Friar’s Never-to-Do List

 

 

If the intricacies of life are compared to a palette of subtle tones, my Dad tended to paint in black or white.  He gave fair praise when fair praise was due.  But if he didn’t like something, he would be sure let the world know what he thought, and in no uncertain terms.

One of his favorite expressions was “Never in my whole life…“.  

As in “Never in my whole life would I pay money to go see that movie!”.    Or “Never in my whole life would I buy a water bed!“.    He had quite an extensive list of things he’d never do in his whole life.   He rarely sat on the fence with his opinions.

My Dad sadly passed away two years ago, on this weekend.  In in his memory (because I am my Father’s Son), I’d like to add my own list of things I’d never do… 

…never in my whole life!

I will NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE…go see a Celine Dion concert.  

Yes, I realize this is heresy.   Okay, okay…I know…Celine has a wonderful voice…everyone loves her and yes…if you hear her in person, it’s supposed to give you goose bumps.  

But I don’t give a flying fox.   I despise listening to that caterwauling scarecrow with the huge ego.  If I had my druthers, I’d rather go see Yoko Ono. (At least with Yoko, I would have a good laugh!)

If I was in Vegas and someone gave me free passes to see Celine, I’d stand outside the door,  scalp the tickets and pocket the cash.  And then blow it on Keno.

I will NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE…become a vegetarian.  

Not even for a hot-looking Amazon D-Cup nymphomaniac girlfriend.  Nope.  Ain’t gonna happen.  I like red meat too much.

Like a dog who occasionally eats grass, I have been known to nibble on greens.  And I will humor the cook and eat vegetarian dishes that are put in front of me.   I have no problems eating rabbit food…just not all the time, and not without any other side dishes (like bacon, for example).    

Mmmm….bacon. 

I will NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE…get my face pierced.  

If people want do that, fine.  But it’s just not me.  I have zero interest in putting metal ingots in my head.  Especially multiple piercings (like the record-store refugee who has so many rings in their eyebrows, that you feel you should install a metal rod and hang a shower curtain).

One of my favorite cartoon characters, Hank Hill (from King of the Hill ) summed it up perfectly:

“I think body piercing’s a good thing. It gives us a quick way to tell when someone aint right.”

There’s some truth to that. 

I will NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE…travel to India

My brother and sister-in-law spent 8 weeks there.  Based on their travel stories about dried cow dung and exotic sinus infections, I know that’s a place I will not be visiting any time soon.  

Hey, nothing against India.  If I was rich and could travel the world whenever I wanted, I would probably get around to eventually visiting the Sub-continent.  But right now I have three-odd weeks of vacation a year and only so much money.   If I’m lucky I might take one airplane trip per year, and when I do, I’m going to make the most of it. 

Tell you what.  Before I go see India, I think I’d want to check out Hawaii or New Zealand first.   Maybe the Barrier Reef again.   More skiing in the Rockies. Not to mention France, Italy, Iceland…(moving down the list)…Iraq, Bosnia, Alabama…etc. 

I will NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE…eat a lima bean.

Kryptonite is to Superman as Lima Beans are to the Friar.  Sometimes veggie do-gooders will try to sneak a few into the dish they serve me and hope I won’t notice.  But I’m onto them!  I hate those nasty little green rat-bastard legumes…I hate ‘em!

Who actually likes these things anyway?   I bet you the world’s entire demand for lima beans can be met by one single farmer.  I wish they’d find the one lima bean field, and I’d hire some eco-terrorists to torch it!   Kids everywhere would love me for it.

 I will NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE…climb Mount Everest

Assuming I had the fitness level…and the mountaineering skills…and the $60,000 to hire a guide to take me to the top…I’d still NEVER climb that stupid mountain. 

There’s nothing wrong with climbing, but why do people have to ascend into the Death Zone?   Hellooo!….maybe there’s a reason it’s called the DEATH ZONE.   Like…DUH!

Hey, if coughing blood and watching your brain swell inside your cranium is your idea of a good time, then go right ahead.  You go be the mountain-hero. 

Meanwhile, I’ll stick to the lower elevations, where I get to keep all my fingers and toes, thank you very much.   

(Guitar, anyone?)

I will NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE…ever play competitive soccer again.

I loved soccer as a kid, and played it well into my 30’s.  When I started work full-time after grad school, I joined the company soccer team.

That’s when I found out, the hard way, that when you put a bunch of 40-year old men on a soccer field, it’s no longer fun.  Unlike softball or hockey, which is more of a social event, there’s something about soccer that brings out the a-hole in alpha-males.  There’s a lot of yelling, a lot of macho bullshit ego, and lots of dirty pool.  

