Science that I’m Ungrateful For

The Large Hadron Colider
When they got this thing up and running, some people were worried it would smash together subatomic particles with such force that it would create a black hole,  which could eventually swallow the entire earth.

AWESOME!!!   …How cool is THAT?

But as it turns out, this bajillion-dollar gizmo ran for about week, then glitched.  Now it’s been shut down for almost a year.

Borrrrr-ring …..Thanks for coming out.

….NEXT.

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The Triple Point of Water
Solid, liquid and gas.  All present at the same time.

Hmph.   NOT the best time to be outdoors.

If you don’t believe me, just go to the top of Mt. Trembant, Quebec, in January.

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Dark Energy
This mysterious force is pushing our universe apart.  We still dont’ know what it is.

But if things keep up the way they are,  eventually all the galaxy clusters will spread out and never see each other again.   Stars will die off, and the Universe will ultimately become a cold, dark lonely place.

Forever.

Boy.  Talk about a Buzz-Kill.

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String Theory
According to some Egg-heads, everything we see is made up of tiny 10-dimensional vibrating strings.   Only they’re curled up inside sub-atomic particles, and are so small, that we can’t see them.

Yeahhhh, right.

Hey, I got a theory too.    Neutrinos have little Vikings inside them that like to have sword fights.   Every time their weapons clash, a photon is emitted.

Prove to me that my idea isn’t’ just as valid…..

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Friction
Friction, you’re the reason I scrape my knee when I fall.

You’re why I need to change the oil in my car.

And why we can never have perpetual-motion toys.

Jerk.

But then again, if you didnt’ exist, I woudlnt’ be able to sit down my chair right now and type this.

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Jupiter’s Rings
Bet you forgot . But Jupiter has rings.

But they’re so lame-ass,  only the best telescopes can see them.   In fact, they didn’t even get discovered until 1979 by the Voyageur I space probe.

Hey, Jupiter, nice ANNULUS.

What did you do?   Borrow Saturn’s hand-me-downs?

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Astatine
This is one of the rarest naturally-occurring elements.  Less than one ounce is present in the entire earths’ crust.

Sorry, but in MY books, that doesn’t consist of a real element….ASS-tatine!

Same thing applies for you, Francium.  Not to mention all those other short-lived trans-uranic elements with half-lives in the microseconds.

Why don’ you guys just get the hell off the Periodical Table, and make room for elements that DESERVE to be there.

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Nano-Kelvins
Perfect Absolute Zero is impossible to obtain.

But in the lab, they did manage to come within 0.0000000001 degrees of it.

But…um…what’s with that “1″, after all those “0″’s?

Just WHO does he think he IS?

I don’t care what anyone says, I’m calling this one ZERO.

(Close enough, for crying out loud!)

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Singularities
You know which singularies I’m talking about:

The ones you find in the middle of  black hole, where the gravity is so strong,  whatever mass there is collapses into zero volume.

I’m sorry, but that’s just WRONG.

(It just messes with my head!)

Singularities, nobody likes you!

Especially quantum physicists.

Lame-Ass Things They Tried To Get Us To Like as Kids.

Soccer-Baseball
Soccer is fine.  Baseball is fine.   But when you combine the two…I’m sorry..it just SUCKS.

First of all, it was mostly just the 2-3 alpha kids who ever get up to “bat”.

And second, there were never enough players, so when the ball got kicked to kingdom come,  you’d spend forever chasing it and nobody would ever get tagged out.

And by the time it was FINALLY your turn to kick,  everyone wanted to quit out of sheer frustration and/or boredom.

I have NEVER seen a game played to completion.   I suspect this stupid activity was something lazy Phys-ed teachers came up with, just to occupy the kids till gym class is over.

Crafts from Recycled Trash
I don’t know who came up with the idea of teaching kids to “make things” out of trash.   Probably granola teachers, and TV Ontario (or PBS).

But what a stupid idea.

Oooh.  Look at us.  We’re recycling.

Yeah, right.

Seriously.   How much has the volume of municipal landfill sites been reduced, by 5-year-olds making caterpillars out of old egg cartons?

My guess is 0.00000001%.

And it’s not like these were treasured heirlooms that would stay in the family for generations.    No, they ended up in the dump next week,  when Mom threw them out to make room for the NEXT crappy project we brought home.

