Random Ski Thoughts

You can get pretty interesting weather skiing out West.   

Literally, on the same morning, you can be skiing below the clouds…

…in the clouds…

..or above the clouds. 

Another thing I discovered while skiing on a remote gnarly bump-run…

..is that someone had carved and burned a demon-mask right into a tree. 

Now..THAT…is AWESOME.  (And I’m sure the Vikings would approve).

Going up the chairlift is also fun…

..because just where you get on, they have this ad for “Oxygen”.

I have no idea what “Oxygen” is, but I’m sure it’s…er…wonderful. 

(I mean…look how HAPPY it makes that woman! )

The Circle of Life

The Chinese have a word for it:  Yin and Yang.   

Complimentary opposites,  part of a greater whole.

It’s there, right in front of you…if you know where to look for it. 

Age versus Beauty.

Youth versus Wisdom.

Life versus Death.

The Endless Circle of Life.

We are all part of it.

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a(pffft…..snicker!)  

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Photo credit:  Friar’s Mom (who really likes bananas with her breakfast). 

Looking Through the Glass

 

An Optimist will say the glass is half-full

A Pessimist will say the glass is half-empty.

A Severe Optimist will burst into tears of gratitude,  and will write an inspiring blog post about being thankful for having access to clean drinking water, and a glass to hold it in.

An Engineer will say the glass is at 50% full capacity.

An Engineer Professor will point out that the cross-section of the glass varies with height (h).   In order to find the true volume (V)  one needs to integrate  (dV/dh) from  h(0) to h(final).

An English Major will get mad at the Engineer Professor’s explanation, because they don’t understand it.  

An English Professor will write a paper on “The Symbolism of a half-full glass, related to the juxtaposition of the American Dream and the plight of post-industrial Welsh Coal Miners.”. 

A Liberal will point out that the glass used to be more full,  but the last Neo-Conservative government drained it by giving tax breaks to their fat-cat corporate rich friends.  

A Conservative will point out that the glass could be much fuller, if the Liberals didnt’ insist on emptying  it all the time to fund their social services programs. 

An Environmentalist will say that we waste too much water, and that chlorine is killing the fishes and making the ice-caps melt.

A Zen-master Wannabee will point out that the glass is what it is, and everyone will Oooh and Aahhh at how insightful that is. 

A dumb-ass Labrador Retriever will sniff the glass, knock it over, and chew on it while wagging its tail, regardless of glass slivers on the tongue. 

A Senior will point out that in their day, the glasses were only one-quarter full,  and they were thankful to have THAT….

A three-year old kid will keep touching the glass (despite Mummy’s urging NOT to), until it topples over the edge of the table and smashes, resulting in a tantrum and a Time-Out.

A Social Media Douchebag will offer to sell virtual E-Glasses for $127.77,  but buy now, because next week the price goes up to $577.77.   

A Life Coach will say ask us how full we would LIKE the glass to be, and what postive ”Actions”  do we think we’d need to complete,  in order to achieve this goal?

An Asshole Squirrel, for some reason, will find the glass extremely annoying,  and will spend the morning perched up in a tree  chattering at it.

A Twitter addict will  announce to the world in intricate detail how refreshing and tasty it was to drink half the beverage that was originally there.  (Yum!)

Mr. T won’t tell you either way.  But he’ll pity the fool glass.

Donald Duck will give an honest answer.  Unfortunately nobody will be able to understand him.

An  IT guy will want a bigger glass.   This existing one is obsolete, and can’t keep up with the flow from the new water tap.   

A Viking Warrior will ask:  “What happened to the hollowed-out skulls we used to drink  from?”

Religion…or Blogging?

Religion:   Recognizes there is God, and only one God.
Blogging:  Recognizes there is Seth, and only one Seth. 

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Religion:    The word  is spread by selected disciples.
Blogging:   The word is spread by selected A-List Cool-Kid bloggers.

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Religion:   Beware of false prophets.  
Blogging:  Beware of self-appointed “Social Media Gurus”. 

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Religion:    Missionaries give non-believers Bibles to read. 
Blogging:    Bloggers are on a mission to get non-believers to read their latest E-book.

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Religion:   People confess their sins in order to achieve absolution from a priest.
Blogging:   Bloggers post their dark secrets and dirty laundry in order to achieve absolution from their readers. 

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Religion:   Often involves repetitive rituals (like saying “”Hail Mary” 100 times on the rosary).
Blogging:   Often involves repetitive rituals (like commenting on 100 blogs a day)..

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Religion:     ”Amen.”
Blogging:     “Great post!”

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Religion:    Martyrs will die for their beliefs. 
Blogging:   Martyrs will post,  no matter what.  Even if they’re sick, busy, or don’t feel like it.

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Religion:     There is the Old Testament, and the New Testament
Blogging:   There is Blogging, and there is Twitter.

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Religion:      The faithful wear certain types of clothes, to identify themselves as true believers.
Blogging:     The faithful will color their Twitter avatars, to identify themselves as true believers in the latest flavor-of-the-month cause.

