to single people. (Serves ’em right, for deciding not to breed!)

Respect and praise your treat your staff in inverse proportion to the education they’ve received (i.e. treat your junior admin staff like royalty, and your PhD’s like crap).

Implement a performance review system, where everyone basically gets the same pay raise, regardless of how well they did.   But make everyone go through the whole procedure anyway, like it actually makes a damned difference.

Treat your salaried staff like hourly workers.  Don’t measure success on what someone actually accomplishes at the end of the day.  (It’s how long they actually sit at their desk that really matters).

Hold a meeting for 4 straight hours, without giving anyone a coffee or bathroom break. (If you can last that long, so can THEY!).

Schedule work-related technical seminars during lunch or after-hours. (If people want to professionally develop, they can do it on their OWN time!).

Remember that “Safety First” dosen’t actually apply for actual safety concerns.    Rather, it’s to provide lip-service to such trivial items like reminding us to wash our hands, or telling us to hold the railing when walking on slippery steps.

The more important a deadline is, the more you must remind the person that it needs to be done ASAP.   And when they finally complete it, extend the due date.

Hold a Christmas Lunch during office hours.  But make people pay for the meal themselves.   And don’t even call it a “Christmas” Lunch.  Use the word “Holiday” instead.   And if people still want to attend, tell them they have to use their own vacation time to go.

“Promote” someone to a position with more responsibility but with no extra pay. Then intimidate and scold them if they have the nerve to ask for a modest salary increase.   Then hire a retiree/contractor at $100 an hour, who’s already collecting a full pension.

If you want to chew someone out, remember to do it in public, in front of their peers.   Now, EVERYONE will know you’re an a-hole, and not just that one person.

Try to keep at least a ten-to-one ratio, when handing out “You screwed up“‘s versus “Atta-boy“‘s.

Assign a new-hire to a mentor who’s known to be socially inept and dysfunctional.   When they can’t get along, blame the newbie.

Hold an afternoon BBQ and “Fun Day” for the summer students, but do nothing for the full-time staff. Then announce in the company newsletter what a great job the students did, and how important they are to the company.

Insult everyones’ intelligence with a lame-ass  presentation (i.e. 45-minute seminar how to put recycled items into the Blue-Box).   Then repeat the same talk, 6 months later.

Never mind micro-management. Try nano-management. Or better yet, pico-management.