We werent’ reducing waste…we were just postponing it.

Arts and Craps Crafts in General
Pink construction paper, Elmers Glue, and pipe cleaners that were never supposed to see a pipe.   Is there any practical use for this junk, for anyone over age 8?

Just goes to prove:   Arts and Crafts was really just “busy work” designed to us screaming brats from killing each other for the next 30 minutes.

Teach a kid REAL art:  painting, drawing and sculpting….and who knows?  His stuff might be hanging in an art gallery one day.

But teach a kid Arts and Crafts, and the best you can hope for is a googly-eyed pinecone Santa.   That might sell for $2.99 at the Splat Creek Regional Craft Fair.

Might. .

Hot glue-gun, anyone?

Educational TV Shows
Parents would encourage us (or only allow us) to watch Educational TV.   Pablum-flavored drivel that you’d only find on PBS or CBC.

And we’d would pay lip-service to it.   At least it was TV…it was better than no TV.  And we wouldn’t get yelled at for watching it.  That was the only reason we tolerated it.

But parents…dont’ be fooled.  We knew damned well these shows were NOT the “real thing”.    At the first opportunity (like at a friend’s house) we’d be back to watching Tasmanian Devils swallow turkey-sized sticks of dynamite, or bears steal Pick-a-Nick baskets.

Now THAT was the stuff kids liked to talk about at recess (and still do)….NOT how Caillou learned how to share.


Giving Up Candy for Lent (*)

(*) Only applies if  you were raised Catholic.  Obviously.

Nobody really TOLD us we had to give up candy during Lent.   But between the priests, teachers and parents, it was kind of IMPLIED that we should.

Nothing like a good old fashionned Catholic Guilt Trip. (If Jesus can die on the cross for you sins, surely you can give up candy for a few weeks).

Every time I’d question what the point of all this was, what good did it do me…?    adults would give the same boilerplate answer:

“It builds charcter”

(To my dying day, I’ll never really undestand what they meant by that…nor do I care to).

Charater Shmaracter.  I just wanted my damned candy.

And I say…LET the kids have it.

The poor beggars will have more than enough opportunity to “build charcter” as adults, when they spend the next three decades being told what to do in a cubicle farm.

The least we could do is cut them some slack right now.

Scaring the Crap out of Kids: 20 Truths They Should Know About Adulthood.

1.  You can’t just get up and run around and play like you do now.   You’ll have stretch and warm up first.  Otherwise, you’ll tear a muscle or hurt yourself.

2.  You can’t just knock on your friend’s door and ask them to play.  No, they’ll be “busy” and their entire summer will be “booked”.   If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see them 8 weeks from today.

3.  Even if you DO manage to get together with your friends, be aware that you won’t actually “play” anything.   Grownups prefer to have dinner, and then spend 3 hours telling “stories” about what happened to them God knows when.  Imagine the fun you’ll have.

4.  And if you’re a woman,  you can’t just show up empty-handed.  You have to BRING SOMETHING to eat.    And it has to be something that took you hours to make, by your own two hands.    It can’t be store-bought, that doesnt’ count.  (Kind of like the Christmas cards they force you to make in school).

5.  Nobody’s stopping you from going into the store and buying all the candy you want to.   Only now you don’t want to.

6.  You’ll be too busy to just get on a bike and go for a ride.   Instead, you’ll drive an hour to go to the gym to use their stationary bike for 30 minutes.

7.   Imagine getting a huge allowance, but you have to give half the money back to your Dad.     Welcome to the world of Income Tax.

8.   You no longer look forward to getting new toys or games.   Instead, you’ll get “excited” about showing your friends the new drapes for the living room.

9.  You know all that stuff you’re working so hard to learn in school:   geometry, algebra, dissecting frogs…?  You’ll never use 99% of it in the real world.   EVER.

10.  You can watch whatever TV you want, including the “viewer discretion advised” shows.   But you won’t.  You’ll probably prefer something lame-ass,  like Gray’s Anatomy, or CBC Newsworld.

11.   Your Mommy no longer nags you about eating healthy and staying away from junk food.  That’s what the family doctor is for.

12.  There’s something men have called a “prostate” gland, and it’s NOT fun. (You’ll find out why, during your first physical checkup after age 30).