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Religion:    Heretics are burned at the stake
Blogging:   Disagree with one of the Cool Kids, and you’ll get crucified.

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Relgion:       Followers look towards religious leaders for moral guidance and advice on how to live their lives.
Blogging:     Followers look towards other bloggers for moral guidance and advice on how to live their lives. 

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Religion:      At church, they pass the collection plate.
Blogging:     ”If you like this post, please feel free to make a donation via PayPal.”

pal.”

Religion:       Often involves periods of fasting.  
Blogging:      Also often involves period of fasting (as many “Professional” bloggers can’t afford to pay for groceries).

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Religion:    Serious heretics are ex-communicated.
Blogging:   Serious heretics are denied access to service. 

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Religion:   The ultimate goal is to achieve everlasting happiness in the Afterlife.
Blogging:  The ultimate goal is to earn “six figures” as “passive income”.

Odin Rules

 

Meet Odin, guardian of Friar’s Mom’s Ski Fortress of Solitude.

Though Odin stands proud now, it wasn’t always so.   

He came  from humble origins.

A month ago, someone had thrown out several boxes of Christmas decorations at the ski hill garbage transfer station.  

This feller was sitting on top, and (being ever the packrat freecycler), Friar’’s Mom rescued him, and gave him a place in her home.

And naturally, she decided to  call him Odin.  

(Though where she got the Viking influence, I can’t POSSIBLY imagine!)

So now Odin guards our Ski Fortress.

And we put offerings of bread at his feet, to feed the woodland varmints.

Like the Stellar  Jays and squirrels who come to feed.

Who sometimes knock him over.

 But we always prop him up again.

Because you don’t want to anger the Viking Ruler of Asgard.

Nothing like Over-Ripe Fruit to Brighten Your Day.

Last week, I posted a still-life painting of some bananas.

Some of  my genteel readers,  however, did not seem too impressed with my artwork. 

One person correctly pointed out that a photograph would have been just as effective.

So, in the interest in keeping my audience happy, here’s another still-life of some fruit.

But this time, it’s a picture, and not a painting.

A lot of thought and effort went into this post,  so I hope it’s appreciated.

Photo Credit:   Friar’s Mom (who likes  bananas best when they’re almost black like this.)

One more year…

 

So I’m skiing with Friar’s Mom out West again,  and that’s something special. 

Because it’s not every year I get to do this. 

In order for this to happen, I need at least three things:   the time,  the money, and the health.   And that’s not always guaranteed.

Because some years, I didn’t have the health.   

Like nine years ago, where I tore  my knee ligament on the first day.   Not only was my ski vacation finished, but so was my whole ski season.    And the next season  after that.

And there was another year where my knees were fine, but I was laid off.   I didn’t have the money, and I couldn’t afford to come here.

And for the years both me and my and my knees were working,  I needed to be lucky enough that there wasn’t some stupid job deadline preventing me from taking the time off.

And that just applies for me. 

 The time/money/health thing also applies to Friar’s Mom.   

And we’ve had a few close calls.

Like the year she had cancer and we didn’t know if  she’d be around for much longer. 

That battle was won, though, and she and my Dad came out here the following year.  And I got to ski with them. 

A few years later,  my Dad died suddenly.  And we werent’ sure if Mom would still want to come out here alone.

But she did.   Packing the van, and driving across the country herself.   For yet one more ski season doing what she loved.  

And though Dad was gone,  at least I still got to ski with Mom.

Then there was that time  we almost lost her in a car accident while she was driving here.     

The van was totalled.   But that  wouldn’t stop her:  within 10 days, Friar’s Mom had bought another car, repacked it, and was on the road again. 

And I got in one more  visit. 

The latest close call was this summer:  a horrible bicycle accident.   

Mom went over the handle bars, and got Medi-Vacced to the Trauma Ward by chopper. 

 Last June, she was lying in a bed with a fractured pelvis, and bleeding into her brain.

At the time,we didnt’ know if she’d even be  able  to  live alone, or drive her car.      

But one of the first things she asked when she woke up , was would she be able to ski this winter?

Because come Hell and High Water, she was gonna.

She spent the summer in a wheel chair, undergoing months of rehab.   Which she did, with a vengeance.  

And now, less than 8 months later, she’s back to cutting tracks in the fresh power.  

So the stars have aligned once again.    

Both me and my Mom have the time, the money, and most importantly:  our health.

And I’m skiing with her.

For at least one more year.

And for that, I’m grateful.

Original Watercolors: Going Bananas

This post is dedicated to a guy, who works in an IT department somewhere.

Because I know he really enjoys it when I post my artwork.

Viking Winter Olympic Events

Full-Contact Ski Jumping

The objective of the Defense Team is to prevent the Jumper from breaking through their lines.
The objective of the Jumper is to smash through the Defense’s lines, and try to fly to Valhalla.