In my first game of the season (an exhibition game) someone was so intent on getting the ball from me they ended up kicking me as hard as they could in the knee.  Whether this was an accident or not, nobody said “Sorry about that buddy” when I was on the ground writhing in pain.

When I limped away, something went POP!  That was my Anterior Cruciate Ligament waving bye-bye.   It took 9 months to finally get the knee reconstruction surgery, and another year of re-hab before I was back to normal again.  I was out for two years

You know, if I had sat at home that night and eaten chips in front of the TV, I’d have been better off.   

I still do sports, but not soccer.  I can’t control how hard some idiot wants to hit me.

I will NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE….work again as hard as I did during my PhD

The last two years of my PhD rank among the worst in my adult life.  It’s hard to describe the burn-out and constant stress one experiences in grad school  unless you’ve gone through it yourself.  I’ve never worked so hard and for so long. It just never ended.  The stress did a number on my body.  I ended up with anemia and pneumonia…I was surprised I didn’t end up in the hospital.

When I was finally done, all I could do for three months was come home from work and watch TV.  It took about half a year after that before I started being active again.

After that, I vowed that I will never EVER work that hard again.  And I haven’t.  

(Though I feel sorry for people who do.)

I will NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE…grow up!

Life is too short.   Growing old, you can’t help.  But growing up…that’s optional.  (I learned that from my Mom).

 

Tapping into your Subconscious

If you read the title of this post and you start thinking ”Oh, no!…The Friar’s gone New-Age on us!“, rest assured, Dear Readers.  This has absolutely nothing to do with channeling your inner self or helping you grow as an individual.    

Rather,  I just want to tell you about a game I’ve discovered to keep myself amused during those long, dreary meetings. 

You know the kind of soul-sucking meeting I’m talking about.   The one when you’re in a dark stuffy conference room, with someone going blah-blah-blah and you’re too numb to even day-dream.

I dunno what it is with that unique environment, but it just tends to propel me straight into the strange nether-world of being half-awake.  (I suspect it’s my brain’s self-defense mechanism kicking in…it wants to shut itself off so it won’t go insane with boredom.)

You know when you get to that point when you’re just on the verge of dozing off?  When you’re still awake enough to be aware of where you are, but you cant’ help it and you start dreaming?  Here’s what you do:

Start taking notes, if you can.  Seriously.

Sometimes, I’m able to snap awake for brief seconds, and write down what I just dreamed about.  Here are actual examples of ”words” that my mind came up with while half-asleep.

ivalking

philastical

petitah

Angus Eotion

Nuis

If’in

Don’t ask me how these words came to be…they just did.   And don’t ask me what they mean.  

(Though I think the 4th one would be a cool name for a high-tech company!)

Pretty cool, huh?  

Try it yourself, next time you start to feel yourself nodding off.   You might be surprised to see what you come up with.

Friar Versus the Gray Heads Part III

Man, some people in this town just don’t know when to quit.

If you recall, a few months ago I wrote a letter to the Splat Creek Chronicle, bitching about the crummy store hours and the bad customer service we get in town.  This was hardly what I’d consider ground-breaking Op-Ed journalism.   But my editorials riled up the townsfolk and the debate lasted a good 6-7 weeks, with angry letters flying back and forth. 

I even experienced my first Senior Stalker (see Friar Versus the Grayheads Part I and Part II).

I thought this whole kerfuffle had finally (and thankfully) fizzled out, until I opened up this week’s paper.  There is was:  the main editorial, almost half a page, quite obviously devoted to me.  

It was implied that the store hours in town are not that bad,  that I should shop ahead and plan for holidays, and that I should get to know the town better instead of going to the “Big City”.  

You know, I was ready to let the whole thing drop and move on.

But now, I might just have to write another letter.  

(…you wanna piece of me? )  

Oh, this is ON.  

This is SO ON !!!! 

 

Stupid Bear Candy

Look what some (ahem) smart-ass left by my front door this evening. 

Gee, any guesses as to WHO this might be? 

I’m sure it was done on purpose, because of my recent rant about the Berenstain Bears.

Check it out, though.  Apple juice-based, fat-free, gluten-free fruit snacks.  

Oboy, every kid’s dream.

It figures…Leave it to the crunchy-granola “PC” Berenstain Bears.  

They can’t even get candy right.

 

 

 

Standing-Room-Only’s

 

 

Since my recent post about the Soup Martyrs , I’d like to describe another variation of self-imposed martyrdom in the workplace.   And it involves chairs.    

How often have you been forced to attend a meeting in a tiny room and there aren’t enough seats to go around the table?  Late-comers end up having to sit against a wall.  

To me, this really sucks.  Hell…if I’m going to be stuck in a stuffy box for God knows how long, watching painful PowerPoint slides that would euthanize a Great Dane, I need to be at a table where I can take notes, sip my coffee, and more importantly…doodle.  