13.  You cant’ just eat whatever you want anymore.   You might get fat.   If you do, everyone will scold you and remind you of it at every meal.

14.  Even if you stay skinny, you still might have high cholesterol.  And everyone will scold you and remind you of it, at every meal.

15.  You know how much you hate naps right now?   When you’re a grown-up, you’ll actually ENJOY and LOOK FORWARD to them!

16.  The good thing is bullies aren’t around the schoolyard anymore.   The bad thing is that they’ve now moved to the workplace.   They don’t beat you up, but they can yell at you and make you feel angry and sad.  Which in some ways, is even worse.   There are no grown-ups to turn to for help.  Because you ARE the grown-ups.

17.  Are you thinking of becoming an astronaut?   Then you’ll need a PhD.   It will be like going to Grade 23.  (What grade are you in now?  Are you even one-quarter finished yet?)

18.  You’ll now have to pay for boring things like soap, socks, nail clippers and garbage bags.   Out of your own pocket.

19.   You know how teachers can tell you that you can be ANYTHING you want to be?   Well, not really.   Otherwise, everyone would be a jet-pilot or a hockey player.   It depends on a lot of things.    How smart you are, how much money you have, if you have the right body or not, and a LOT of luck.  And that’s just to start.   You also have to work at it.

20.  You’ll have to go to school for 25 years.  So you can learn to work at a job for 35 years.   So you can save enough money to enjoy the last 20 years of your life.   (IF you’re lucky to live that long!)

Small-town Momemts #561 and #562

Last year, I bought a cordless lawn trimmer from the local Crappy-Hardware store, which is part of a large nation-wide chain.

Last week,  the whipper-cord spool ran out, so I went back to the Crappy-Hardware to buy a refill.

They’d actually expanded the store since then.   It’s now a huge brand-new shiny building, filled to the ceiling with merchandise.   It’s on par with similar stores in the big cities.    So you’d think they’d be stocked with everything, right?

Right?

Nope.   They couldn’t find the refill spool I needed.

Not like they sold out and had some on back-order.

No, there wasn’t even an empty peg on the wall, to show where it might have been.  It’s like they decided to stop selling it.

They had re-fill spools for every make and model of lawn trimmer, EXCEPT for the one I had bought in their store.

(Pretty good.)

The 18 year old clerk didn’t know what to suggest.   Except that maybe I try the Crappy Hardware store in the other town,  45 minutes away.

(Even better.)

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Later that day,  I wanted to buy a Sudoku book for my mom.   You can buy these anywhere.

But, being in the generous mood I was in,  and wanting to support the community,  I thought: “Hey, why not give the bookstore in town some of my business instead?”

It was 4:50 PM, I thought I can just make it before closing time.   I mean..that’s when MOST normal businesses operate, right?

Right?

Big suprise.  The store said “CLOSED”.

Silly me, I should have realized that on Saturday, they only work from 10:00 to 4:00 PM.

But AT LEAST there was a small sign on the bookstore’s  front door, reminding us to “Buy Local”.

I love shopping in this town.

Really, I do.

A Tale of Two Brothers

Once upon a time, there were two brothers.

Both were clever young men, and both worked at well-paying jobs for large companies.

Brother One worked at Flipperty-Jibbit, Inc., while Brother Two worked for the Sinkhole Widget Factory.

One day, both brothers received some terrible news.  Their mother had been in an accident.  Both brothers rushed over to the hospital to make sure she was being taken care of.

It turns out their mother had suffered a serious injury, and would have to remain in the hospital for several months.   Both brothers wanted to stay with her as much as possible, but both also had to work for a living.

So once their mother was stable, they reluctantly returned to their jobs, to work as best they could.   They would visit their Mother on evenings and weekends.

Now, you can probably imagine how difficult that first week was when Brother One and Brother Two were back at work.

I expect they were so worried about their Mom, they had a hard time concentrating on their tasks.  They were probably often distracted.

In fact, it wouldn’t’ surprise me if  at least one of them would often be found on the the verge of crying while sitting at their desk.

Now, both brother’s bosses knew about their mothers’ situation.   And each boss provided guidance to each brother, in their own special way.

Brother One’s boss showed sympathy, and every day, asked how his mother was doing.   Boss One went easy on Brother One, and did not expect him to work very hard that week.