Whoever wins doesn’t matter.  Either way, it’s all good entertainment.

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Warrior Figure Skating

Ten percent of the score is based on skating ability.   Ninety-percent is based on the ability to intimidate the judges.

(Nyaaargghh!)

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The Judge Toss

This event almost always follows the Warrior Figure Skating

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Viking Curling

What better way to celebrate past victories, than to slide the skulls of your defeated enemies on a frozen pond?

As an added bonus, the skulls, when hollowed out, also make great beverage containers.     The use of controlled substances (such as Viking Grög) is highly encouraged.

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The Medal Presentationa

Normally takes place during the end, if the podium isn’t pillaged and burned down.

You’ll know it’s over, when Berthùnkä sings the Viking Anthem.

Five Things Women Do to Make Their Life More Complicated

1. Thank-You Cards
Some people will insist on writing these notes  for each and every occasion in life.   For gifts received, for being invited to dinner.  Or even if someone compliments them on their new hat.    

And there’s a whole level of self-imposed stress involved:  for going to the store, selecting exactly the right card,  putting down the exact right thoughts and going back to the post office and sending it out on time.   

Good Lord.

Not to mention, there’s a bit of smugness that comes along with it. 

 ”It’s the considerate thing to do.” you’ll hear the card-writers say.  

Yes…but for WHO?  

Because I think it’s safe to say that more than half the population (namely, all males, plus reluctant children) don’t  give a flying-fox-fart about Thank-You cards.   

I mean, it’s nice to get one, but if we don’t, we’re not going to get our knickers in a knot.  

I didn’t cry, for example, when my buddy Brett didn’t send me a card for the X-mas gift I gave him. 

*Sniff*  (Damn you, Brett!)

Meh.   If would make things so much easier, if we all just agreed to DROP the whole damned Thank-You card thing.     

Just say “Thank You” once, in person, and be done with it.

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2. Refusing to Acknowledge that White Plastic Thingy  on the Toilet
Anyone who’s been married, has had a girlfriend, or has shared a bathroom with a sister,  is familiar with this age-old complaint: 

Namely, the man is supposed to keep the seat down, to accomodate the woman who has to sit, because they sometimes fall in. 

So…howcum we guys sit down, at least once a day? …And we never fall in?

(Um…because we LOOK first?)

But that’s besides the point.

And if women want to be equals,  wouldn’t it be just as valid for men to ask for the seat to be left up? 

(Yes, I know that sounds logical.)  

But believe me,  guys…just let it go.  Because we’ll NEVER win this argument!
 

3. Fashion Magazines
Feminists complain that magazines like Cosmo and Vogue are harmful.   Because they portray unrealistic, idealized images of beauty that the average woman can’t obtain, leading to low self-esteem  and even eating disorders.

Fair enough.   There’s a good point to be made for all of this.

But…let’s ask ourselves:  WHO perpetuates these fashions?   WHO creates these myths?     WHO creates a demand for all this literature?   

I don’t think you can blame this one on men. 

Because I don’t know too many guys who find rail-thin 90-lb. women with sunken eyes all that hot.   Especially if these so-called “models” are wearing what looks like some stupid burlap sack wrapped around their jutting collar bones.  

Ladies,  if you dont’ like  these stupid magazines, just STOP buying them.   And the problem will go away.

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4.  Bringing Something Over
When guys get together at someone’s house,  it’s to drink beer and watch TV.    Somebody might bring over a bag of Zesty-Mordant Nachos.  

(Might.)

If there’s an actual meal involved, it will invariably be a BBQ with  BYOM (Bring your own meat).     In which case, the host might provide paper plates and napkins.

(Might.)

When women get together, it’s a whole other story.   Everyone is  expected to BRING something.  

And it can’t be something store-bought, either, from the local bakery.   (No, that get you off too easy!)   

No, it has to be something you made by hand, that took you hours, from the sweat of your own brow.  

Date squares, for example, where the date tree was grown from seedlings, and the fruit harvested weeks ahead of time.  Where the wheat was hand-milled to make the flour, and the sugar was extracted from canes imported from Cuba.  

And everything was baked in a 17th-Century wood stove that was bought specially just for the occasion.  

That way, you can be a martyr, and tell yourself:   “It’s the considerate thing to do.”

Hmm.     Maybe so.   But I’ll just stick to my Zesty-Mordants, thank you.

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5. Trying to be Equal to Men in Everything
Because face it…we guys do some really stupid things.   

Like sports where the object is to hit the opponent in the head, until they receive enough brain trauma and lose conciousness.   

Or racing high-speed vehicles down a drag-strip,  that threaten to explode at any minute.   

 Or moutain-climbing to extreme altitudes,  where your brain swells inside your skull, your body starts to die, and there’s a good chance you’ll  lose some fingers and toes.

(Need I go on?)

Sure…there’s nothing saying a woman can’t do these same exact things.

But just because they can…doesn’t necessarly mean they should.

We have enough Darwin Awards, as it is.