But that’s just me.

And what if there are no chairs left?  People then usually start borrowing them from other rooms.  Because (all things being equal) nobody in their right mind would prefer to stand at work when they could sit.

But some do.   So beware, kiddies!  For we are now entering the realm of the dreaded “Standing-Room-Only“.

I could understand wanting stand if you know it’s going to be a short meeting (but how often does THAT happen?)   Or perhaps you’ve been sitting on your butt all day and you want to stretch your legs.  Or maybe you have a chronic back problem.  Or it could be there is absolutely, unequivocally no more room to squeeze in ONE MORE CHAIR, and you’re screwed.

But a Standing-Room-Only will remain on their two feet regardless of the reason.  I’ve seen them refuse to sit, even if a chair is offered. 

I just dont’ get it.  What are these people are trying to prove?   What are they thinking?

Oh, LOOKIT ME , everyone, I’m just EVER so dedicated to my job.  Unlike the rest of you sit-tees, I’m not afraid to stay on my feet and experience a bit of discomfort.  After all, it’s work-related; isn’t this what we’re paid to do?

Oooh, good for you.  Uncle Big Brother approves.  You get an extra gold star on your performance review, and your chocolate ration has now been increased to 25 grams. 

(…What a tool!)

I think it could also be a dominance thing.   You will often see bosses stand.  I can imagine myself listening to Marlin Perkins narrate this on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom:  

“We observe the dominant office-ape assuming the upright position.  This position allows them to tower above their sitting lesser-subordinates, giving the illusion of extra height, which favors their position of authority”. 

The longest I’ve seen a Standing-Room-Only last is well over TWO HOURS!  They probably would have gone longer too, but the meeting had ended.  In-freaking-credible.  

Well, better them than me.

Now if you’ll excuse me (Ook. Ook.  AEECKK!) this office chimp has a meeting.  There’s an extra banana pellet in it for me if I show up early and get a seat.

 

Watercolors: Time to Rake

I never know where my next painting subject will come from.   Once, I was visiting a friend in October and the leaves still hadnt’ been raked.   On the spur of the moment, I got my camera out, walked around the neighborhood and snapped pictures of the ground. 

No doubt I looked a bit strange, with my head down, shuffling through the leaves while clicking away.  My buddy laughed and said I reminded him of “Rain Man”. 

Rain Man or not, the photos ended up giving me one of my favorite paintings.

 

 

 

8 Random Friar Facts

Thanks to Brett (who started this) and Sandie, I’ve been “tagged” in some kind of chain letter.  Meaning I have to write down eight random things about myself.   And then I’m supposed to ask eight other people to write eight random things about themselves.

So, without further ado, here goes.

1.  I ate a worm once for five bucks.  It wasn’t that bad, actually.  It was tasteless, like eating a rubber band with sand on it.  It was a fair exchange.  I made a quick 5 bucks.  My buddy said he got his 5 bucks worth of entertainment.  I was 25 at the time.

2.  I can (to some extent) play three musical instruments.  I did piano as a kid up until high school.  I did the clarinet in the school band.   I was really into guitar in my 20’s.  I still strum around a bit.  I’m not too bad at it..just don’t ask me to sing.  I have an awful voice.

3.  As a kid, I was a goody-goody little Catholic.   I was not only an Altar Boy, but I played Jesus Christ in a church play.  “Suffer the children come unto me”.    Hoo Boy.  I bet you never guessed the Friar used to be like this, eh?

4.  My favorite animal is the bear.  That’s what I probably was in a previous life, if there is such a thing as re-incarnation.  Bears are SO cool. They’re versatile, smart, strong, and they eat anything.  You gotta respect that.  Sometimes I like to do my ”bear imitation”.  I shake my head from side to side, and growl.   Little kids really love it when I do that.  

5.  I get goose bumps when I hear certain kinds of music.   Mozart’s Theme from Elvira Madigan for example.    Some Beethoven.  Also Bob Dylan’s Tambourine Man and Let it Be by the Beatles.   Some Zepplin and Floyd.   Dunno why I get goosebumps.  I just do.

6.  When I got laid off during the Big high-tech bust in 2001,  I had a good severance pay so I took the entire summer off.  I camped, did motels and lived out of my car for three months.  I drove around the continent, from Arizona to the Arctic Circle, putting 32,000 on my Honda Civic.   Going where I wanted, when I wanted, with no one to answer to.  That was the best three months of my life.

7.  In University, I was “anchorman” on our “Boat Racing Team”.  This is when five guys line up in a row, and each chugs an 8-ounce glass of beer, one after another.  The last guy (the anchorman)  does two glasses in a row, and then you go back down the line again.   The fastest team wins.