Brother Two’s boss also showed sympathy on the first day.   But on the 2nd day, Brother Two was reprimanded.   Boss Two told Brother Two he had been chatting too much with another co-worker.

Brother Two was told that he was expected to work so many hours a day, minus lunch and two coffee breaks.    Non-work-related chatting was discouraged.   He was accused of distracting several co-workers, and was told that next time, he should tell the other co-worker to leave his office.

Now, let’s imagine how each brother felt after talking to their boss.

Brother One probably felt a teeny bit little less sad and worried.  His boss probably helped made things a teeny bit better, in their own small way.

Brother Two, on the other hand, probably felt just as sad and worried as before, if not more so.   His boss did not help things at all.  In fact they probably made things worse.

Brother One probably felt a little bit more respect and loyalty or his company.

As for Brother  Two… he probably didn’t know  WHAT to think.   But even if he did, I suspect it would have been some pretty harsh words, not suitable for children’s bed time stories.

The Moral of the Story is…well, there is none.  This is just Life.  Things happen.

But if you were one of the brothers, which boss and which company would YOU rather work for?

I know which one I would.

Feeling Superior

There’s something about Lake Superior that gets to me.   Especially the North Shore.

I don’t know what it is.  Superior doesn’t have any spectacular snow-capped peaks like the Rockies.  There aren’t any dramatic icefields or fjords like you find in Alaska.

Superior is just a big body of water, surrounded by lots of forest and rock.  Occasionally punctuated by a few towns trying to eke out a living out of the Canadian Shield.

Still, there’s something about the Lake that gets to me.

Part of it is the the sheer SIZE.  It’s not so much as a lake, but an inland sea, cutting a big chuck of the continent in two.  It takes a good 7-8 hours to drive from Sault. Ste. Marie to Thunder Bay (if you push it).

Imagine explaining this to someone from Australia:  a freshwater lake so big that it takes a good part of a DAY to drive past.

And the water is cold.  REALLY cold.    It could be late May, stinking hot and 80 degrees.  But as you drive around the Lake, you’ll get pockets of fog and suddenly feel the air cool like it came out of a giant refrigerator.

That’s Superior…reminding you of her presence.

(As for swimming…don’t even GO there!)

Another thing I like is the remoteness.   There are no huge cities and urban sprawl out here, like on the lower Great Lakes.  Even today, in the 21st century, Superiour still has huge tracts of roadless shoreline that you can’t get to except by boat.  If you can arrange to be dropped off, you can hike there for miles, and get a sense of how things looked like before Europeans arrived.

As for roads, the Trans-Canada Highway is still mostly single-lane.   In fact,  Lake Superior was one of the most difficult places to build the highway.  The connection between Wawa and Sault Ste. Marie didn’t get completed until 1960.

Just think, men were already starting to venture into space, but there were still sections in Northern Ontario that weren’t’ connected by road yet.

Superior is the unofficial dividing line between the crowded South and the still relatively unspoiled North.   When people talk about “North of Superior”, there’s a bit of reverence in their voice.

“North of Superior” evokes images of still-existing patches of virgin forest, loons swimming in pristine lakes and pinkish granite rock.  Not to mention fishing lodges only accessible by bush plane where you’re guaranteed to catch some whoppers.

Even the forests change as you around the lake.  The friendly maple trees and majestic white pine start to disappear, and give way to the haunting black spruce and scraggly birch trees of the Boreal Forest.    Reminding you that you’re a long way from home…and don’t get LOST in these woods, as the nearest help might be miles away.

Sometimes, Superior can be a darling.  At the right time of year, she’ll say “Come on in, the water’s fine“.

(And yes..in late summer, there ARE a few places where you can swim without hypothermia).

Some of the most refreshing swims you’ve ever had, that make you shiver, not with cold, but with sheer ecstasy as the blue-green water seeps into your armpits and between your toes.

And giardia be damned, sometimes you just want to stick your head under water and gulp in the cool, cool sweetness.

But on other days, Superior can be a bitch.   The sky will turn grey, the winds will pick up, and suddenly she’ll turn on you.

“Don’t MESS with me!“, she warns.

And you don’t.   Because she WILL mess with you, if you’re not careful.

Just ask the hundreds of boats that she’s shipwrecked.  Or unfortunate kayakers stranded on a remote island for three days because it was too rough to head back to shore.

But what I like best about Superior, is that it’s one of the few places on the planet where I can get my head right.

Whenever life gets to be too much,  I’ll make a special road trip, and sit on the shore.

I’ll stare at the infinity of the horizon, and feel the chest-thumping crashing and pounding of the waves.  And just take in the sheer POWER of it all.

And all the crap…the job, family issues, financial problems…it all melts away.

None of that means a damned thing out here.   Superior dosen’t care.   She’ll wash it away, and empty your mind.

It’s just you and the Lake.

And when you’re in this state of mind, if you listen carefully,  she’ll talk to you.

“Don’t worry, Friar.  It’s all right.   Everything’s going to be all right…”

And hearing that, alone, is worth the 10 hour drive.

At least for me, it is.

Money Well Spent

Back in 2001, I had a brief career in Hi-Tech.    I worked for THAT company.

You know..THAT company’s who’s stock skyrocketed, then crashed….

THAT company that laid off thousands of people.  (I was one of them).

THAT company that’s a heart-beat away from bankruptcy today.

Anyway, for the brief 8 months I worked there, I contributed to their pension fund.

It wasn’t much at the time.    But it’s even less today.

Though I still get income statements.  Including this one from 2008.

(*Insert sarcastic clapping here*)

Clap.  Clap.   Clap.

Bravo, Canada Revenue Agency.

Bravo.

Good job, making sure you keep track of that ONE PENNY I earned.

You cheesy weasel-bastards.

You know, any dumb-ass first-year programmer could have written some code, to say “If amount = $0.01, then ignore printing out costly tax receipt”.

But I guess that’s beyond the Tax Man’s comprehension.

I guess they prefer to spend the $10.00 in man-hours that it probably cost to process this information and send it to me.

But that’s okay.

I’m going to send in this receipt in my (late) tax return, out of principle.

Out of spite.

So that they can spend another $10.00 processing it all over again.

Travels with the Bear: High and Low Points

A while ago, I wrote about how Junior Bear has been from  Coast to Coast to Coast.

He’s also been at the highest and lowest places in North America.  (At least, the places you can get to by car).

Twice, actually.  Here are photos from both trips.

The high point  is Mount Evans, Colorado, at 14240 feet.

Normally, getting to 14,000 feet without an airplane involves investing a big chunk of time and physical exertion to hike there.   While also making sure you have enough food, water, proper clothing and survival gear.

But on Mount Evans, you can leisurely drive to the top in your Honda Civic.   Wearing shorts and flip-flops.   For crying out loud.

Why on God’s Earth would they build a road there?

Probably because they could.

Only in America.

(But of course, I still had to drive it!)

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The Low Point is Death Valley.   At 240 feet below sea level.

Like Mt. Evans, there’s nary a tree to be seen.  But for different reasons.

The temperature might have something to do with it…

You know when you’re cooking something in your kitchen, and you open the oven door, and there’s a sudden blast of hot dry air in your face?

Death Valley’s like that.

Except it’s not a one-time blast of hot air.  It’s continuous.

Lucky, my Honda Civic sat this one out, this time.

My friend was nice enough to lend me his air-conditioned truck.

Otherwise, the Bear would have melted.

Tipper Update

What a difference a week makes.

Last week, Tipper was found after being lost for 24 days.  She was a few steps away from starvation, and barely had the strength to walk.

Now, my sister reports that Tipper is back to her normal hyper self.  Running around, chasing the ball.

Friar’s Mom was trying to garden yesterday, and in typical Duck-Toller fashion, Tipper kept dropping the ball into her lap.    Over and over again.

Tipper,  time out.   All done.    (Can you PLEASE stop playing for FIVE minutes?)

She’s still skinny, but is filling out nicely . She no longer looks starving.

In fact, the dog’s become FINICKY with her food again.   She’s been given the canned high-nutrition supplement from the vet.  Now she expects it..and turns her nose up at her regular dry food.

Sheesh.  You’d think nothing had ever happened to her this past month.

But that’s dogs for you.

Live in the moment, they do.

Vikings Versus Dinosaurs

Who’s wining?

I call it a draw….