Sound stupid to you? (…It was!).  But this was a very BIG DEAL back then.  We had huge competitions with dozens of teams.   I was able to do both 8 ounce glasses in 3 seconds, which in the boat-racing world is the equivalent of the four-minute mile.  You got disqualified if you broke a glass or puked.   But we always won.

8.  I got the nickname “Friar” a few years ago, from the lads in the production area where I worked at the Widget Factory.  I had a bushy beard, and since I’m (ahem) a large guy, they said I reminded them of “Friar Tuck”.   I’m just grateful that I wasn’t named “Jingle Nuts” or something worse (like some other of the guys were).

There.  I’m done.

Now it’s my turn.  I’m tagging:

Jaden

Vimoh

Nicole

Harmony

Cath

Blog Pourri

 (Sorry, I could only think of six).

And, the rules (according to Brett’s blog!):

1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’ve been tagged, and to read your blog.  

 

 

 

 

Dear Olaf…

  

(Olaf ThunderFröck is a Registered Viking who provides family counselling services.  He is certified in Advanced Pillaging, Stabbing and Going Berserk).

 

Dear Olaf;

My son spends too much time playing video games on the computer.  It’s starting to affect his social life.  He doesn’t go out with friends anymore, and he’s not getting enough exercise.  Whenever I confront him he just shouts “Oh Mom!” and we get into a big argument.  I’m at wits end.  How do I get him to stop?  I wish he’d just go outside and be a kid again.

Concerned Mom

 

Dear Concerned;

Nyarggh.   I have seen these “games” of which you speak.  With flashing lights and such.  They puzzle me, for they are nothing like our own Viking games where we fight to the death.  It sounds like your son has fallen under the spell of some kind of pagan wizardry.   

I would banish your son into the wilderness, armed with only a broad-sword and the clothes on his back.  If after a year he still survives, then yea, surely he will have earned a name for himself,  and can rejoin your household with Honor.  If not, then the buzzards shall feast on his skin and the Gods will be placated.  

———————————————————————————————-

Dear Olaf;

My office mate sits in the cubicle right next to me.  He constantly plays the radio loud and it distracts me from my work.   I’ve repeatedly asked him to turn it down, but he tells me to shut up and ignores me.   I could complain to HR, but I’m afraid that I’ll be branded a “tattle tale”.  What should I do?

Annoyed Worker

 
Dear Annoyed;

Here is my solution.  Just take your axe and breach the cubicle wall.   It always helps to let out a blood-curdling battle cry:  “AIEEEEEEE! YAHHHHHH!  NYARRRGH!!!!!“  While your co-worker is distracted, take your mace and SMASH his music-box, and set fire to the pieces. 

If he protests, then slit his throat and feed him his own tongue.

End of problem.  

—————————————————————————————– 

 Dear Olaf;

I’m thinking of buying a puppy for my three year-old.  I know that this may be too young, but I grew up with a dog and I turned out okay.  Plus I’ve heard that giving a child a pet is a good way of teaching them responsibility and building character.   What do you think?

 Dog Lover

 

Dear Dog Lover;

Aye…animals!  This reminds me of the time we once pillaged a farm off the Saxon coast.   What a glorious day. As the looting fires burned, we smashed down a barn door.  We found livestock, and thought we would amuse ourselves by throwing the piglets in the air, to see if we could catch them on our spears.   HAR!  HAR!  HAR!

My battle companion Krull-Dor threw the first piglet but it missed his spear.  The pig landed on his face, bit his nose, and ran off.  All the piglets escaped.  Krull-Dor lost part of his nose, and Lars Bloödspurten called him Krull-Dor the Noseless.  There was much merriment and laughter about that!  HARR! HARRRR!  HARRRR! GNARRR! 

But I digress.  Now, excuse me, but what was your question again?

 —————————————————————————————–

OLAF’S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE OF THE DAY:

“Seek first to Understand…then pillage and burn!”

 

 

FriarToons (May 9, 2008)

 

 

 

Management Visual Aids for Dummies

(Reprinted from an earlier post)

Step 1.    Assemble a list of management buzzwords (i.e. expectations, commitment, action, achievement, goal, performance…etc. )

Step 2.  Select a common object (i.e. a pyramid, a chair, a ladder,  a circle, a shoe…).  It could be anything.

Step 3.  Hire a graphic artist to randomly combine the words and object from Step 1 and Step 2 into a Powerpoint slide. (Hint:  Use lots of bright colors, your staff will like that).   

Step 4.  Practice your ability to talk about the slide for 30 minutes at any given time. 

Step 5.  Use your slide to repeatedly describe your corporate mission statement, for the next 6 months.

Step 6.  Repeat Steps 1-6, as often as required.

 Practice on this as an example:

 

Got it?…Congratulations!  You could possibly be senior management material. 

Go sign yourself up for the Chip Impant Academy.